#221

...
but...
I will always have God so it won't just be me.
That's the only way I can at least kind of figure out how I have a sparkle and a soul.
Someone great and big put it there.
And who's the greatest and biggest? God is.
I don't see how else this could have happened to and within me.
This is no accident. Accidents don't feel so strongly. Maybe nothing is accident; however, you'd have a hard time convincing me of that.

*SKY*
*YOU'RE NOT ALONE*

#219

Tomorrow... I will be going to many doctor's appointments. One for a physical in the early morning, one at the orthodontist, one with my therapist, and onnee with a person to get meds to help with my picking?? I guess that's the place mom is having me go to get meds for my anxiety issues. I, personally, didn't think any anxiety that I have is THAT bad and the thought of having to take medicine for it is just making me MORE anxious than I was before!
Picking my skin is NOT JUST BECAUSE OF ANXIETY. IT IS A HABIT.

UGH.

GETTING MEDS FOR ANXIETY IS NOT GOING TO NECESSARILY KEEP ME FROM PICKING MY SKIN.

My goal was to stop picking.
My goal was not to brainwash my brain to keep myself from picking by the course of drugs.

I don't want to have to use external measures forced down my own throat to quit a habit that I could quit by myself.

I guess I just don't want to be dependent on a substance.
I really, really, really, don't want to be dependent on a substance.

#204

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want..."

Shit! I'm supposed to be at Chamber Singers practice.

"He maketh me lie down in green pastures..."

I can't believe I forgot!

"He leadeth me besideth still waters.."

It started a whole freaking hour ago.

"He restoreth my soul..."

I hope they don't get mad at me.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."

Okay, I'm not worried about the teachers. But what if I get in trouble with my student leader?

"I will fear no evil..."

That would be an awful way to start out the year. I can't believe I forgot. I'm so stupid.

"For thou art with me..."

But maybe they'll cut me some slack since its only my first practice.

"Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..."

And I'm only a freshman.

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies..."

Oh, but the best conversations with a friend are the ones during which you tell your most personal ways of being. And the ones you can't figure out by yourself, you figure out together.

"Thou anointest my head with oil..."

Because the best thing I want for you is for you to be truly happy and truly you.

"My cup overfloweth..."

However, do remember that you can never do anything to be any more you.

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me..."

I have to tell you that tomorrow.

"All the days of my life..."

I guess I don't have to, but I want to some day soon.

"And I will live in the house of the Lord forever."

And we'll all be okay, you know.

#202

Dear God,

Please protect Puppy. I see that she is gone. I regret! I regret so much that we didn't go ahead and find her a home because at least then I'd see her again! I am so disappointed in myself! I wish she had stayed. I still have a little hope that she will come back or that she's not really gone, but I bet she followed the air-conditioner-fixer guy out of the gate and down the road and I bet he didn't see her.

I ask, please! Please don't let her get run over or starve in the woods!
I love Puppy! And I'm going to miss her.

If we had given her away... I at least would have known that she was in good hands and being treated well.

Her food and water bowls are still on the porch and the door is open so it's as if she was never there. The sun is setting and she is gone and we have no idea where she is. And now I'm scared. I'm scared and sad and angry.
I think I will take my anger out on my drawing/painting of my pig head, the Lord of the Flies, for the Lord of the Flies project for English since it's supposed to be so gruesome and dark anyways.
I wish I had taken more pictures of her. I regret not giving her another bath.

I regret not being able to sit outside with her again. I regret not being able to take the time to let her lick me all over and cover me in that slightly gross, but comforting layer of saliva and even let her lick me in the mouth. When she licks me in the mouth is disgusting...but it's also pretty funny and kinda cute.

I really miss her! And I won't be okay about it for a while I think. But maybe I'll eventually come to accept it. Until then, please hear my prayer, God. I know you will. I just hope she comes back.

Love,
Kitty.

Dear Puppy,
I miss you! I hope you are okay! I hope so much that someone found you who can take better care of you than we could! I really hope that you weren't run over or that you're lost in the woods!
I really do love you. And I know you love me too. I miss you now!
You were so good... You know... For being an untrained puppy and all.

I'm going to miss you a lot! I think Hook will get old again. You were like his fountain of youth, but, I mean, he is an old dog. Maybe one day I will find you. I think I'll eventually see you again. I do believe Heaven will have you in it.

Until I see you when I see you or until I withhold this strong grip on the desire to write you again, take care of yourself and stay safe, okay?
I love you, you adorable, wonderful little puppy. And I also regret not seeing you grow.

Love love love,
Kelsey

#197

Ohhh nooooo here comes the bombshell. GRAWL.

DEAR GOD,
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME SO PRETTY AND NICE AND SMART??? I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE!!!

GAAAAHHHHH.