Friday, March 30, 2012


Okay! Fine! I give in! To myself... :D

I'm going to get my phone out of the car.... -_- :)

In case, on the off chance, he texts me. :/

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Trust me, I love to make you happy.
But next time you call me (or I call you, as the case may be), I am talking a whole lot less. I like to hear your voice too...
And otherwise..I don't mind, except that the more I talk the more I say things that I regret.
When I regret things that I say, they never leave my mind forever. I always end up thinking about them over and over and over and it aches in my chest, even though the other person probably forgot about it there's still the what if they didn't and what if it sticks with them.

That is all.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


And right after I hang up ... "Dream On" by Aerosmith comes on.
His favorite song...
I love my life. It fits together so perfectly. :))
Dream on...dream on...dream on...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


Ohh, but a laugh.
As precious as a flower.
'Tis not what's in a name.
'Tis what is in a laugh with an open hand beside it.


I wish.... I want to be there to hear the sigh.
Feel it fill up within your chest
And hear it rush out your nostrils
As it does through mine.
and to see it in your eyes.
That would be beautiful.
A beautiful moment.


Huh. I forgot what I was going to say. I need to stop watching TV. It's Tuesday. ...


I've been writing in my horse book.
At least ... I was last night. My iPad died.


One of the best ways to fall asleep is waiting for someone you really care about to text you back, knowing that they're there and it's coming any second now. What a content slumber.
You fall asleep. Since you're asleep, you lose track of time. Since you lose track of time, you don't realize it's been hours since you received the text message. Or maybe you subconsciously know that you received the text message but you were too tired to wake up to it. So you're happy.
And then when you DO wake up, you find the text. And you feel bad for falling asleep ... Except for the fact that it was so late in the first place. But you don't feel bad for too long because then you realize all of this and you realize that you really missed him.
But even though you missed him you're okay.

It was okay.

And now! As you listen to that song you think of everything you've dared TO MOVE through in this past however long it's been. And it makes you so happy.
So you just gotta tell yourself to keep daring TO MOVE.

Because it's going to be okay.

You're going to miss, love, lose, share, and wonder about people, and it's all going to be okay. I promise.

Wow. When you sleep...years can pass by. But you wake up and you're right there 'where you fell'.
'Salvation is here'.

Off to eat bacon now. <3Kitty
I'm still daring you to move. Lift yourself up off that floor, babe. And live your life..if nothing else ... For me. Because I can't [live your life].

Monday, March 19, 2012

#181's kind of depressing. But it's okay. I'll live.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


I have this dream world in Harry Potter...books and movies...where I am within the story. I figured my life out and everything.

Sirius...Tonks...Moody...Kingsley...the way they appear like that is perfect.
Oh no oh no oh mo he's ..died. NOOOOO DANGIT DANGIT NOOOOOO


And there I would be at this very moment, with Harry. I run after him as he runs after Bellatrix as she laughs and he tries the Cruciatus Curse on her. Ohhh Voldy. And I am there as well.


DUMBLYDOOOORREEE!!!! No he won't be dead you idiot.

This is getting on the verge of randomness. Just letting you inside my mind, dears.

Monday, March 12, 2012


No, silly boy, I can go my whole life without having suicidal thoughts. I know it's a huge norm for a huge percentage of the world's population but I, although I am not sure you would completely understand this, have my faith. I have my God. I have my religion.
Suicide, like cutting, is not an option for me.
To be depressed, to have feelings, no matter how extreme is indeed an option.

No, I've never had suicidal thoughts. I've thought about suicide and people who commit it and ways people commit suicide because I've read so many books where the characters considered suicide or got extremely close and I've watched so many movies where the characters are troubled in thar sense.

But, no, I've never thought suicidally about myself. I've wondered, yes, I've wondered how anyone could possibly bring themselves to kill themselves. I feel like if I did that I would immediately regret it and then it'd be too late.

And even now, as I talk about it, I am being serious--yes-- but I am neither scared nor leaning towards depression. Suicide is much too far outside of my realms.

I am too afraid of death to ever commit such a thing. Plus, it is too far wedged into my mind that suicide is a cowardly act committed by people who cannot deal with their life and are not brave or strong enough to move forward in this life. ... This does not mean that I believe I am superior to people who commit suicide. This does not mean people who commit suicide are completely weak; they are not. They just had that one weakness and it so happened to lead to their death.


I know you don't believe in God, but I do.

You know this girl, right here, sitting in her house, thinking of you as she so often does, right? You know me, I am your peer and I am one of your loyal friends who will miss you SOOOO MUCH when you move next year.
I listen to you, I see the good in you when others don't, and I make you smile as you make me smile.

But enough about you. You know me. You know my smile and my laugh that you at least catch a glimpse of every day?
You know that CRAZY CRAZY atleastslightlyhyper girl? You know me.
You know how I seem to usually be in a good mood and my bad ones usually don't last that long?

That wouldn't be me if I didn't have my faith.
My faith shines through with every waking moment. Every positive thing I do. Every positive thing I say. Every time I ask for a hug or let you give me one.
That, right there, is my faith shining through.

The reason I'm explaining this is because I don't think you would believe me if I just simply told you that I don't have suicidal thoughts.
I don't know that this would help, but it's okay because we're not actually discussing this. You two moved on before I finished what I wanted to say. I feel like people do that a lot to me, but it's okay because I have other people who will listen to what I have to say when you won't.

So it's okay. We don't have to argue. I win because I am stating my piece and I don't have to worry about you arguing with me because you're not here AND BONUS you don't even know this exists.

But you don't lose, because that'd be unfair. This isn't a win or lose situation. This is a me explaining what I think one people may not understand about me.

My whole life is dictated by my faith. When I lose my faith, I become depressed. I've never lost it completely, though.

If I didn't have my faith, you wouldn't see me skipping around the way I do. I wouldn't be in your faces bugging you and teasing you and letting you know how much I care. I sincerely believe i would keep to myself an enormous amount.

I do all these things because I believe in this God.

Sometimes, yeah, I stray away from what's right, but I always come back. I wouldn't ever come back if I didn't have any faith.

And because I have faith in God, I have faith in you and you and you and you and all of you: even though you're crazy, even though you're hyper, even though you there told my secrets I still have faith in you.
I think I try to have at least a smidgen of faith in everybody.
And maybe they'll have a smidgen of faith in me?

Everything I do is in the name of the Lord, but not everything I do speaks well for Him. No, I'm not perfect. No, I don't always do the right thing but I try really hard. No, I don't try hard enough. I can always try harder. Anyone can always try harder at anything.

I really must go to bed now though.

No, I don't have suicidal thoughts.
No, I've never had suicidal thoughts.
Yes, I believe there is a great chance I will go my whole life without suicidal thoughts.
Yes, it's all because of my faith.

I was once in a state of depression. I give the credit of my release from that state to my peers, friends, and family for keeping on moving and To the world for keeping on moving on around me. I sincerely believe that current pulled me back into happiness.

But that current was made by the Lord, or so I believe. I believe those people, those peers, those teachers, my family, this world was made by God and therefore, he pulled me out.

You all who were there, you pulled me out. God pulled me out through you.

I must go now. Good night. <3

Sunday, March 11, 2012


Right now, I just want everything here right now to go away. and maybe some things that aren't here.

...except for this song. this song is good. it can stay..


Okay, so maybe I am going to bed peeved at them for talking in Chinese when I don't understand Chinese, but you get the gist.


I love my friends. No matter what, I love my friends even if I get annoyed with them sometimes.

I know I say that a lot. But if something happened to me tonight or something, I just don't want my friends to think that even if I seem a little annoyed that I went to sleep pissed at them. I didn't. I won't.

Saturday, March 10, 2012


Last night, I was lonely. Tonight, I'm not really lonely and I wasn't even before I started talking to people on Facebook. I still miss my awful whole lot...but I'm not lonely.

Friday, March 9, 2012


I feel like I'm being judged because of how I treat my guy friends and that this person thinks I'm taking advantage of my boyfriend not being with me every day.

This distresses me.
I don't want.... I don't want anyone to feel that way.
I love my friends. I think I'm just over exaggerating.
And now I think that he'll see this and be slightly suspicious.
I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, this person just seems slightly judgmental.
I'm scared.

And not just about that.
I'm scared for my friends.

I have to take a bath but I really don't want to.
I feel dirty.

I am dirty. I ran barefoot in mud and didn't take a bath last night. I have to take one now.

I just want to curl up.

I'm scared that he'll get suspicious. I don't want that to happen because he trusts me and I don't think there's any reason at all for him not to trust me.
I think I deserve the trust. Well, deserve makes me sound like I'm all high-and-mighty worthy. I'm not all high-and-mighty worthy.
I'm not always pretty, I can be quite mean and I enjoy it sometimes, I'm a little too loud and obnoxious and I hurt people's feelings. I put off my work and have slacked off in track, making a bad name for myself. I'm late all the time and can never get anything done. I start projects and never finish them. I ignore texts from people even though they care enough to text me just because I feel like it... Just because I don't feel up to texting them back.
I'm really dramatic and I try hard to get people's attention. I feel sorry for myself a lot and play the pity game. I say I'll do things but never do.
And yet...
I still believe he trusts me for good reason.

there's so many other things I can say. But there's only so many ways I can put myself down before I start crying so much that I can't see what I'm doing.

I'm not crying. It's okay. But I'm distressed.
It's annoying because this feeling is going to be gone in the morning and nobody will see it. And then it's going to come back next weekend when I get home. Next Friday when I get home, I'll feel all rotten again and nobody will be here. My family is, sure, but do I want to talk to them? No. I'd just get annoyed. I don't want to call anyone. I just want to be with my friends. I'm never going to get to talk to Bisael and I'm never going to see my boyfriend.

At least that's how it feels right now. And it's not your fault so don't ever think that! It's not! For you at school, we have completely opposite schedules. For you not at school, we live on completely opposite sides of town and pretty much have our own lives. That's not to say we can't be in each others lives because we can and we are and I would love for it to stay that way for a long while. I'm just glad that you don't mind putting up with me.
I'm not glad, I'm grateful. I'm overjoyed and grateful. I don't really understand why someone would even bother, but that's okay. I guess I don't have to understand.


I don't really feel much like explaining myself about the second year of this whole thing. If you want to know, you can just go looking.

I felt pretty distressed actually. And I don't want any responses to me saying that. At least not on here.
Maybe if I don't know you.
But if I do: keep quiet why don't you? At least on the blog.

Or I did feel pretty distressed. I drew and although it wasn't good it made me feel slightly better. I only do well at art when I'm in a class. It's kind of annoying. I just don't enough tools or instruction to do well otherwise. It sucks.

So screw filming tomorrow. Or at least me being a part of it. Too bad I suppose. Mom says better safe than sorry and I guess mommas know best.

But whatever. Not like it matters anyways.
You will be gone next year and it won't even matter.

Thursday, March 8, 2012


Wow. Okay, so I'm going with that I have posted 169 posts from the very beginning.
Obviously, I have not posted every day but I often (as you may know) post more than once a day. Okay... 365 x 2 =...730 days... That means one post every (about) 4.32 days.

Wow. Okay.

I'm gonna follow myself throughout the past two years. ...
Let's go for a ride, guys. ...

Year One. Post One:


Where do I belong?

Do I belong no where?


Can anyone tell me?


I have to find it myself, don't I?

Gee thanks world...

Gee thanks...

Soo... I was pretty much lost. I had just come out of a break up and it was my first ever too. I really liked him! I really, truly did! I loved him. But it didn't work out and you know, it's for the better really. Most things are. And other than that, I was just depressed. A lot of things happened that year that weren't very good and were actually quite life-changing. My dad went to rehab for the first time the previous spring (I know, I know, I've gone through this before soooo much... But some of you haven't been here that long), a good friend of mine would not be coming back to school (and neither would her three brothers) because their dad (who STILL HAS enough freaking money) wouldn't pay for them to go to Webbkinz because it's so expnesive. ..., then my really close friend's mom died (this is a familiar story, right? Riiiight.), and then I broke his heart later in the year after going throu struggles with him and another guy friend (who was the guy that ended up being my boyfriend.), and then it was all happy and then two months later he broke up with me. And SOOO.... I got depressed.
NOO... It's not "I got depressed". It's more like... I BECAME depressed. It just happened. I didn't succumb to it, it happened and I didn't realize anything was so drastically different until a little while in. So, yeah, that's where I was then. I was depressed and looking for answers to questions i didn't have. I was trying to find a place... I was trying to ask questions. I... I don't really know how to explain it. But I will a different day. Just not now because this is already so long... And I have a bio test to study for that I have tomorrow.

Year One. Last Post:


57 minutes left on my computer.
57 posts about my world.
48 minutes now left.
time seems to fly too fast, it's so absurd.
Larry's mother telling me it's so good to see me.
So it must have been God leading me that way.
To pick up the pens, put them back where they belong,
and now I ponder the words that she said.
Because here and now, to now and then, happens every scary second that passes every scary time.
Because soon and when, to when and gone, comes whether you want it to or not.
1 hour, 12 minutes left on my computer.
Only time will tell if we can go all back in time.
1 hour, 10 minutes left on my computer.
Not a very good example of the world, I guess.
Because you can't go back.
You can't change anything.
Accept it Accept it Accept it.
You must.
Or you'll never see the light.
Back to 1 hour, 12 minutes left on my computer.
and now 1 hour, 10 minutes left right afterwards.
It's not right.
It's not fair.
Life doesn't care.
And it can't help it.
'Cause it's time.

--Wow. 2011. It's really really 2011. This will take some getting used to...Even if I don't want to. Because I will. I can't help it. 'Cause it's time.

Okay, so here I wasn't thinking at all about my depression. I had been out of it for... Well over six months. I know this is from January, but that was the last time I posted until the 11th of March. And then I realized around #s 60 and 61 that I had missed the first birthday of my blog. ... I was pretty bummed. But here we are. And I didn't miss it this time, so that's okay.

Here, I was getting used to it being 2011. Now I'm completely used to it being 2012. For the most part anyways ....
And all of these posts were from my laptop...

I'm writing on my iPad right now.

Here, I wasn't talking about my depression or how I felt or anything. I was simply stating facts and my beliefs and talking about and to the general public. This time, I wasn't asking questions. I was giving my word to you. I was being a lot less selfish. Being selfish in the sense I was being isn't necessarily bad, but it's just kinda cool to see how my point of view changed over all that time. It changed a lot over those 365 days. I was now nearing the end of my 8th grade year. We hadn't gone on the DC trip yet.


I will go on to year two tomorrow because I need to study for my bio test. I love this place with all of my heart and am forever grateful to it.

Yeah, that's right, I'm not thanking you, the reader. I'm thanking this PLACE this time.

Thank you, this place. You ARE THE BEST THERAPIST.


Ohh .. Well, I was two minutes off. But, hey, it was worth a shot.

Today is also International Women's Day. Can I get a WOOT WOOT??

Yeah, that's right. That's what I like to hear.

I'm sorry I get so cranky, friends. I really am. (And I really do get cranky! But especially when I get home...)



A super duper happy birthday to this blog.

Which was created exactly two years ago to this day and (woahemgee) exactly to this time except, like, two minutes ago. No wait oh, right now? Yes! Awesome!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012




Soooo... Today for track..

I bummed socks off of The Great Hot Goddess
I bummed a watch off of Holmes. (he verrryyy reluctantly gave me his watch. I PROMISE I WON'T LOSE IT. I'VE GONE THIS FAR WITHOUT LOSING IT YOU'LL GET IT TOMORROW OH YOU WILL)

...ahh...I love my friends.

I'm so glad they let me bum things off of them.

And maybe this will help me redeem myself for slapping Holmes. He will never let me forget it.. DARN YOU CHAPPERS. If only I hadn't slapped you first.

...(anyways, I feel better now. I'm ready to finish some of my homework and go to bed! Woo!)

And the BrBratz twins, Lane"Bryant" and My-Awesome-Singing-Friend. Amazing people. Oh and I also saw LeeLee's bruthah, NateTheGreat... and I TOTALLY resisted the urge to poke his head. I did it, guys. I kept myself from poking his head. .... But only because he was talking to a girl and I have a slightly strict policy on mostly not poking his head when he's talking to a girl. :))

See ya! <3

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


Just realized I still can't find my laptop.
I have lost it in my own house.



Wrong "you're", JFlick.

[sorry of you ever come on here and see that. It was just kinda spontaneous and it doesn't matter, but, hey, this is better than me emailing it to you.][but I wouldn't email it to you anyways. My blog just needed a little comic relief for a second. You = perfect guy for comic relief of any kind...mostly/usually/a lot of the time.]


Oh dear Lord. So help me, God.




Ooooohhh guess whaaat??? There's a special birthday a'coming in TWO DAYS!
I am NOT missing it this year.
It'll be the two year anniversary of when I first started writing on here! Can you believe it? I can't hardly believe it... Wow. That's an amazing feeling that two years of my life have been recorded here. I love it. I love this. I love you! Thank you so much for being on here with me and traversing and traveling through my mind with me.... But, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I love you all! Tune in on the 8th! And happy birthday to Rukkyie :)
(sorry, Rukkyie, it was a totally spontaneous nicknaming. 5 seconds flat.)
Which means that it's my half-birthday! Yaaayyy! But I'm not ready to be sixteen so it's good it's just my half-birthday. Fantastic. I love being fifteen. Fifteen forever (as in sixth more months), baby.


Sometimes by the time the end of the day rolls around, I become so annoyed with all my friends around me. They're too loud, they're too huggy, they're too THERE. Not all the time, mind you, but sometimes it all becomes too much and I just feel this constant annoyance with mostly all of you.

Now, that doesn't mean you should stop talking to me at the end of the day or even when I look annoyed if you wouldn't have before. All it means is this is how I feel, but you probably shouldn't change anything that you do. You probably shouldn't change because I still remember that my friends are there for me and only mean the best even when I'm down and out and mad. Even when I don't act the absolute kindest towards them, in the end, they're always there for me, and that's one thing I always remember because of it.

Monday, March 5, 2012


I swear, the scariest place to be is in my mind. I wouldn't ever want anyone to have to be in my mind at the scariest moments.
There have been two times that I have panic attacks because my mind has made up something that I've done.

One was a while ago and reoccured twice. The other happened just over the last weekend. I think I woke up Saturday and felt like this. Yeah, it was Saturday.

1. The first time this happened, I woke up and realized that I had done something horribly wrong in my dream. I knew it has been a dream and that I was awake now and okay, but the utter rawness of being alone in my bed with only my pillows and my mind to distract me allowed me to be competely consumed by what I had done. I had allowed for thousands upon thousands of people to die for a cause. I had not killed them myself but I had relayed or made the order that sentenced them to death, knowing full well, that they were going to die because of what I was going to do. Thousands upon thousands of innocent people died on my watch, and I didn't even do anything about. I didn't even really care tha much. Even when I woke up, I was so scared. I was mortified. I wasn't even mortified; I was more like traumatized. I couldn't grasp the fact that I wouldn't actually do that in real life, I could only comprehend the fact that I had willingly killed thousands upon thousands of people. I couldn't move from my bed and I couldn't get it out of my head that I had killed all these people. I kept asking myself, "How could you do that? Why would you kill all those people?" I was scared of myself, and that's an understatement. I was traumatized by myself. Being scared of oneself could easily be the worst feeling in the world because you can't get away from yourself no matter what you do. I mean, I guess you could kill yourself, but that wouldn't fix the problem because you'd just be dead. If my situation was in a movie, I would have woken up screaming or in a cold sweat. And the sweat and/or screaming wouldn't have stopped for what I bet was about 15 minutes. I'm serious. It felt like an hour or more, but fifteen minutes is a lot anyways. Fifteen minutes is a fricking long time to be laying in bed, trying to shut yourself out by closing your eyes and taking deep breaths. I don't remember how I calmed down. I was scared out of my mind but it was all in my mind. I knew it was all in my mind! And that seemed to scare me even more! I don't really understand what was happening to me. This reoccured, like I said, two more times. And then recently (as in over last weekend recently), I had another panic attack with the same feelings only it was based more towards my religious instead of flat-out, generalized moral beliefs.

I don't want anyone to ever have to feel the way I did. I was tossing and turning and couldn't go back to sleep no matter how hard I tried. I was afraid I would kill more people anyways, so I guess it didn't matter that I didn't go back to sleep for a while. But it DID matter!

I couldn't go to sleep and I couldn't stay awake. I even tried getting up and walking around my room. Oh, how I begged for the sun to come out as soon as possible. The darkness consumed me like my mind. It squeezed itself through and past my eardrums, behind my eyes, and covered my mouth and nose. I couldn't breathe easily.

I heard somewhere recently that when one has a panic attack, the first thing you/your body thinks is that you're dying.
I guess ... I guess that's how I felt during this. That could be a way to explain or describe it. But it wasn't so much that I was dying because of physical pain (but I don't think that's what the person meant anyways). I was more dying because I was going out of my mind.
I'd almost rather die of physical pain, at least you know what's going on.