Wednesday, February 29, 2012


Just to make something clear...
...I don't mind people coming on to this blog and reading it, even you people that I complained about earlier whom I know.

It's just taking a little getting used to to have more than leafcloud on here that I know. It's kind of revealing when someone sees your innermost thoughts. It's kind of scary.
But I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me, and I sincerely believe I will be okay with this soon.
I won't be completely okay with it tonight, but I will be completely okay with it soon.
And if I'm not, then I'll let you know and say I was wrong. Until then, there are only a few times where I will be wary of anyone coming on here.
But if I'm too wary, I won't even post it. I have a blog for that stuff that only I can see. So there.
I'm okay. It's okay. Be okay. Please, stay, if you wish.


And it's all because of yous.


I believe I do take advantage of my friends.
Bisael was right, I do spend a lot more time around my guy friends.
I must take more advantage of them than the girls, yes?
I'm sure I do if I spend more time around them, which I do.
It's okay if people rub off on you. If you love them, it doesn't matter anyways.
Don't you kind of want to be at least a little like the people you love?
If you don't, then why do you love them?
But anyways: my friends.
I guess I should go more with my guy friends for the reasons previously stated.
I take advantage of them because I do believe they keep me out of depression.
I take advantage of their being there, their listening to me, their willingness to give hugs, and their willingness to put up with me.
But I guess if friends don't take advantage of their friends doing things like that, what kind of close relationship do you have?
You don't have a close one.
Maybe you do, but I don't.
Without any of my friends, boys and girls, I'd be a sunken ship.
Rise Ye Sunken Ships, says We Are Augustines.
I would not rise.
I don't have to rise now because I have my friends and I am neither sunken nor rising, but I am afloatin'.


If I die tonight, whoever you are, I don't have to tell you I love you because if you simply run through this whole blog you will see that I do and you won't need me to tell you anyways.


The house is dark and the storm is upon us.
I have traversed close to the edge of getting scared that leads to panicking about dying tonight.
I tore layer upon layer of paper off of my chocolate milk box.
And then I took a picture of it.
It took me forty minutes to tear all that paper into layers.
I spent forty minutes tearing the paper off of my chocolate milk box.
At least I didn't spend forty minutes tearing the skin off my fingers although I might have already done that today.
It only got to bleeding once on my thumb during last period while we were discussing The Catcher In The Rye and Holden.
Gosh, I love Holden. I pity him, but I also love him.
Don't you just want to give him a great big hug?
Considering the majority, no, you probably don't, but I do.
I want to be there when he cries--every single time.
I wish I could hold him and it not be awkward.
Don't you think it would be awkward if I just held him?
Maybe not. Maybe it wouldn't be, but maybe it would.
While I was peeling, I wondered if I am getting depressed.
I remember saying that I wasn't ever going to go back to that black hole again?
But I realized that I can't really control whether I get depressed again or not.
I feel like saying that I'll never let myself get depressed again is just another way of bottling all of it up, which in turn, leads to depression.
Cutting is not an option for me.
This, I know already.
I have now come to grips that depression is an option.
Cutting is never an option, but depression is.
I feel that my depression was cleansing, and although it was turbulent it was also some of the calmest I've ever been in my life in a way.
I don't think I'm getting depressed.
I wouldn't doubt that someday I'll be depressed again, but hey, that's just life.
It's okay to be depressed.
It's not okay to bottle it up.
Depression was when my "all of it" was pouring out of me: consuming me.
I still hid, but I cried.
And maybe I was frustrated that my friends didn't see it, but I was completely immersed within myself and I was completely mindful of myself. Maybe I wasn't mindful of anything else, but I was mindful of myself without realizing it.
So, just saying, if I get depressed I have not failed.
If I get depressed, I have lived and lived to tell the tail of the tale.
And it's okay because I won't die tonight.
If I do die tonight, I guess I was wrong.


Right now, I HATE IT that even a couple of my friends can come on here and read my blog and that they do.

One was always okay.

Three won't be okay everyday.

This is my place for my most personal thoughts and I can say anything I want to on here, but when you know that people you know are going to read it, that all changes.

I just want to be able to say what I want and not be afraid that any of you are going to see it!

Screw yo


...I don't really mean screw you and I didn't. That's why I crossed it out.

..see? If there was no one coming on here I wouldn't freaking CARE if I said screw you and didn't mean it. It wouldn't matter.
I'm going to cry.

Sunday, February 26, 2012


From my tumblr ( ):

I don't think I'll ever understand just how much I mean to people. ....


My friends, my followers, my teachers, my boyfriend.

Understanding that stuff from my family is easiest, but how about the rest?

I forget that my boyfriend and my friends believe in me, but then when they tell me it all comes rushing back: wave upon wave returns and I REMEMBER: OH You've said that before. You really mean it, don't you? You really do think I'm strong and you really do think I'm brave and you really do believe in me! I don't know why I forgot so easily, but I did!

And not just you, but others, have said that before! You all really believe in me, don't you?

And then, to my followers and subscribers and visitors .... I will never know how much what I blog and post and reblog will affect you.
Never in a million years, will i understand.


I'm so surrounded by people who love me..... Oh my gosh.

It's slightly overwhelming; although, this overwhelming is nice and warm and fills me up.

I forget how much people care.

Take this: Year of 2012, Month of February, Realization of How Blessed I Truly Am To Have So Many Friends That Love Me And Tell Me Often.

I'll try really hard to not forget ever again. No perfect promises available; I'm sorry.

Friday, February 24, 2012


I kind of realized what another huge part that was making me sad... I kind of realized what it was.

When I was at home, crying, last night or when I was close to tears, I knew my friends would make me feel better.
That's why I was so depressed that I won't see them until Monday.
Last night, I was certain that there would be a good chance I would cry today at school but I didn't. My friends.... I never cry around them unless it's really bad. It's not because I don't want to.. It's because they make me so happy.

For example, when I was putting my shoes on for track after school today, I was sitting on the floor in front of Chappers and Lexbri was sitting on the small table against the wall to my left and talking to someone (I forgot who) and I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but laugh either. A small laugh. A small smile, and then it quickly went away. But it was there.

That's when I realized how happy my friends make me.
And that being in NYC with them got me all used to being around them so much...
And then I was just let down this school week. It was one of the worst, even though it was only three days long.

Bt I'm going to sleep now so I can get up and watch We Are Augustines on Jimmy Kimmel Live at 11:45 tonight. Bye, I love you all.


Well I decided not to go to the dance because I'm so tired and miserable.


But we still bought tickets at the door. Actually, my brother did because I was so upset that I wouldn't even get out of the car and walk to the door.


Hey, friend.
Dear friend,

I wish you would just come over to my house right now and play "Mad World" and I could just sit under the piano while you play and it wouldn't matter.
It wouldn't matter that it's 1:10 in the morning.
It wouldn't matter that we have school tomorrow or that your dad would probably kill you if you came over right now.
I'd just sit and listen and you'd just sit and play.
In this ideal world, it would be fantastic.
All that woul be would be the piano and the music and me and you.
Kind of like some older times.
The whole rest of the world would just stop for a while.
And then I'd be more than just okay.


This is so depressing...reading over the stuff I just wrote.

So... I'm going to leave now. And not read it.
I'm not trying to depress myself (or anyone else for that matter). I'm just trying to relieve myself.

That's what this blog is for, you know.
In the end, I'm the one who benefits far more from it all than anyone else out there.
Or, at least, thats how I feel right now.


Oh, would you look at that.
I am totally the anime girl up top right now. All stormy around. Crying.
Yeah, not crying yet.
But it's a'coming.

I'll be all right. Just not tonight.


Don't really feel like going to school or making any movements tomorrow that even suggest that I'm alive. Laying in bed sounds all day really good right now. Sounds better than most everything else. 

Except for a hug.

But other than a hug, I'd love to lay in bed and forget the world for a little while.
At least I don't have a biology test tomorrow.

Oh wait, but I have a Spanish test. Watch me fail. Just watch me.
You don't have to do anything else.

It's almost 1 am and I don't have hardly any of my homework done.
Yeah. Whatever. Fine.


I am so tired.
Just so so tired.
I don't want to go to the dance tomorrow.
I know Hupy on a slightly more personal level...
But hardly anyone I'm close with is going.
Then there's the grinding...and well all know I'm not getting into that, right?
Well, now you do know.


I wish somebody would go with me. Did you know I've been looking forward to a Sadie Hawkins dance since middle school? Well, too bad it's Webbkinz kids only. No people from different schools.
Oh, and well too bad no one you know is coming.

I want to go and support him... Just... ARGH

I need a huge, huge hug.
So I think I'll get one from Chappers tomorrow.
Because he's the only one who's really bigger than me.

I've needed it for the past two days.
And, yeah, hugs are great from people.... But sometimes you just need a really big hug.

I just. Am so. Tired.

And I still have to do my homework!

Ever since I returned from NYC I've felt awful. Awfully tired. Awfully behind. Awfully awfully awful.
I've been stressed about what to do on Friday for over the past 24 hours.

Maybe I should just go home after the game and not do anything else.
Just go home.
And sleep.
And cry. If I need to.

Monday, February 20, 2012


I have the best "fake" brothers in the world.

And I say "fake" in quotation marks because they don't include my real brother, but they still feel like brothers for the most part. I just don't live with them. That's probably a good thing. That's definitely a good thing.

But still. The best.
They're always there.

My girls are always there too.

But I'm talking about the guys here. :P
I absolutely love them.

I don't think I could hardly live without them.


I'm so glad my the people I'm close to don't judge me for spending so much time with my guy friends.

Well... I don't think they do. I'm talking about my girl friends and my boyfriend...and my family I guess too.

They're so amusing though!

...but they've started to rub off on me. I mean, I guess that's what you get from walking around NYC with them for 4 days straight. And riding on the bus...oohh the bus ride. Oh dear. We won't speak about that ;P

But they have! It's awful! But I'm still absolutely wonderful.

I truly have the best friends. Guys and girls. That I have ever had in my life or that I feel I COULD POSSIBLY have in my whole life.

Brilliant, wonderful people even if you're annoying sometimes.
Even if you cross the line in a subway station, it's okay. I still love you even if nobody else does. :))) <3

Friday, February 17, 2012


Before the previous post, I was just thinking about this ..which may or may not be true. 'Tis still a thought, though:

All our lives, while we go through school the men and women running the school push us to do well. They not only push us, the children, to do well, but they push us to make friends, congratulate us when we do, and convince us that this is the best support group you could possibly have in these years of our lives.

But then they go and say, "Oh, wait. All this trust you worked so hard for? Yeah, it's going to disappear in a few years when you all go off to college. You'll never see each other again and your relationships won't ever be as close as they were."
So the men and women just set up the children for heartbreak and sadness and tears when we go across the stage when we graduate, right?

Heartless ideas. Sure, maybe there should be sacrifices in life, but these? That's not what we want! And we don't even have a choice. It's much too late now.


And I was thinking... You could think about it that way and be miserable for most of your life.
Or you could look at all life in a positive manner.
I don't believe the above is something anyone has tried to do the educated children of the world. Not at all. It was just a thought.
Something to think about.


You can either view the world with a good attitude
Or with a bad attitude
It's not going to change for you.
You have to change it for yourself.
You have to be the one to change it for everyone
or anyone


Well of course I left something at home..
(we're on the bus to NYC by the way)
And I left the chargers to my camera AND my phone.
So...if people I usually text get on here
I'm leaving my phone off for all of today probably.
It's got three out of four bars. I'll be okay. Hopefully you'll be okay.
I'm sure you will.

Eagle scouts tend to be so.

Have fun with your music and your awesomeness.
For sure the most talented person playing, right?
That's what I thought. :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


'Tis not "What does he have that I don't?", but 'tis instead:

"What does she not have that I need?"

Monday, February 13, 2012


Sometimes I have to just sit down and cry and not care about whether I'm being too dramatic.

My gosh, it doesn't even matter. I don't understand why I worry about it so much when people aren't even around...

Monday, February 6, 2012


Magpie #103.

Link to picture here

Death. Red blood, sharp cornered, cornered in the middle death.
Life. Red roses, hands open, reaching towards the sky death.
Happy flowers scattered 'round.
Despair of sadness sticks to the ground.
Black marble drags the drumbeat on while mockingbirds and sparrows sing sadly along.

Your hands are open. Reach towards me. Things don't have to be how the seem to be.
You don't have to mourn.
You don't have to bleed.
Listen. Listen. Listen to me.
Please listen to me. Please stay here. I beg, I beg, I beg of you, my dear.

My dear, dear friend. My dear, dear friend.
Don't be sad. Okay, you can. But don't be sad forever, man.
I know your heart is broken. I know it's shattered in two. I know I can't say much to comfort because I have a boyfriend too.
I just wish... That you could see.
I wish you could see how much you mean to me. I love all my friends, this is true.
And you are my friend. So I love you!

I know that you are broken. And the future seems unclear. I know that it may suck right now. You thought it wouldn't get here.
You thought you had a chance. Believe me, I'm sure you had some.
But this girl, this mutual friend of ours, right now she's not the one.
Right now, for you, she's not any of the ones that you may date or be with for as long as forever may take...
I'm really, really sorry. And I hope you don't stay sad.
And I have hope because I believe that things won't stay this bad.
I saw a shadow of a smile on your face!
I saw you start to grin!
I saw I saw I saw I saw ... but I'd like to see it again...

I kind of know the way you feel. For I have felt things similar too...
I know, at least, I'm scared--always--of these things going through you.
Rejection. Loss. That someone will take it away before I get the chance. I have a plan, but what if then it's ripped right out of my hands?
I rip my hands and fingers too. I rip and tear at my heels.
I rip at my toes, and before I know it, it's bleeding. This is for reals.
It's not so bad, no, nowadays. It's not as bad as it was.
But still sometimes I bleed.
And sometimes.
I need.
A friend, like you.
And sometimes I cry.
And sometimes. I feel like I've died.
And sometimes I need.
A friend, like you.
A hug from you. Or a hug given to you. Just as the case may be.

Sunday, February 5, 2012



Singkittyle000 is not a single kitty anymore!!!! :)))

Hey.. Remember that time a girl's heart got broken and she decided to make a blog to help her get through her depression? And remember that time a girl was crying on the inside and wished somebody would notice? And remember that time a girl felt so alone that she couldn't find a place to turn to? But remember that time that a girl found people who cared on this very blog? And remember when she grew and grew and became happy again?
Remember when that girl wondered if she would ever have a crush on somebody again? Maybe not, because she didn't tell you.
But remember when a girl was well into 3 months after a relationship had ended and still wasn't completely broken off from it?
But remember when she woke up from that dream and she was over it? Remember when she woke up and sat straight up and said she was done?

Remember when this school year started and she met these AMAZING friends--guys and girls--that she absotootenly loves? And remember when she loved all the guys, but not in an intimate sort of way? She does. And she still loves them. And the girls, of course. But my brother has a point that can be argued: Boys are more entertaining than girls. I'm not agreeing and I'm not disagreeing. Just sayin'.

Remember when she met people and met people and made friends and had little crushes on people she met? Remember when she met a guy at a band gig where she was taking pictures for a friend of the family?
Remember when she had that awesome New Year's Eve night? Well she saw that guy there too. And he gave her his number. And, no, she didn't have a crush on him then, but he must have liked her that way at least a little.

Remember when she started texted him everyday? Well, no, I don't think you do. Because she didn't tell you. But she did.

Remember when this girl, right here, was absolutely heartbroken? Do you remember that? I do. I do I do I do I do. Remember when she was scared all those times? And not just because of a guy.

Remember when this girl realized she was hurting herself when she pulled at her skin? Remember when she began to grow ashamed of it? Remember when she couldn't walk on her heels and had to walk only on the balls of her feet because it hurt so bad otherwise? Remember when she taught herself to walk on them anyways? Remember when she had to run like that? Remember when she got warts on her hands and picked at them until they bled? Remember that one time in chapel this year when she picked at the one on her palm so much it started bleeding all over the place and she hid it in her sweatshirt sleeve and prayed to God that nobody would notice? And it was all over her hand?
Remember a few months ago when she picked so much at her lips that the blood was all over her forefinger and her thumb and all over her mouth and she looked like a vampire? Remember when she prayed that nobody would walk in on her while she was cleaning up?

Remember that moment when she was really ashamed for not stopping herself? Remember when she was scared? Gosh, she's scared right now for someone to see this. But remember when she decided not to be ashamed anymore? I do. I do!
That sucked, what she did to herself. But remember when she talked to that awesome girl who felt like she was alone? And rememb when she... Oh my gosh.

Remember when she broke her friends' hearts? Remember that? This year and two years ago? Remember that? But remember when we all moved on? I do! And even if all of you haven't moved on yet, there will be a girl out there who loves you more than I ever could.

Remember when .... When. When I had boyfriend?

Do you remember that?

Haha, I do. :)

Oh, and this girl knows something that you don't remember. ;)
You don't remember because she hasn't told you yet.

I remember when I got a boyfriend in 2012.

I was right guys! This is the party year!
I have so many reasons to party haha!
Yesss I am so excited! It took 2 years to get here. But I think this is the most excited I've been in a verrrryyyy long time. <3


See that girl at the top? That's not me. Not right now. Not anymore. < 3

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Venus just blew my mind, guys.

Well... Actually it was a boy.

Lol. Close enough ;)