#219

Tomorrow... I will be going to many doctor's appointments. One for a physical in the early morning, one at the orthodontist, one with my therapist, and onnee with a person to get meds to help with my picking?? I guess that's the place mom is having me go to get meds for my anxiety issues. I, personally, didn't think any anxiety that I have is THAT bad and the thought of having to take medicine for it is just making me MORE anxious than I was before!
Picking my skin is NOT JUST BECAUSE OF ANXIETY. IT IS A HABIT.

UGH.

GETTING MEDS FOR ANXIETY IS NOT GOING TO NECESSARILY KEEP ME FROM PICKING MY SKIN.

My goal was to stop picking.
My goal was not to brainwash my brain to keep myself from picking by the course of drugs.

I don't want to have to use external measures forced down my own throat to quit a habit that I could quit by myself.

I guess I just don't want to be dependent on a substance.
I really, really, really, don't want to be dependent on a substance.

#139

Magpie #103.


Link to picture here

Death. Red blood, sharp cornered, cornered in the middle death.
Life. Red roses, hands open, reaching towards the sky death.
Happy flowers scattered 'round.
Despair of sadness sticks to the ground.
Black marble drags the drumbeat on while mockingbirds and sparrows sing sadly along.

Your hands are open. Reach towards me. Things don't have to be how the seem to be.
You don't have to mourn.
You don't have to bleed.
Listen. Listen. Listen to me.
Please.
Please listen to me. Please stay here. I beg, I beg, I beg of you, my dear.
My dear, dear friend. My dear, dear friend.
Don't be sad. Okay, you can. But don't be sad forever, man.
I know your heart is broken. I know it's shattered in two. I know I can't say much to comfort because I have a boyfriend too.
I just wish... That you could see.
I wish you could see how much you mean to me. I love all my friends, this is true.
And you are my friend. So I love you!

I know that you are broken. And the future seems unclear. I know that it may suck right now. You thought it wouldn't get here.
You thought you had a chance. Believe me, I'm sure you had some.
But this girl, this mutual friend of ours, right now she's not the one.
Right now, for you, she's not any of the ones that you may date or be with for as long as forever may take...
I'm really, really sorry. And I hope you don't stay sad.
And I have hope because I believe that things won't stay this bad.
I saw a shadow of a smile on your face!
I saw you start to grin!
I saw I saw I saw I saw ... but I'd like to see it again...

I kind of know the way you feel. For I have felt things similar too...
I know, at least, I'm scared--always--of these things going through you.
Rejection. Loss. That someone will take it away before I get the chance. I have a plan, but what if then it's ripped right out of my hands?
I rip my hands and fingers too. I rip and tear at my heels.
I rip at my toes, and before I know it, it's bleeding. This is for reals.
It's not so bad, no, nowadays. It's not as bad as it was.
But still sometimes I bleed.
And sometimes.
I need.
A friend, like you.
And sometimes I cry.
And sometimes. I feel like I've died.
And sometimes I need.
A friend, like you.
A hug from you. Or a hug given to you. Just as the case may be.

#138

YEEEESSSSSSSS!! HEY GUESS WHAT GUYS???!!

Singkittyle000 is not a single kitty anymore!!!! :)))

Hey.. Remember that time a girl's heart got broken and she decided to make a blog to help her get through her depression? And remember that time a girl was crying on the inside and wished somebody would notice? And remember that time a girl felt so alone that she couldn't find a place to turn to? But remember that time that a girl found people who cared on this very blog? And remember when she grew and grew and became happy again?
Remember when that girl wondered if she would ever have a crush on somebody again? Maybe not, because she didn't tell you.
But remember when a girl was well into 3 months after a relationship had ended and still wasn't completely broken off from it?
But remember when she woke up from that dream and she was over it? Remember when she woke up and sat straight up and said she was done?

Remember when this school year started and she met these AMAZING friends--guys and girls--that she absotootenly loves? And remember when she loved all the guys, but not in an intimate sort of way? She does. And she still loves them. And the girls, of course. But my brother has a point that can be argued: Boys are more entertaining than girls. I'm not agreeing and I'm not disagreeing. Just sayin'.

Remember when she met people and met people and made friends and had little crushes on people she met? Remember when she met a guy at a band gig where she was taking pictures for a friend of the family?
Remember when she had that awesome New Year's Eve night? Well she saw that guy there too. And he gave her his number. And, no, she didn't have a crush on him then, but he must have liked her that way at least a little.

Remember when she started texted him everyday? Well, no, I don't think you do. Because she didn't tell you. But she did.

Remember when this girl, right here, was absolutely heartbroken? Do you remember that? I do. I do I do I do I do. Remember when she was scared all those times? And not just because of a guy.

Remember when this girl realized she was hurting herself when she pulled at her skin? Remember when she began to grow ashamed of it? Remember when she couldn't walk on her heels and had to walk only on the balls of her feet because it hurt so bad otherwise? Remember when she taught herself to walk on them anyways? Remember when she had to run like that? Remember when she got warts on her hands and picked at them until they bled? Remember that one time in chapel this year when she picked at the one on her palm so much it started bleeding all over the place and she hid it in her sweatshirt sleeve and prayed to God that nobody would notice? And it was all over her hand?
Remember a few months ago when she picked so much at her lips that the blood was all over her forefinger and her thumb and all over her mouth and she looked like a vampire? Remember when she prayed that nobody would walk in on her while she was cleaning up?

Remember that moment when she was really ashamed for not stopping herself? Remember when she was scared? Gosh, she's scared right now for someone to see this. But remember when she decided not to be ashamed anymore? I do. I do!
That sucked, what she did to herself. But remember when she talked to that awesome girl who felt like she was alone? And rememb when she... Oh my gosh.

Remember when she broke her friends' hearts? Remember that? This year and two years ago? Remember that? But remember when we all moved on? I do! And even if all of you haven't moved on yet, there will be a girl out there who loves you more than I ever could.

Remember when .... When. When I had boyfriend?

Do you remember that?

Haha, I do. :)

Oh, and this girl knows something that you don't remember. ;)
You don't remember because she hasn't told you yet.

I remember when I got a boyfriend in 2012.

I was right guys! This is the party year!
I have so many reasons to party haha!
Yesss I am so excited! It took 2 years to get here. But I think this is the most excited I've been in a verrrryyyy long time. <3

#99

I never considered myself a maniac. But now, I guess everyone has some sort of mania deep inside of them. Mine, personally, is mania of dermatillo. No, that's not armadillo. That's dermatillo.

Derma Greek for skin.

Till Greek for pull.

Mania Greek for madness.

I have a Greek friend...

I'm gonna tell you straight-up, straight-forward, with no candy coating specialties what Dermatillomania means.

Dermatillomania An illness that produces a(n) (only sometimes [in my case]) overwhelming desire to pick, pull, and plow away at his or her own skin.

"Even though they know it's painful, unsightly, and almost impossible to justify."

TRUE DAT.


For me, it's not always painful. And mostly, it's not! But I know it's unsightly...and that it's gross and that I shouldn't be doing it. All the information about Dermatillomania on this post is from a certain website where I also read that we are very good at hiding our disorder.

Yes. It makes me kind of cringe to think that I may have a disorder or illness..but I'm glad I finally looked up this problem to see if it was important enough to other people that it would have a name. And it is important enough, as I have found. People with this problem don't really tell anyone...and...I just now read this a second ago ...

"Dermatillomania sufferers are very private about their condition and rarely talk about it with others, due to embarrassment and the inner fear to be rejected." DUE TO EMBARRASSMENT AND THE INNER FEAR TO BE REJECTED.
THE INNER FEAR TO BE REJECTED. THE INNER FEAR TO BE REJECTED.
THE INNER FEAR TO BE REJECTED.
THE INNER FEAR TO BE REJECTED.
THE INNER FEAR TO BE REJECTED.

oh my gosh THE INNER FEAR TO BE REJECTED.


I also saw this in the outline of the chapters of a book the guy who founded the website wrote/made or something...

"TREATMENT OPTIONS 41

Will Power Does Not Work 41"


WILL POWER DOES NOT WORK
Yup. I figured that one out my self.

Only 1% of the visitors to this site "tried to stop the picking and succeeded"
Out of "trying to stop and succeeding in lessening the amount of damage", "trying to stop and failing", and "not trying to stop".

Anyhow.. I must go. I have homework to do. I think I'll start writing every day about this ...along with my 365 day challenge on The Splurge.

I'd love to get back to posting more on here than tumblr. I owe so much more to blogger/blogspot.com.

Anyways...that website?::

Www.skin pick.com

Thanks so much!

Oh, and btw/P.S. Having a name for my problem is not to lessen the importance of the damage I cause, but rather to make the problem more concrete and real to me so that I am more likely to fix it.

I think I go in the second cateogory. I have noticed that some people grow out of it.