Monday, December 31, 2012


Happy almost New Year! I am so sorry I haven't been on here very much...

I just wanted to say something..

For Once In my life... I'm actually ready for the New Year.

I think I'm just really ready for another star over.
I'm absolutely positive that I'm ready to celebrate all of 2012 and ultimately let go of it in the most accepting and peaceful way... much more peaceful than I had ever thought possible.
Soldier by Gavin DeGraw just started playing. This is perfect. This is what I mean. This is my celebration.
I'm also absolutely positive that I'm ready to celebrate the possibilities and the sure thing of all the great potential that I feel 2013 has to offer.
Last year I said 2012 would be a party year.
2013 too. In a different way, though, I think, than this one worked out.

I think it's good to think of each year as a party year; years focused on celebrating the positive are a good idea, I think.

This year I'm also not making any New Year's Resolutions... just a "What if?" list.

I'm just really ready.

This soldier is everything ready.
and at the ready.

Monday, December 17, 2012


Wow. It's been over a month since I broke up with my boyfriend.
It feels kind of like longer.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


Goodbye, Sir Some Guy.
Thanks for everything.
I grew and learned so much because of you.
Somehow, I think you might have a greater place in my heart of memories than the last guy. Not that he's much competition, but, hey.

Thank you.
Until we meet again
To the death, my friend.

Sunday, November 4, 2012


Wow, this is awkward. I don't know what to tell people anymore if they decide to ask if I have a boyfriend or not.


Note to Self. 11:12 AM on June 6, 2012. This post has been saved as a draft ever since then:

Wake up and smell the sunshine, my dear. It's summer. And a bright blue sky...

Chapel Song by We Are Augustines


After all this time, there you go.
There you go
you have disappeared
and I am left to wonder
and wander
in this gray haze.
Are you gone for good?
Or are you ever coming back?
Am I supposed to wait on you?
Or am I allowed to move forward with my life?

Sir Some Guy, I always loved you. And I still care about you,
But waiting three weeks for you to text or call me back is a bit much.
I would start over for you, but I won't wait forever for you.

If you want to break up, call me. If you don't want to break up, call me. If you don't want to call me, call me. If you're afraid I'll be mad, call me. Just whatever you do, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL ME FOR GOODNESS' SAKE LOOK ME UP IN THE PHONEBOOK OR SOMETHING TALK TO YOUR PARENTS IF YOU'RE GROUNDED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE AND SO I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO YOU AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON

There are SO many ways I could keep going with this, but for now...I just want you to promise me one thing other than if you see this that you will call me:
Promise me this one thing:

Promise me that you will never, EVER, walk over another girl the way you have walked all over me. Promise me that you'll treat the next girl you date with a little more respect, thankyouverymuch. When you want it to be over, call her and tell her, even if you know you'd both rather do that in person. If you lose your phone or get grounded for eternity (or something similar), promise me that you will try to find any way possible to get back in touch. Don't ever leave your future girlfriend(s) hanging for more than two weeks, even if your plan is to get them out of your life. You treat the girl who sacrificed her embarrassment, insecurities, I'll-just-keep-to-myself-ness, and desires to not get hurt again with more respect than that. She followed your heart for you, and this is how you repay her! She went out on a limb for you and you need to either chop that limb off with her or show her that you're still there. You don't just jump up to another limb or the next tree over. You give her the respect she deserves--the respect anyone deserves--and you don't do anything that would come off as ignoring her for three weeks.

So.. Call me. Call me and tell me what the heck is going on. Let me know if I'll ever see you again. Let me know if you are interested in starting over, because my interest has not completely faded.
I wasn't done with you. I had a few more dreams up my sleeve and pressed to my heart that had to do with you and you know it! You know it so well! On the other hand, if this applies, let me know if we need to saw this limb off the tree! I mean, seriously! Get a grip and take care of your business. I am your business until you saw me off and I am still here, intact and so is that fricking branch. Okay? Are you comprehending this metaphor?
Call me. Just call me call me call me. Don't text the girl: Call the girl. Even if you no longer want to kiss the girl.

And treat the next girl a little better. Thanks.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


Thank goodness for technology
That knows the human mind
To a degree
Because it lets me delete things
That I don't want to see
When you cuss on and on 
In pointless repetition
Just because you're mad
Over something you just mentioned
The venting is fine
Until you being
Dropping F after F after F
Then, I get tired
my friend
You see, this is why
I've been thinking along the lines
That I need new friends
Such as friends who don't cuss quite nearly as much
Such as friends who believe
Who act upon similar methods
As I
In their daily lives
Because no one here does
Except maybe one or two
I think just one


Friday, September 21, 2012


Magpie #135

Close to breath
Close to touch
Close to in-between
Hardest rock
And breathless night
Cover beneath the seams
Are you there?
Or are you not?
Our eyes darkened like caves
Your black night cave eyes
Spilling out
Down your cheeks
And down your face

I feel like I can grab you
I know it all too well
But then I look again
And think
You're not so there so well.

The shadows cut across you
The lines divide our stride
You are sketched
And I am pink
Against this yellow sky
You blend in
But do not fade
Although you seem to disappear
And I am clothed
But not too well
While I fight to keep you here. 

Saturday, July 28, 2012


Look, my mom has told me to give up on you. My friends have told me I don't deserve you.
What am I supposed to do? Make my own decisions, right?
I just want to know if you're even interested anymore.

Saturday, June 30, 2012


I will always have God so it won't just be me.
That's the only way I can at least kind of figure out how I have a sparkle and a soul.
Someone great and big put it there.
And who's the greatest and biggest? God is.
I don't see how else this could have happened to and within me.
This is no accident. Accidents don't feel so strongly. Maybe nothing is accident; however, you'd have a hard time convincing me of that.



I don't understand myself.
I look in the mirror and have no idea how as to how the sparkle in my eye got there.
I can't even begin to imagine how my soul works or my mine or my state of being.
When I look at the mirror I see beauty and a brain that seems to be being wasted.
I don't know how to not waste it.
I see a young lady. I feel like a child.
I'm definitely no woman, no, not yet, but I'm not a little kid anymore. That much is officially for sure.
I can't ever see myself. I won't ever see myself. I will only ever see my own reflection.
In a way, that scares me. I feel like I'm going to miss something...not learn something...never understand something about myself when sometimes myself will be the only thing I'll have.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


Tomorrow... I will be going to many doctor's appointments. One for a physical in the early morning, one at the orthodontist, one with my therapist, and onnee with a person to get meds to help with my picking?? I guess that's the place mom is having me go to get meds for my anxiety issues. I, personally, didn't think any anxiety that I have is THAT bad and the thought of having to take medicine for it is just making me MORE anxious than I was before!



My goal was to stop picking.
My goal was not to brainwash my brain to keep myself from picking by the course of drugs.

I don't want to have to use external measures forced down my own throat to quit a habit that I could quit by myself.

I guess I just don't want to be dependent on a substance.
I really, really, really, don't want to be dependent on a substance.


It's so nice to be able to leave someone and not worry about whether they're going to kill themselves or not! *cries*


WHY does my stomach hurt so much? I ate a lot for dinner! And that was only a couple hours ago at the most. I should have gone to bed right after that. Maybe I'll just go eat something. Idk what I'll eat. I just want to go to sleep but it hurts.

I feel sick.


Sunday, June 24, 2012


I wish I had somewhere to go in the morning. I'm tired of sitting around waiting for people to call and I'm tired of calling people myself and getting stuff together but I can't live like this much longer and I HAVE TO get with my friends before I go to Spain and Italy in two weeks or else I'll be halfway miserable... RAWR.


I wish The Gent didn't go to bed so early (as in 10-11pm). I wish I wasn't afraid of bothering him by texting him. I wish I could talk to somebody. Ugh, but I CAN I just WON'T. urgh 

Sunday, June 17, 2012


Magpie #121

The letters and the faces,
they line up among the places
where I placed them on my brown desk many moons ago
Now there lies but on face
and scattered letters calling in chase
for him to come back home
And the bill of rights
and the bill of times
the bill of electricity lays too
And I would say I don't know what to do
here without you
But I do, in fact, know what to do
I just don't know what I
want to do
about you.
Should I send the letter that lays in the open?
The one that lays, stark and naked, straight forward as hell and blunt?
Should I sent the letter that resides completely next to it?
The one that rests, casually but firmly, with belief that we can work this out?
Should I sent the letter that accuses and points the fingers of blame?
The one that could definitely be supported without a doubt, but that I might feel bad about or unreasonably harsh for sending?
Should I send the letter that begs for him to return?
The one that weeps and cries for his return and ultimately fears that he never will and will inexplicably, and unknown to me, throw away?
Or should I send the letter of each other letter, mentioned and not?
The one buried beneath all else: containing my feelings, my thoughts, my aches and pains, my hopes and desires, and all else?
I sit and wonder and others around me question my wondering.
They question why I wonder
instead of going straight on and forward, as they say, and getting rid of the problem
they question my reasons for sticking to him and not trying to find someone else,
maybe someone better,
because maybe I wouldn't have to look that far or hard,
and maybe I know that.
This letter, all-knowing of everything I know to be true in my head and omniscient of all that lies in my heart, would be the perfect letter in the perfect setting
if only I could find it, in all its perfectness, underneath this pile-up of absolutely everything in my head.
since you been gone.

And then, the face stays--
just forehead and eyes and upper nose or nostrils
but, nevertheless, directly half-and-half of my viewpoint.
I see it
but not the whole thing
as in, not the whole picture
I simply, inexplicably cannot see, nor imagine, the whole picture although I'm pretty sure I know what it looks
at least kind of
 like you
 being gone
 and all
 and fallen off the face of the earth... except not really...
 I just don't know.
And I can't decide or determine whether the face watches with solemn passivity
or looks on as I make a decision
or counts the seconds until I come to the final conclusion
or sees my brain turn and wind up
or senses my heart back down and step up, steadily or not so much, like the constant rolls of thunder or waves in the sea
or reminisces about its own memories, other, more interesting things it has witnessed and completely ignores me
or counsels my spirit with that knowing look
or blankly stares for it so happens to be inanimate
Does being inanimate mean anything to a mask?
If not, why does it matter?
And if not, what could "being inanimate" keep the mask from doing?
Why is it even a mask now?
It's just a face
And it watches carefully, or not.
And it watches unknowingly, or the opposite.
And it watches as I make my decision
and reach for a letter
buried beneath.

Thursday, June 14, 2012


When I share a blog with someone...there's always the fear...that they'll see something they don't like...and it drives them away. Or anything that drives them away. And I love to share, but sometimes it's hard. You know?

Just..thinking about that. Hook is sleeping in my room...and I am on the bed.
And the rest is still unread.
Because it's future, see?
.. It's okay. :)

It's time to splurge the abnormality.
Irony, no? Exactly. It's not irony.
So so sorry ... This is definitely considerable as randomness..moving along. :)<3kitty

Friday, June 8, 2012




I'm not even 100% positive as to why I'm trying to find my phone.
It's not like he will have texted me back.



I just finished watching that movie that ABC FAMILY made last year... Cyberbully. With Emily Osment in it.
From the first climax on, (won't share for spoiler reasons) I cried for the next ten minutes straight and the rest of the movie on and off...
I'm not being bullied...but I'm being hurt.
And things hit home.

My shirt is covered in snot from the top of my chest to my belly button
In a sort of a "v" shape
The ends of my hair, where they rested in the current of snot and drool pouring out of me and down the path of my shirt, are sticky. And wet.
My right arm, where it rested over my abdomen, is also covered in a layer of sticky saliva. And snot.
My hand, it kept clutching my side as I sobbed and sobbed and cried.
I don't think you understand.
But I felt her pain when she said she didn't see a reason to even try anymore. I don't want to kill myself. I just want this to be over.
I don't want to be without you, my dear boyfriend, but I can't do this like this much longer.
Demi is right: I have to give my heart a break.
Or, well, no, that's me that's right..
I'm shaking.
My chest feels like its getting chapped from the wet laying on it for so long.
I am not bothering to take this shirt off.
But it wouldn't even matter if that was the case... Because you'd already be gone like the LAST GUY.
The snot and drool has soaked through my shirt and is subsiding on a thick layer on both sides of my shirt.
This too gross for you?
Go find something else to read. Something happy and sweet that won't bother you then.
If this is too much for you, that's sad.
That's really really sad.
You know what else is really really sad?
This is too much for me.
But at least I can handle my own words.
I love him.
But I love myself too...
I just want to find my phone so I can call you and hear your voice and hang up.

Monday, May 21, 2012


I'm starting to think I am kind of bipolar.


That's what I desired least for in the world. All this time. Especially in relation to the situation.

I never wanted him to be right.

I'm getting to thinking, does it matter? Does it really, really matter that much whether he was right or not?

I feel bad. I feel bad about this...that everyone else is moved on and others have moved into my life and I've still not moved on from that.

But I just wonder.
However, it also makes me wonder if the people who have moved in dislike, or are possibly turned off by, my wondering.
However, I wonder if my wondering is driving these people away...whether they realize it or not.

What?! Am I going to have a mental breakdown when I turn 45?
Why do I feel all this pain and not feel sad and not get depressed? And why do I feel it in short bursts?
I want to get psychoanalyzed. I know it sounds crazy but I want to know what's going on in my head.
I'm not depressed. At least, I don't think I am.

Why am I giddily happy one minute and mad the next?
Is it my environment--at least partially?--or is it just completely, wholly me?

What's wrong? And is there anything wrong?

Am I just paranoid?
I might be.

Do I think to much?

Am I providing the correct answers for myself?
How the heck should I know?

....that's why I'm asking... D:


She said (and I quote), "I'm starting to wonder what he would do if I got really mad at him? I'm beginning to think that he would just get confused and walk away instead of staying and fighting for me to stay."

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


AAAHHH. Life is beautiful!

AudLange, Mom, Sherlock, Sir Some Guy, I can't even name names because then I'm going to forget somebody. Or I'm just going to go on to sleep because I need to and don't feel like listing everybody.

So the rest of you can go with that I saved the best for last but never got to the last. ;)

AudLange. ^_^. Yay.


Magpie #117

Picture here.

A meal takes place
An empty space
Sitting in a bowl
Sotting and rotting and ceramically whole.
The fruit lays just behind.
Out of reach, not out of mind, for those who care to dare to sit
At this meal
And then,
Comes the decision
"the sun goes down
the stars go out"

Reach for the fruit, unforbidden,
Though still daunting
Simply, inexplicably because there's a choice
And there never was one before,
Just maybe,
Our "universe will never be the same"
Or we could just leave and wait
For someone to decide instead
Or to place it within a reaching point.

Magpie Tales


And by the way... Puppy came back. As did Hook although you never knew he was gone.

I never told you.

Unless you have Facebook... And are my friend on Facebook...

I must go before this gets too close to randomness!

I'm glad you came.. :)


"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want..."

Shit! I'm supposed to be at Chamber Singers practice.

"He maketh me lie down in green pastures..."

I can't believe I forgot!

"He leadeth me besideth still waters.."

It started a whole freaking hour ago.

"He restoreth my soul..."

I hope they don't get mad at me.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."

Okay, I'm not worried about the teachers. But what if I get in trouble with my student leader?

"I will fear no evil..."

That would be an awful way to start out the year. I can't believe I forgot. I'm so stupid.

"For thou art with me..."

But maybe they'll cut me some slack since its only my first practice.

"Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..."

And I'm only a freshman.

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies..."

Oh, but the best conversations with a friend are the ones during which you tell your most personal ways of being. And the ones you can't figure out by yourself, you figure out together.

"Thou anointest my head with oil..."

Because the best thing I want for you is for you to be truly happy and truly you.

"My cup overfloweth..."

However, do remember that you can never do anything to be any more you.

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me..."

I have to tell you that tomorrow.

"All the days of my life..."

I guess I don't have to, but I want to some day soon.

"And I will live in the house of the Lord forever."

And we'll all be okay, you know.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


I kinda don't want to leave my room now, for fear that Puppy will never again appear to me...

But like I said, I'm going to take this distress out on my painting.

I can feel the artistic, energetic juices flowing already. So i must do my science, get it done in these next ten minutes, pray a little more, and finish that project in the next two hours or so.

Then I will take a bath and dare to keep moving although I will still give myself time to grieve the loss of Puppy.

I guess I don't know for sure if she's really gone or not, but I just have this feeling.


Dear God,

Please protect Puppy. I see that she is gone. I regret! I regret so much that we didn't go ahead and find her a home because at least then I'd see her again! I am so disappointed in myself! I wish she had stayed. I still have a little hope that she will come back or that she's not really gone, but I bet she followed the air-conditioner-fixer guy out of the gate and down the road and I bet he didn't see her.

I ask, please! Please don't let her get run over or starve in the woods!
I love Puppy! And I'm going to miss her.

If we had given her away... I at least would have known that she was in good hands and being treated well.

Her food and water bowls are still on the porch and the door is open so it's as if she was never there. The sun is setting and she is gone and we have no idea where she is. And now I'm scared. I'm scared and sad and angry.
I think I will take my anger out on my drawing/painting of my pig head, the Lord of the Flies, for the Lord of the Flies project for English since it's supposed to be so gruesome and dark anyways.
I wish I had taken more pictures of her. I regret not giving her another bath.

I regret not being able to sit outside with her again. I regret not being able to take the time to let her lick me all over and cover me in that slightly gross, but comforting layer of saliva and even let her lick me in the mouth. When she licks me in the mouth is disgusting...but it's also pretty funny and kinda cute.

I really miss her! And I won't be okay about it for a while I think. But maybe I'll eventually come to accept it. Until then, please hear my prayer, God. I know you will. I just hope she comes back.


Dear Puppy,
I miss you! I hope you are okay! I hope so much that someone found you who can take better care of you than we could! I really hope that you weren't run over or that you're lost in the woods!
I really do love you. And I know you love me too. I miss you now!
You were so good... You know... For being an untrained puppy and all.

I'm going to miss you a lot! I think Hook will get old again. You were like his fountain of youth, but, I mean, he is an old dog. Maybe one day I will find you. I think I'll eventually see you again. I do believe Heaven will have you in it.

Until I see you when I see you or until I withhold this strong grip on the desire to write you again, take care of yourself and stay safe, okay?
I love you, you adorable, wonderful little puppy. And I also regret not seeing you grow.

Love love love,

Sunday, May 6, 2012


I'm leaving my phone downstairs. It doesn't need to be charged. I have no use for it. I hope it dies.


Yeah, so it's like... 2 AM
and it's my 200th post.
And I'm going to bed after this.

Just wondering...where are you?

Aren't you so glad this monumental point in this blog is about you?

Well it is. Even if you aren't glad about it. Which I know you really wouldn't be...especially in this light.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. Just letting you know. Yeah, it sucks right now. I don't really expect to hear from you until school ends or whatever if my theory is right. Sooo have a nice next two weeks. I still love you, don't worry. I feel so dramatic now. But no one is watching. No one is here. So it really doesn't matter.

It's just me.

You know I turned down a dude today. Y'all look slightly a way, you know, pretty similar for being in the same town and all. Not many people look very much alike. But it's just hair and glasses and skin tone. That's all. He's no you.
I don't think you ever tried to impress me too intensely. But, yeah, anyways.

This doesn't make it better. Or good. Or okay that you're not there.
None of it makes it better or feel better or anything. Not even the good stuff. It's just here. I'm here.

It's just me.


Oh, and by the way...we survived the bombshell. Nice guy. Really nice guy.


Saturday, May 5, 2012


but let's not judge people for their past but believe in them for their future and respect them for their present.

12:21 am April 6 2012


Ohhh nooooo here comes the bombshell. GRAWL.




there will come a time when all is lost
when there is nothing left worth the risk because you will lose anyways
when you are so outnumbered
when you feel you will die & no one will know and no one will care
and no one will remember
because they wanted you dead in the first place, remember?
because they wanted you gone in the first place, remember?
that you will lose all the ones you love & you can't do anything to stop it
and there will come a time when all hope is lost


there will come a time when all hope is lost & you don't have strength to go any farther.
you don't have courage to make it one more step.
and there will come a time when you reach inside yourself & find a hope you never knew was there but was there all long...
just not within your reach.


there will come a time when all your strength is gone but a sudden surge or a minuscule flicker of hope takes over
you don't even try
you don't know to try
you don't have to
you can't & that's the point
the deepest part of you takes over like when you fall out of consciousness and your nervous system takes over your respiratory system and makes you breathe.
And there it is.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


I really just don't want to listen to this right now. You know? I don't want to listen to the threats and the booming voices that yell. I just want to get my homework done and get to sleep and maybe talk to my boyfriend. I just want to be content tonight. I don't even want to try to make it better. But it's okay, see? Because it's gone now and I didn't even have to try to make it better. It just...went away...

Sunday, April 8, 2012


I get scared pretty easily. As you can see in #162, # 192, #193, and many others.

I mean, not THAT easily. Not as easily as Sybil (thank God), but pretty easily.

Then again, I guess everyone does. Or a lot of people. Much of el población, sí?
Yeah. Definitely.

I'm not a scared person though. I don't want anyone I ever know to be as scared as Sybil because that would scare me too.

:( and then we'd all be scared.

But it's okay because none of us are like that. We're just insecure and confident and insecure at the same time and it kinda works out but it kinda doesn't.

I love myself, believe me. But I can get pretty insecure.

Take my hand, dears. Maybe we can be insecure together and then we won't be.


Dear Self,

Instead of just sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.



Ps. Thank you for doing something about it.

192's not so much that I try to not be dramatic..

I try REALLY HARD to not say the wrong thing. And then when I try not to say the wrong thing and I say something that I think might be the wrong thing I over think it and was already over thinking it to begin with and so I try to explain myself and it just makes it all convoluted and worse. And then i think about it forever and I don't forget until I say something. And I don't say anything because I feel like it doesn't matter to anyone else but me even though I worry that it does and so if I do say something you'll just think I'm weird and kind of bipolar and messed up and one of the last things I want you to think is that I'm bipolar because that's what the last guy thought by the end of it and although I know people who have signs of bipolarity it's not a thing to take lightly and there's no reason to accuse one of it and it did offend me but no that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the people I know who have it I mean theres something wrong, obviously, but not with them. And not with me. And this ^^ this is what happens. This ^^ is what happens when I try to explain stuff. It makes it worse because I didn't need to explain it in the first place but I think I do and then I leave stuff out and we've moved on and I'm still there and I'm still scared. And it's all because I'm very insecure. I feel super confident and lovely and happy with myself. I really do feel that way, but I also get real insecure sometimes and I always worry about saying the wrong thing to you. Not much to anybody else...kind of, but not really. And I think one thing is because I don't see you and texting isn't the easiest way to communicate and because (I know it's totally unfair to compare this to my previous situations but it's all I have to back up on) the last time I said a bunch of things wrong I lost him. And I don't want to lose you. And that's what has been going through my head. And I say a lot of stupid stuff. And maybe that wasn't the reason he stopped "liking me". Whatever. Why am I even talking about this anymore?'s because I talk about it so much on here because I over think stuff and I never get everything in my head out and so it comes back like this. And I have to get it out.
Anyways. Moving on. Moved on, actually. Besides my previous situations...I still have a hard time. I don't want anything I say to be taken the wrong way. And when I get nervous (simply nervous about being nervous or talking), I talk a lot. And the more I say, the more stupid things I say. So maybe I should just stop talking so much.

Besides, I like listening to your voice.


Last night I actually got kinda mad.


It's Easter.

Just wanted to say .... Or ask...

Why do people not answer me back? Do people just think I'm so loyal that I'll be there when they eventually come? And I'm not talking about one person. I'm talking about everyone.

Have I let people know too much about how loyal and forgiving I will be towards them? Have I made a mistake in being honest?

Sunday, April 1, 2012


I'm trying. I'm trying to keep my belief.

It's just really really hard when I don't know what's going on.

Belief by Gavin DeGraw
I'll Be by Edwin McCain
My Immortal by Evanescence
Angry by Matchbox Twenty
Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer

Friday, March 30, 2012


Okay! Fine! I give in! To myself... :D

I'm going to get my phone out of the car.... -_- :)

In case, on the off chance, he texts me. :/

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Trust me, I love to make you happy.
But next time you call me (or I call you, as the case may be), I am talking a whole lot less. I like to hear your voice too...
And otherwise..I don't mind, except that the more I talk the more I say things that I regret.
When I regret things that I say, they never leave my mind forever. I always end up thinking about them over and over and over and it aches in my chest, even though the other person probably forgot about it there's still the what if they didn't and what if it sticks with them.

That is all.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


And right after I hang up ... "Dream On" by Aerosmith comes on.
His favorite song...
I love my life. It fits together so perfectly. :))
Dream on...dream on...dream on...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


Ohh, but a laugh.
As precious as a flower.
'Tis not what's in a name.
'Tis what is in a laugh with an open hand beside it.


I wish.... I want to be there to hear the sigh.
Feel it fill up within your chest
And hear it rush out your nostrils
As it does through mine.
and to see it in your eyes.
That would be beautiful.
A beautiful moment.


Huh. I forgot what I was going to say. I need to stop watching TV. It's Tuesday. ...


I've been writing in my horse book.
At least ... I was last night. My iPad died.


One of the best ways to fall asleep is waiting for someone you really care about to text you back, knowing that they're there and it's coming any second now. What a content slumber.
You fall asleep. Since you're asleep, you lose track of time. Since you lose track of time, you don't realize it's been hours since you received the text message. Or maybe you subconsciously know that you received the text message but you were too tired to wake up to it. So you're happy.
And then when you DO wake up, you find the text. And you feel bad for falling asleep ... Except for the fact that it was so late in the first place. But you don't feel bad for too long because then you realize all of this and you realize that you really missed him.
But even though you missed him you're okay.

It was okay.

And now! As you listen to that song you think of everything you've dared TO MOVE through in this past however long it's been. And it makes you so happy.
So you just gotta tell yourself to keep daring TO MOVE.

Because it's going to be okay.

You're going to miss, love, lose, share, and wonder about people, and it's all going to be okay. I promise.

Wow. When you sleep...years can pass by. But you wake up and you're right there 'where you fell'.
'Salvation is here'.

Off to eat bacon now. <3Kitty
I'm still daring you to move. Lift yourself up off that floor, babe. And live your life..if nothing else ... For me. Because I can't [live your life].

Monday, March 19, 2012

#181's kind of depressing. But it's okay. I'll live.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


I have this dream world in Harry Potter...books and movies...where I am within the story. I figured my life out and everything.

Sirius...Tonks...Moody...Kingsley...the way they appear like that is perfect.
Oh no oh no oh mo he's ..died. NOOOOO DANGIT DANGIT NOOOOOO


And there I would be at this very moment, with Harry. I run after him as he runs after Bellatrix as she laughs and he tries the Cruciatus Curse on her. Ohhh Voldy. And I am there as well.


DUMBLYDOOOORREEE!!!! No he won't be dead you idiot.

This is getting on the verge of randomness. Just letting you inside my mind, dears.

Monday, March 12, 2012


No, silly boy, I can go my whole life without having suicidal thoughts. I know it's a huge norm for a huge percentage of the world's population but I, although I am not sure you would completely understand this, have my faith. I have my God. I have my religion.
Suicide, like cutting, is not an option for me.
To be depressed, to have feelings, no matter how extreme is indeed an option.

No, I've never had suicidal thoughts. I've thought about suicide and people who commit it and ways people commit suicide because I've read so many books where the characters considered suicide or got extremely close and I've watched so many movies where the characters are troubled in thar sense.

But, no, I've never thought suicidally about myself. I've wondered, yes, I've wondered how anyone could possibly bring themselves to kill themselves. I feel like if I did that I would immediately regret it and then it'd be too late.

And even now, as I talk about it, I am being serious--yes-- but I am neither scared nor leaning towards depression. Suicide is much too far outside of my realms.

I am too afraid of death to ever commit such a thing. Plus, it is too far wedged into my mind that suicide is a cowardly act committed by people who cannot deal with their life and are not brave or strong enough to move forward in this life. ... This does not mean that I believe I am superior to people who commit suicide. This does not mean people who commit suicide are completely weak; they are not. They just had that one weakness and it so happened to lead to their death.


I know you don't believe in God, but I do.

You know this girl, right here, sitting in her house, thinking of you as she so often does, right? You know me, I am your peer and I am one of your loyal friends who will miss you SOOOO MUCH when you move next year.
I listen to you, I see the good in you when others don't, and I make you smile as you make me smile.

But enough about you. You know me. You know my smile and my laugh that you at least catch a glimpse of every day?
You know that CRAZY CRAZY atleastslightlyhyper girl? You know me.
You know how I seem to usually be in a good mood and my bad ones usually don't last that long?

That wouldn't be me if I didn't have my faith.
My faith shines through with every waking moment. Every positive thing I do. Every positive thing I say. Every time I ask for a hug or let you give me one.
That, right there, is my faith shining through.

The reason I'm explaining this is because I don't think you would believe me if I just simply told you that I don't have suicidal thoughts.
I don't know that this would help, but it's okay because we're not actually discussing this. You two moved on before I finished what I wanted to say. I feel like people do that a lot to me, but it's okay because I have other people who will listen to what I have to say when you won't.

So it's okay. We don't have to argue. I win because I am stating my piece and I don't have to worry about you arguing with me because you're not here AND BONUS you don't even know this exists.

But you don't lose, because that'd be unfair. This isn't a win or lose situation. This is a me explaining what I think one people may not understand about me.

My whole life is dictated by my faith. When I lose my faith, I become depressed. I've never lost it completely, though.

If I didn't have my faith, you wouldn't see me skipping around the way I do. I wouldn't be in your faces bugging you and teasing you and letting you know how much I care. I sincerely believe i would keep to myself an enormous amount.

I do all these things because I believe in this God.

Sometimes, yeah, I stray away from what's right, but I always come back. I wouldn't ever come back if I didn't have any faith.

And because I have faith in God, I have faith in you and you and you and you and all of you: even though you're crazy, even though you're hyper, even though you there told my secrets I still have faith in you.
I think I try to have at least a smidgen of faith in everybody.
And maybe they'll have a smidgen of faith in me?

Everything I do is in the name of the Lord, but not everything I do speaks well for Him. No, I'm not perfect. No, I don't always do the right thing but I try really hard. No, I don't try hard enough. I can always try harder. Anyone can always try harder at anything.

I really must go to bed now though.

No, I don't have suicidal thoughts.
No, I've never had suicidal thoughts.
Yes, I believe there is a great chance I will go my whole life without suicidal thoughts.
Yes, it's all because of my faith.

I was once in a state of depression. I give the credit of my release from that state to my peers, friends, and family for keeping on moving and To the world for keeping on moving on around me. I sincerely believe that current pulled me back into happiness.

But that current was made by the Lord, or so I believe. I believe those people, those peers, those teachers, my family, this world was made by God and therefore, he pulled me out.

You all who were there, you pulled me out. God pulled me out through you.

I must go now. Good night. <3

Sunday, March 11, 2012


Right now, I just want everything here right now to go away. and maybe some things that aren't here.

...except for this song. this song is good. it can stay..


Okay, so maybe I am going to bed peeved at them for talking in Chinese when I don't understand Chinese, but you get the gist.


I love my friends. No matter what, I love my friends even if I get annoyed with them sometimes.

I know I say that a lot. But if something happened to me tonight or something, I just don't want my friends to think that even if I seem a little annoyed that I went to sleep pissed at them. I didn't. I won't.

Saturday, March 10, 2012


Last night, I was lonely. Tonight, I'm not really lonely and I wasn't even before I started talking to people on Facebook. I still miss my awful whole lot...but I'm not lonely.

Friday, March 9, 2012


I feel like I'm being judged because of how I treat my guy friends and that this person thinks I'm taking advantage of my boyfriend not being with me every day.

This distresses me.
I don't want.... I don't want anyone to feel that way.
I love my friends. I think I'm just over exaggerating.
And now I think that he'll see this and be slightly suspicious.
I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, this person just seems slightly judgmental.
I'm scared.

And not just about that.
I'm scared for my friends.

I have to take a bath but I really don't want to.
I feel dirty.

I am dirty. I ran barefoot in mud and didn't take a bath last night. I have to take one now.

I just want to curl up.

I'm scared that he'll get suspicious. I don't want that to happen because he trusts me and I don't think there's any reason at all for him not to trust me.
I think I deserve the trust. Well, deserve makes me sound like I'm all high-and-mighty worthy. I'm not all high-and-mighty worthy.
I'm not always pretty, I can be quite mean and I enjoy it sometimes, I'm a little too loud and obnoxious and I hurt people's feelings. I put off my work and have slacked off in track, making a bad name for myself. I'm late all the time and can never get anything done. I start projects and never finish them. I ignore texts from people even though they care enough to text me just because I feel like it... Just because I don't feel up to texting them back.
I'm really dramatic and I try hard to get people's attention. I feel sorry for myself a lot and play the pity game. I say I'll do things but never do.
And yet...
I still believe he trusts me for good reason.

there's so many other things I can say. But there's only so many ways I can put myself down before I start crying so much that I can't see what I'm doing.

I'm not crying. It's okay. But I'm distressed.
It's annoying because this feeling is going to be gone in the morning and nobody will see it. And then it's going to come back next weekend when I get home. Next Friday when I get home, I'll feel all rotten again and nobody will be here. My family is, sure, but do I want to talk to them? No. I'd just get annoyed. I don't want to call anyone. I just want to be with my friends. I'm never going to get to talk to Bisael and I'm never going to see my boyfriend.

At least that's how it feels right now. And it's not your fault so don't ever think that! It's not! For you at school, we have completely opposite schedules. For you not at school, we live on completely opposite sides of town and pretty much have our own lives. That's not to say we can't be in each others lives because we can and we are and I would love for it to stay that way for a long while. I'm just glad that you don't mind putting up with me.
I'm not glad, I'm grateful. I'm overjoyed and grateful. I don't really understand why someone would even bother, but that's okay. I guess I don't have to understand.


I don't really feel much like explaining myself about the second year of this whole thing. If you want to know, you can just go looking.

I felt pretty distressed actually. And I don't want any responses to me saying that. At least not on here.
Maybe if I don't know you.
But if I do: keep quiet why don't you? At least on the blog.

Or I did feel pretty distressed. I drew and although it wasn't good it made me feel slightly better. I only do well at art when I'm in a class. It's kind of annoying. I just don't enough tools or instruction to do well otherwise. It sucks.

So screw filming tomorrow. Or at least me being a part of it. Too bad I suppose. Mom says better safe than sorry and I guess mommas know best.

But whatever. Not like it matters anyways.
You will be gone next year and it won't even matter.

Thursday, March 8, 2012


Wow. Okay, so I'm going with that I have posted 169 posts from the very beginning.
Obviously, I have not posted every day but I often (as you may know) post more than once a day. Okay... 365 x 2 =...730 days... That means one post every (about) 4.32 days.

Wow. Okay.

I'm gonna follow myself throughout the past two years. ...
Let's go for a ride, guys. ...

Year One. Post One:


Where do I belong?

Do I belong no where?


Can anyone tell me?


I have to find it myself, don't I?

Gee thanks world...

Gee thanks...

Soo... I was pretty much lost. I had just come out of a break up and it was my first ever too. I really liked him! I really, truly did! I loved him. But it didn't work out and you know, it's for the better really. Most things are. And other than that, I was just depressed. A lot of things happened that year that weren't very good and were actually quite life-changing. My dad went to rehab for the first time the previous spring (I know, I know, I've gone through this before soooo much... But some of you haven't been here that long), a good friend of mine would not be coming back to school (and neither would her three brothers) because their dad (who STILL HAS enough freaking money) wouldn't pay for them to go to Webbkinz because it's so expnesive. ..., then my really close friend's mom died (this is a familiar story, right? Riiiight.), and then I broke his heart later in the year after going throu struggles with him and another guy friend (who was the guy that ended up being my boyfriend.), and then it was all happy and then two months later he broke up with me. And SOOO.... I got depressed.
NOO... It's not "I got depressed". It's more like... I BECAME depressed. It just happened. I didn't succumb to it, it happened and I didn't realize anything was so drastically different until a little while in. So, yeah, that's where I was then. I was depressed and looking for answers to questions i didn't have. I was trying to find a place... I was trying to ask questions. I... I don't really know how to explain it. But I will a different day. Just not now because this is already so long... And I have a bio test to study for that I have tomorrow.

Year One. Last Post:


57 minutes left on my computer.
57 posts about my world.
48 minutes now left.
time seems to fly too fast, it's so absurd.
Larry's mother telling me it's so good to see me.
So it must have been God leading me that way.
To pick up the pens, put them back where they belong,
and now I ponder the words that she said.
Because here and now, to now and then, happens every scary second that passes every scary time.
Because soon and when, to when and gone, comes whether you want it to or not.
1 hour, 12 minutes left on my computer.
Only time will tell if we can go all back in time.
1 hour, 10 minutes left on my computer.
Not a very good example of the world, I guess.
Because you can't go back.
You can't change anything.
Accept it Accept it Accept it.
You must.
Or you'll never see the light.
Back to 1 hour, 12 minutes left on my computer.
and now 1 hour, 10 minutes left right afterwards.
It's not right.
It's not fair.
Life doesn't care.
And it can't help it.
'Cause it's time.

--Wow. 2011. It's really really 2011. This will take some getting used to...Even if I don't want to. Because I will. I can't help it. 'Cause it's time.

Okay, so here I wasn't thinking at all about my depression. I had been out of it for... Well over six months. I know this is from January, but that was the last time I posted until the 11th of March. And then I realized around #s 60 and 61 that I had missed the first birthday of my blog. ... I was pretty bummed. But here we are. And I didn't miss it this time, so that's okay.

Here, I was getting used to it being 2011. Now I'm completely used to it being 2012. For the most part anyways ....
And all of these posts were from my laptop...

I'm writing on my iPad right now.

Here, I wasn't talking about my depression or how I felt or anything. I was simply stating facts and my beliefs and talking about and to the general public. This time, I wasn't asking questions. I was giving my word to you. I was being a lot less selfish. Being selfish in the sense I was being isn't necessarily bad, but it's just kinda cool to see how my point of view changed over all that time. It changed a lot over those 365 days. I was now nearing the end of my 8th grade year. We hadn't gone on the DC trip yet.


I will go on to year two tomorrow because I need to study for my bio test. I love this place with all of my heart and am forever grateful to it.

Yeah, that's right, I'm not thanking you, the reader. I'm thanking this PLACE this time.

Thank you, this place. You ARE THE BEST THERAPIST.


Ohh .. Well, I was two minutes off. But, hey, it was worth a shot.

Today is also International Women's Day. Can I get a WOOT WOOT??

Yeah, that's right. That's what I like to hear.

I'm sorry I get so cranky, friends. I really am. (And I really do get cranky! But especially when I get home...)



A super duper happy birthday to this blog.

Which was created exactly two years ago to this day and (woahemgee) exactly to this time except, like, two minutes ago. No wait oh, right now? Yes! Awesome!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012




Soooo... Today for track..

I bummed socks off of The Great Hot Goddess
I bummed a watch off of Holmes. (he verrryyy reluctantly gave me his watch. I PROMISE I WON'T LOSE IT. I'VE GONE THIS FAR WITHOUT LOSING IT YOU'LL GET IT TOMORROW OH YOU WILL)

...ahh...I love my friends.

I'm so glad they let me bum things off of them.

And maybe this will help me redeem myself for slapping Holmes. He will never let me forget it.. DARN YOU CHAPPERS. If only I hadn't slapped you first.

...(anyways, I feel better now. I'm ready to finish some of my homework and go to bed! Woo!)

And the BrBratz twins, Lane"Bryant" and My-Awesome-Singing-Friend. Amazing people. Oh and I also saw LeeLee's bruthah, NateTheGreat... and I TOTALLY resisted the urge to poke his head. I did it, guys. I kept myself from poking his head. .... But only because he was talking to a girl and I have a slightly strict policy on mostly not poking his head when he's talking to a girl. :))

See ya! <3

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


Just realized I still can't find my laptop.
I have lost it in my own house.



Wrong "you're", JFlick.

[sorry of you ever come on here and see that. It was just kinda spontaneous and it doesn't matter, but, hey, this is better than me emailing it to you.][but I wouldn't email it to you anyways. My blog just needed a little comic relief for a second. You = perfect guy for comic relief of any kind...mostly/usually/a lot of the time.]


Oh dear Lord. So help me, God.




Ooooohhh guess whaaat??? There's a special birthday a'coming in TWO DAYS!
I am NOT missing it this year.
It'll be the two year anniversary of when I first started writing on here! Can you believe it? I can't hardly believe it... Wow. That's an amazing feeling that two years of my life have been recorded here. I love it. I love this. I love you! Thank you so much for being on here with me and traversing and traveling through my mind with me.... But, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I love you all! Tune in on the 8th! And happy birthday to Rukkyie :)
(sorry, Rukkyie, it was a totally spontaneous nicknaming. 5 seconds flat.)
Which means that it's my half-birthday! Yaaayyy! But I'm not ready to be sixteen so it's good it's just my half-birthday. Fantastic. I love being fifteen. Fifteen forever (as in sixth more months), baby.


Sometimes by the time the end of the day rolls around, I become so annoyed with all my friends around me. They're too loud, they're too huggy, they're too THERE. Not all the time, mind you, but sometimes it all becomes too much and I just feel this constant annoyance with mostly all of you.

Now, that doesn't mean you should stop talking to me at the end of the day or even when I look annoyed if you wouldn't have before. All it means is this is how I feel, but you probably shouldn't change anything that you do. You probably shouldn't change because I still remember that my friends are there for me and only mean the best even when I'm down and out and mad. Even when I don't act the absolute kindest towards them, in the end, they're always there for me, and that's one thing I always remember because of it.

Monday, March 5, 2012


I swear, the scariest place to be is in my mind. I wouldn't ever want anyone to have to be in my mind at the scariest moments.
There have been two times that I have panic attacks because my mind has made up something that I've done.

One was a while ago and reoccured twice. The other happened just over the last weekend. I think I woke up Saturday and felt like this. Yeah, it was Saturday.

1. The first time this happened, I woke up and realized that I had done something horribly wrong in my dream. I knew it has been a dream and that I was awake now and okay, but the utter rawness of being alone in my bed with only my pillows and my mind to distract me allowed me to be competely consumed by what I had done. I had allowed for thousands upon thousands of people to die for a cause. I had not killed them myself but I had relayed or made the order that sentenced them to death, knowing full well, that they were going to die because of what I was going to do. Thousands upon thousands of innocent people died on my watch, and I didn't even do anything about. I didn't even really care tha much. Even when I woke up, I was so scared. I was mortified. I wasn't even mortified; I was more like traumatized. I couldn't grasp the fact that I wouldn't actually do that in real life, I could only comprehend the fact that I had willingly killed thousands upon thousands of people. I couldn't move from my bed and I couldn't get it out of my head that I had killed all these people. I kept asking myself, "How could you do that? Why would you kill all those people?" I was scared of myself, and that's an understatement. I was traumatized by myself. Being scared of oneself could easily be the worst feeling in the world because you can't get away from yourself no matter what you do. I mean, I guess you could kill yourself, but that wouldn't fix the problem because you'd just be dead. If my situation was in a movie, I would have woken up screaming or in a cold sweat. And the sweat and/or screaming wouldn't have stopped for what I bet was about 15 minutes. I'm serious. It felt like an hour or more, but fifteen minutes is a lot anyways. Fifteen minutes is a fricking long time to be laying in bed, trying to shut yourself out by closing your eyes and taking deep breaths. I don't remember how I calmed down. I was scared out of my mind but it was all in my mind. I knew it was all in my mind! And that seemed to scare me even more! I don't really understand what was happening to me. This reoccured, like I said, two more times. And then recently (as in over last weekend recently), I had another panic attack with the same feelings only it was based more towards my religious instead of flat-out, generalized moral beliefs.

I don't want anyone to ever have to feel the way I did. I was tossing and turning and couldn't go back to sleep no matter how hard I tried. I was afraid I would kill more people anyways, so I guess it didn't matter that I didn't go back to sleep for a while. But it DID matter!

I couldn't go to sleep and I couldn't stay awake. I even tried getting up and walking around my room. Oh, how I begged for the sun to come out as soon as possible. The darkness consumed me like my mind. It squeezed itself through and past my eardrums, behind my eyes, and covered my mouth and nose. I couldn't breathe easily.

I heard somewhere recently that when one has a panic attack, the first thing you/your body thinks is that you're dying.
I guess ... I guess that's how I felt during this. That could be a way to explain or describe it. But it wasn't so much that I was dying because of physical pain (but I don't think that's what the person meant anyways). I was more dying because I was going out of my mind.
I'd almost rather die of physical pain, at least you know what's going on.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012


Just to make something clear...
...I don't mind people coming on to this blog and reading it, even you people that I complained about earlier whom I know.

It's just taking a little getting used to to have more than leafcloud on here that I know. It's kind of revealing when someone sees your innermost thoughts. It's kind of scary.
But I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me, and I sincerely believe I will be okay with this soon.
I won't be completely okay with it tonight, but I will be completely okay with it soon.
And if I'm not, then I'll let you know and say I was wrong. Until then, there are only a few times where I will be wary of anyone coming on here.
But if I'm too wary, I won't even post it. I have a blog for that stuff that only I can see. So there.
I'm okay. It's okay. Be okay. Please, stay, if you wish.


And it's all because of yous.


I believe I do take advantage of my friends.
Bisael was right, I do spend a lot more time around my guy friends.
I must take more advantage of them than the girls, yes?
I'm sure I do if I spend more time around them, which I do.
It's okay if people rub off on you. If you love them, it doesn't matter anyways.
Don't you kind of want to be at least a little like the people you love?
If you don't, then why do you love them?
But anyways: my friends.
I guess I should go more with my guy friends for the reasons previously stated.
I take advantage of them because I do believe they keep me out of depression.
I take advantage of their being there, their listening to me, their willingness to give hugs, and their willingness to put up with me.
But I guess if friends don't take advantage of their friends doing things like that, what kind of close relationship do you have?
You don't have a close one.
Maybe you do, but I don't.
Without any of my friends, boys and girls, I'd be a sunken ship.
Rise Ye Sunken Ships, says We Are Augustines.
I would not rise.
I don't have to rise now because I have my friends and I am neither sunken nor rising, but I am afloatin'.


If I die tonight, whoever you are, I don't have to tell you I love you because if you simply run through this whole blog you will see that I do and you won't need me to tell you anyways.


The house is dark and the storm is upon us.
I have traversed close to the edge of getting scared that leads to panicking about dying tonight.
I tore layer upon layer of paper off of my chocolate milk box.
And then I took a picture of it.
It took me forty minutes to tear all that paper into layers.
I spent forty minutes tearing the paper off of my chocolate milk box.
At least I didn't spend forty minutes tearing the skin off my fingers although I might have already done that today.
It only got to bleeding once on my thumb during last period while we were discussing The Catcher In The Rye and Holden.
Gosh, I love Holden. I pity him, but I also love him.
Don't you just want to give him a great big hug?
Considering the majority, no, you probably don't, but I do.
I want to be there when he cries--every single time.
I wish I could hold him and it not be awkward.
Don't you think it would be awkward if I just held him?
Maybe not. Maybe it wouldn't be, but maybe it would.
While I was peeling, I wondered if I am getting depressed.
I remember saying that I wasn't ever going to go back to that black hole again?
But I realized that I can't really control whether I get depressed again or not.
I feel like saying that I'll never let myself get depressed again is just another way of bottling all of it up, which in turn, leads to depression.
Cutting is not an option for me.
This, I know already.
I have now come to grips that depression is an option.
Cutting is never an option, but depression is.
I feel that my depression was cleansing, and although it was turbulent it was also some of the calmest I've ever been in my life in a way.
I don't think I'm getting depressed.
I wouldn't doubt that someday I'll be depressed again, but hey, that's just life.
It's okay to be depressed.
It's not okay to bottle it up.
Depression was when my "all of it" was pouring out of me: consuming me.
I still hid, but I cried.
And maybe I was frustrated that my friends didn't see it, but I was completely immersed within myself and I was completely mindful of myself. Maybe I wasn't mindful of anything else, but I was mindful of myself without realizing it.
So, just saying, if I get depressed I have not failed.
If I get depressed, I have lived and lived to tell the tail of the tale.
And it's okay because I won't die tonight.
If I do die tonight, I guess I was wrong.


Right now, I HATE IT that even a couple of my friends can come on here and read my blog and that they do.

One was always okay.

Three won't be okay everyday.

This is my place for my most personal thoughts and I can say anything I want to on here, but when you know that people you know are going to read it, that all changes.

I just want to be able to say what I want and not be afraid that any of you are going to see it!

Screw yo


...I don't really mean screw you and I didn't. That's why I crossed it out.

..see? If there was no one coming on here I wouldn't freaking CARE if I said screw you and didn't mean it. It wouldn't matter.
I'm going to cry.

Sunday, February 26, 2012


From my tumblr ( ):

I don't think I'll ever understand just how much I mean to people. ....


My friends, my followers, my teachers, my boyfriend.

Understanding that stuff from my family is easiest, but how about the rest?

I forget that my boyfriend and my friends believe in me, but then when they tell me it all comes rushing back: wave upon wave returns and I REMEMBER: OH You've said that before. You really mean it, don't you? You really do think I'm strong and you really do think I'm brave and you really do believe in me! I don't know why I forgot so easily, but I did!

And not just you, but others, have said that before! You all really believe in me, don't you?

And then, to my followers and subscribers and visitors .... I will never know how much what I blog and post and reblog will affect you.
Never in a million years, will i understand.


I'm so surrounded by people who love me..... Oh my gosh.

It's slightly overwhelming; although, this overwhelming is nice and warm and fills me up.

I forget how much people care.

Take this: Year of 2012, Month of February, Realization of How Blessed I Truly Am To Have So Many Friends That Love Me And Tell Me Often.

I'll try really hard to not forget ever again. No perfect promises available; I'm sorry.

Friday, February 24, 2012


I kind of realized what another huge part that was making me sad... I kind of realized what it was.

When I was at home, crying, last night or when I was close to tears, I knew my friends would make me feel better.
That's why I was so depressed that I won't see them until Monday.
Last night, I was certain that there would be a good chance I would cry today at school but I didn't. My friends.... I never cry around them unless it's really bad. It's not because I don't want to.. It's because they make me so happy.

For example, when I was putting my shoes on for track after school today, I was sitting on the floor in front of Chappers and Lexbri was sitting on the small table against the wall to my left and talking to someone (I forgot who) and I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but laugh either. A small laugh. A small smile, and then it quickly went away. But it was there.

That's when I realized how happy my friends make me.
And that being in NYC with them got me all used to being around them so much...
And then I was just let down this school week. It was one of the worst, even though it was only three days long.

Bt I'm going to sleep now so I can get up and watch We Are Augustines on Jimmy Kimmel Live at 11:45 tonight. Bye, I love you all.


Well I decided not to go to the dance because I'm so tired and miserable.


But we still bought tickets at the door. Actually, my brother did because I was so upset that I wouldn't even get out of the car and walk to the door.


Hey, friend.
Dear friend,

I wish you would just come over to my house right now and play "Mad World" and I could just sit under the piano while you play and it wouldn't matter.
It wouldn't matter that it's 1:10 in the morning.
It wouldn't matter that we have school tomorrow or that your dad would probably kill you if you came over right now.
I'd just sit and listen and you'd just sit and play.
In this ideal world, it would be fantastic.
All that woul be would be the piano and the music and me and you.
Kind of like some older times.
The whole rest of the world would just stop for a while.
And then I'd be more than just okay.


This is so depressing...reading over the stuff I just wrote.

So... I'm going to leave now. And not read it.
I'm not trying to depress myself (or anyone else for that matter). I'm just trying to relieve myself.

That's what this blog is for, you know.
In the end, I'm the one who benefits far more from it all than anyone else out there.
Or, at least, thats how I feel right now.


Oh, would you look at that.
I am totally the anime girl up top right now. All stormy around. Crying.
Yeah, not crying yet.
But it's a'coming.

I'll be all right. Just not tonight.


Don't really feel like going to school or making any movements tomorrow that even suggest that I'm alive. Laying in bed sounds all day really good right now. Sounds better than most everything else. 

Except for a hug.

But other than a hug, I'd love to lay in bed and forget the world for a little while.
At least I don't have a biology test tomorrow.

Oh wait, but I have a Spanish test. Watch me fail. Just watch me.
You don't have to do anything else.

It's almost 1 am and I don't have hardly any of my homework done.
Yeah. Whatever. Fine.


I am so tired.
Just so so tired.
I don't want to go to the dance tomorrow.
I know Hupy on a slightly more personal level...
But hardly anyone I'm close with is going.
Then there's the grinding...and well all know I'm not getting into that, right?
Well, now you do know.


I wish somebody would go with me. Did you know I've been looking forward to a Sadie Hawkins dance since middle school? Well, too bad it's Webbkinz kids only. No people from different schools.
Oh, and well too bad no one you know is coming.

I want to go and support him... Just... ARGH

I need a huge, huge hug.
So I think I'll get one from Chappers tomorrow.
Because he's the only one who's really bigger than me.

I've needed it for the past two days.
And, yeah, hugs are great from people.... But sometimes you just need a really big hug.

I just. Am so. Tired.

And I still have to do my homework!

Ever since I returned from NYC I've felt awful. Awfully tired. Awfully behind. Awfully awfully awful.
I've been stressed about what to do on Friday for over the past 24 hours.

Maybe I should just go home after the game and not do anything else.
Just go home.
And sleep.
And cry. If I need to.

Monday, February 20, 2012


I have the best "fake" brothers in the world.

And I say "fake" in quotation marks because they don't include my real brother, but they still feel like brothers for the most part. I just don't live with them. That's probably a good thing. That's definitely a good thing.

But still. The best.
They're always there.

My girls are always there too.

But I'm talking about the guys here. :P
I absolutely love them.

I don't think I could hardly live without them.


I'm so glad my the people I'm close to don't judge me for spending so much time with my guy friends.

Well... I don't think they do. I'm talking about my girl friends and my boyfriend...and my family I guess too.

They're so amusing though!

...but they've started to rub off on me. I mean, I guess that's what you get from walking around NYC with them for 4 days straight. And riding on the bus...oohh the bus ride. Oh dear. We won't speak about that ;P

But they have! It's awful! But I'm still absolutely wonderful.

I truly have the best friends. Guys and girls. That I have ever had in my life or that I feel I COULD POSSIBLY have in my whole life.

Brilliant, wonderful people even if you're annoying sometimes.
Even if you cross the line in a subway station, it's okay. I still love you even if nobody else does. :))) <3

Friday, February 17, 2012


Before the previous post, I was just thinking about this ..which may or may not be true. 'Tis still a thought, though:

All our lives, while we go through school the men and women running the school push us to do well. They not only push us, the children, to do well, but they push us to make friends, congratulate us when we do, and convince us that this is the best support group you could possibly have in these years of our lives.

But then they go and say, "Oh, wait. All this trust you worked so hard for? Yeah, it's going to disappear in a few years when you all go off to college. You'll never see each other again and your relationships won't ever be as close as they were."
So the men and women just set up the children for heartbreak and sadness and tears when we go across the stage when we graduate, right?

Heartless ideas. Sure, maybe there should be sacrifices in life, but these? That's not what we want! And we don't even have a choice. It's much too late now.


And I was thinking... You could think about it that way and be miserable for most of your life.
Or you could look at all life in a positive manner.
I don't believe the above is something anyone has tried to do the educated children of the world. Not at all. It was just a thought.
Something to think about.


You can either view the world with a good attitude
Or with a bad attitude
It's not going to change for you.
You have to change it for yourself.
You have to be the one to change it for everyone
or anyone


Well of course I left something at home..
(we're on the bus to NYC by the way)
And I left the chargers to my camera AND my phone.
So...if people I usually text get on here
I'm leaving my phone off for all of today probably.
It's got three out of four bars. I'll be okay. Hopefully you'll be okay.
I'm sure you will.

Eagle scouts tend to be so.

Have fun with your music and your awesomeness.
For sure the most talented person playing, right?
That's what I thought. :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


'Tis not "What does he have that I don't?", but 'tis instead:

"What does she not have that I need?"

Monday, February 13, 2012


Sometimes I have to just sit down and cry and not care about whether I'm being too dramatic.

My gosh, it doesn't even matter. I don't understand why I worry about it so much when people aren't even around...

Monday, February 6, 2012


Magpie #103.

Link to picture here

Death. Red blood, sharp cornered, cornered in the middle death.
Life. Red roses, hands open, reaching towards the sky death.
Happy flowers scattered 'round.
Despair of sadness sticks to the ground.
Black marble drags the drumbeat on while mockingbirds and sparrows sing sadly along.

Your hands are open. Reach towards me. Things don't have to be how the seem to be.
You don't have to mourn.
You don't have to bleed.
Listen. Listen. Listen to me.
Please listen to me. Please stay here. I beg, I beg, I beg of you, my dear.

My dear, dear friend. My dear, dear friend.
Don't be sad. Okay, you can. But don't be sad forever, man.
I know your heart is broken. I know it's shattered in two. I know I can't say much to comfort because I have a boyfriend too.
I just wish... That you could see.
I wish you could see how much you mean to me. I love all my friends, this is true.
And you are my friend. So I love you!

I know that you are broken. And the future seems unclear. I know that it may suck right now. You thought it wouldn't get here.
You thought you had a chance. Believe me, I'm sure you had some.
But this girl, this mutual friend of ours, right now she's not the one.
Right now, for you, she's not any of the ones that you may date or be with for as long as forever may take...
I'm really, really sorry. And I hope you don't stay sad.
And I have hope because I believe that things won't stay this bad.
I saw a shadow of a smile on your face!
I saw you start to grin!
I saw I saw I saw I saw ... but I'd like to see it again...

I kind of know the way you feel. For I have felt things similar too...
I know, at least, I'm scared--always--of these things going through you.
Rejection. Loss. That someone will take it away before I get the chance. I have a plan, but what if then it's ripped right out of my hands?
I rip my hands and fingers too. I rip and tear at my heels.
I rip at my toes, and before I know it, it's bleeding. This is for reals.
It's not so bad, no, nowadays. It's not as bad as it was.
But still sometimes I bleed.
And sometimes.
I need.
A friend, like you.
And sometimes I cry.
And sometimes. I feel like I've died.
And sometimes I need.
A friend, like you.
A hug from you. Or a hug given to you. Just as the case may be.

Sunday, February 5, 2012



Singkittyle000 is not a single kitty anymore!!!! :)))

Hey.. Remember that time a girl's heart got broken and she decided to make a blog to help her get through her depression? And remember that time a girl was crying on the inside and wished somebody would notice? And remember that time a girl felt so alone that she couldn't find a place to turn to? But remember that time that a girl found people who cared on this very blog? And remember when she grew and grew and became happy again?
Remember when that girl wondered if she would ever have a crush on somebody again? Maybe not, because she didn't tell you.
But remember when a girl was well into 3 months after a relationship had ended and still wasn't completely broken off from it?
But remember when she woke up from that dream and she was over it? Remember when she woke up and sat straight up and said she was done?

Remember when this school year started and she met these AMAZING friends--guys and girls--that she absotootenly loves? And remember when she loved all the guys, but not in an intimate sort of way? She does. And she still loves them. And the girls, of course. But my brother has a point that can be argued: Boys are more entertaining than girls. I'm not agreeing and I'm not disagreeing. Just sayin'.

Remember when she met people and met people and made friends and had little crushes on people she met? Remember when she met a guy at a band gig where she was taking pictures for a friend of the family?
Remember when she had that awesome New Year's Eve night? Well she saw that guy there too. And he gave her his number. And, no, she didn't have a crush on him then, but he must have liked her that way at least a little.

Remember when she started texted him everyday? Well, no, I don't think you do. Because she didn't tell you. But she did.

Remember when this girl, right here, was absolutely heartbroken? Do you remember that? I do. I do I do I do I do. Remember when she was scared all those times? And not just because of a guy.

Remember when this girl realized she was hurting herself when she pulled at her skin? Remember when she began to grow ashamed of it? Remember when she couldn't walk on her heels and had to walk only on the balls of her feet because it hurt so bad otherwise? Remember when she taught herself to walk on them anyways? Remember when she had to run like that? Remember when she got warts on her hands and picked at them until they bled? Remember that one time in chapel this year when she picked at the one on her palm so much it started bleeding all over the place and she hid it in her sweatshirt sleeve and prayed to God that nobody would notice? And it was all over her hand?
Remember a few months ago when she picked so much at her lips that the blood was all over her forefinger and her thumb and all over her mouth and she looked like a vampire? Remember when she prayed that nobody would walk in on her while she was cleaning up?

Remember that moment when she was really ashamed for not stopping herself? Remember when she was scared? Gosh, she's scared right now for someone to see this. But remember when she decided not to be ashamed anymore? I do. I do!
That sucked, what she did to herself. But remember when she talked to that awesome girl who felt like she was alone? And rememb when she... Oh my gosh.

Remember when she broke her friends' hearts? Remember that? This year and two years ago? Remember that? But remember when we all moved on? I do! And even if all of you haven't moved on yet, there will be a girl out there who loves you more than I ever could.

Remember when .... When. When I had boyfriend?

Do you remember that?

Haha, I do. :)

Oh, and this girl knows something that you don't remember. ;)
You don't remember because she hasn't told you yet.

I remember when I got a boyfriend in 2012.

I was right guys! This is the party year!
I have so many reasons to party haha!
Yesss I am so excited! It took 2 years to get here. But I think this is the most excited I've been in a verrrryyyy long time. <3


See that girl at the top? That's not me. Not right now. Not anymore. < 3

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Venus just blew my mind, guys.

Well... Actually it was a boy.

Lol. Close enough ;)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Sometimes... I think that boys are just clueless and there's absolutely no cure or explanation for it...



please don't.


I'm really worried about Saturday.

I'm really worried about my friends. Certain ones. Who seem to care an awful lot about me.

What if they're hurt when they see me with him there a lot?, I don't even know how to bring it up with him.

Maybe I'll be lucky and he'll come on here and see this.

(Yeah guys! Actually I think I only have girls following this but that's okay I meant it generally! I actually have somebody else coming on...occasionally. But occasionally is just as cool. I don't think anyone else besides me comes on an almost daily basis)

But even if he did I'd be reeaaallllyyy embarrassed.
Or please do.

Judging is okay sometimes, actually.
True feelings and stuff.
Or if you're ignorant, it might not show viable true feelings and stuff.
But I guess it would still show true feelings and stuff.

But you could also be naive and it wouldn't be as bad.
But I guess. .... Being ignorant about something like that isn't too awful in the first place.

It's just who you are. One cannot help such a thing. Why would you want to change anyways? Why would you want to help yourself not be you? You wouldn't be helping yourself...then you'd just be wasting time. Because you are you are you are you and that's a fact. No changing it. You can be you trying to be someone else, but you are always still you.

......I love that fact of life. :))


When I see you put yourself out there, I'm almost 100% sure that you mean what you say.
I have put myself out there, in front of you, as you have seen.

...But, somehow, I feel I am more wary of putting myself out there.

YOU aren't a lifeline. I can feel that you can be one sometimes. You can be like one. But you ARE NOT ONE. You are a person with feelings and fears.
A person that I care about a lot, I'll even admit it on here.

Why more wary of putting myself out there in front of you and directed towards you? It's because I ...
It's because it's not official. Anything about or between you and I.
And I don't want to be in a situation where you could possibly turn around and disappear and not be as inclined to say why or how, because it wasn't official in the first place.

I can tell anyone that I care about them.

It's not that I don't trust in you.
Believe me, I do.
But I am a realist after all. Even if being a dreamer comes first, even if being a fighter and a lover and a friendlier all come first.... I can still be realistic. And I am.

But a realist is not all of who I am.
I am just me.
Kitty. Ana. Kelsey.

And this is how I feel.

Monday, January 30, 2012


Magpie again! Number 102!

(there's a link on the post of my other blog to the picture of the magpie HERE)

Immensely oblivious to that which surrounds.
Except for overwhelming feelings of
hatred, but not so harsh
depression, but not so deep
happiness, but not so joyful
and calamity, but not so calm.
Rancor of sounds and noises
Rancor of colors and sights
Rancor of listeners and talkers
Rancor of claims of "love at first sight"
In a sort of a "I'm a vampire; I bite"
Sort of way.
Full of greed.






Sunday, January 29, 2012


My heart hurts,,,
And so does my tummy...
And I just really miss you.


Truth is....

...there's only so long I can play pretend that you're here and still be even slightly okay that you're not.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


LOL 126 for 1/26

... :)))

I haven't listened to this song in so loonng....

Like...all year. ^_^. It totally fits my mood. I haven't listened to any of the music on my iPad all year lol.

Playlist of the night. A repeat from sometime before probably lol::

Blessed Be Your Name by someone...
Bluebird by Christina Perri
Breathe In, Breathe Out by Mat Kearney


I've been okay with it. And I've been accepting of it. But here we go again. There it went again. I just broke another friend's heart. I can't quite believe it as I listen to this song.


You were the first dear friend I called dear-friend on here!
That's for a reason! I care about you so much! And I would miss you.



I'm so sorry. I'm so so so so so sorry. I'm so so sos SOS so so so so so so so so so so so sorry!
You trusted me and I let you down.
I hope you will forgive me. I hope we won't grow detached as much as it seems the last one turned out.

I can't quite believe that I've done this again.
I need to wallow in this for a little... I feel... I fell... I feel.. to perfectly and wholely appreciate it.

*Bluebird by Christina Perri*
*with sirens fading in the background*

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How does it do that?
How could I expect you to do that.
How could I expect you to know...
How to teach itself to start ... Beating again?

I know you might have been through something like this before. But that doesn't mean you know. That doesn't mean I would know. Or that anybody else would know.

This little bluebird... Came looking for you. I said that I hadn't seen you in quite some time. But I don't want this to happen.
This little bluebird... She came looking again. Please don't let us ever not be friends. But of course there'd be no reason for me to say she couldn't have you. Don't tell her she can't have you because your heart is set on someone else who won't love you back or can't love you back when you know that deep down inside of you, this bluebird is much better for you than that girl.

Don't you know that I know it was hard?
It was for me.
I know that a part of you died.
But it would have been such a lie if I had said yes.
And in the end we would have ALL cried.

I promise you'll find your little bluebird. Or big as the case may be. Or medium.
And she won't give it a rest. About you. She'll adore you and love you more than any other girl (except your momma) before her.
And for her, you'll be better than all the rest.
And for you, she'll be better than all the rest.
But you being for me as of now? No, no, you've got it all wrong. If I was going to be worth your time that way, I wouldn't be rewriting this song.

And don't you know I know it was hard.
I knew it would be for me too.
And I promise it was, even if it didn't seem that way.
I know that a part of you died.
But it would have been such a lie if I said yes.
And in the end, even more of us would have cried.

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How do you tell yourself and your heart that you have to start keeping on moving on and have to start beating again?
Well, I'm pretty sure it's not that simple.

But what if you don't move on?
What if when she comes over I am all you think about?
And you're thinking about me and I'm taking away from all she wants in you.
And what if it happens again?
What if it had happened before?

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How do you frickin' teach yourself to start beating again?

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
Maybe you teach yourself to start beating again because you have to.
You probably do it because you're strong. I know you are strong. You are my friend and I know you are.
You can teach yourself to start beating again.
You will teach yourself to start beating again.
I know you can always, foreve and always, my dear-friend, teach yourself to start beating again.

I believe in you.

And maybe the next little bluebird... Will stop coming around. And not because of me. And not because of you. Just because she beats and moves...
And if you need me, please remember that all you need do is look.
And if I feel that you need a friend, or I need a friend, I know that all I need do is look.

And I'll find you.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


MAGGGPIIEE TIMMEE!!! el numero 100! So cool!

Oh My Gosh.
A breath.
A breath and a next breath underwater.
That's like in my dreams.
In my dreams I can breathe underwater.
I was scared at first, especially the first time.
But then I realized that it was just a dream.
And that I would be kept safe because my Creator would not let me drown.
Even in my own tears,
I would not drown.
Even outside of the dream,
and inside of the real-life, for-real life,
I realized that He would not
He will not
He never shall
let me drown.

Underwater is like my depression was.
What if I am lost forever in this depth of depths of depths?
The sea goes on forever,
but I will not.
But He does.

Why couldn't Adam and Eve just stay in the freaking garden.
Why couldn't they just do what He asked?

isn't it interesting how she's already underwater but it seems like only part of her is wet?

I was really scared when I was depressed.
I was really just numb to it all.
In a pressure that was there all the time.
Depressing. Pressing in on me. Pressure.

Maybe the depressing. pressing in on me. pressure will be gone forever for me now?

I hopes so.

But in my dreams, I can breathe underwater.
And there is no pressure.
Just cool air that I squeeze from the water which surrounds me.
So I suppose there still is pressure?
But only a calm kind. 

It's nice. In my dreams. It's dark. But it's light.
I just remember the dark.
But I just remember the nice.
The nice of being able to actually breathe for once.
Under Pressure.

Goodbye Depression Pressure Pressing In On Me.
Good morning Sunshine, just above the horizon and not e'en there when I wake up.
But I see you.
I see you, I tell you!
I see you in this photograph.
A million hundred thousand miles away
with a million hundred thousand things to say
and a million hundred thousand ways to explain.

And you are there, sunshine. You are always there.