Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Sometimes... I think that boys are just clueless and there's absolutely no cure or explanation for it...



please don't.


I'm really worried about Saturday.

I'm really worried about my friends. Certain ones. Who seem to care an awful lot about me.

What if they're hurt when they see me with him there a lot?
...like, I don't even know how to bring it up with him.

Maybe I'll be lucky and he'll come on here and see this.

(Yeah guys! Actually I think I only have girls following this but that's okay I meant it generally! I actually have somebody else coming on...occasionally. But occasionally is just as cool. I don't think anyone else besides me comes on an almost daily basis)

But even if he did I'd be reeaaallllyyy embarrassed.
Or please do.

Judging is okay sometimes, actually.
True feelings and stuff.
Or if you're ignorant, it might not show viable true feelings and stuff.
But I guess it would still show true feelings and stuff.

But you could also be naive and it wouldn't be as bad.
But I guess. .... Being ignorant about something like that isn't too awful in the first place.

It's just who you are. One cannot help such a thing. Why would you want to change anyways? Why would you want to help yourself not be you? You wouldn't be helping yourself...then you'd just be wasting time. Because you are you are you are you and that's a fact. No changing it. You can be you trying to be someone else, but you are always still you.

......I love that fact of life. :))


When I see you put yourself out there, I'm almost 100% sure that you mean what you say.
I have put myself out there, in front of you, as you have seen.

...But, somehow, I feel I am more wary of putting myself out there.

YOU aren't a lifeline. I can feel that you can be one sometimes. You can be like one. But you ARE NOT ONE. You are a person with feelings and fears.
A person that I care about a lot, I'll even admit it on here.

Why more wary of putting myself out there in front of you and directed towards you? It's because I ...
It's because it's not official. Anything about or between you and I.
And I don't want to be in a situation where you could possibly turn around and disappear and not be as inclined to say why or how, because it wasn't official in the first place.

I can tell anyone that I care about them.

It's not that I don't trust in you.
Believe me, I do.
But I am a realist after all. Even if being a dreamer comes first, even if being a fighter and a lover and a friendlier all come first.... I can still be realistic. And I am.

But a realist is not all of who I am.
I am just me.
Kitty. Ana. Kelsey.

And this is how I feel.

Monday, January 30, 2012


Magpie again! Number 102!

(there's a link on the post of my other blog to the picture of the magpie HERE)

Immensely oblivious to that which surrounds.
Except for overwhelming feelings of
hatred, but not so harsh
depression, but not so deep
happiness, but not so joyful
and calamity, but not so calm.
Rancor of sounds and noises
Rancor of colors and sights
Rancor of listeners and talkers
Rancor of claims of "love at first sight"
In a sort of a "I'm a vampire; I bite"
Sort of way.
Full of greed.






Sunday, January 29, 2012


My heart hurts,,,
And so does my tummy...
And I just really miss you.


Truth is....

...there's only so long I can play pretend that you're here and still be even slightly okay that you're not.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


LOL 126 for 1/26

... :)))

I haven't listened to this song in so loonng....

Like...all year. ^_^. It totally fits my mood. I haven't listened to any of the music on my iPad all year lol.

Playlist of the night. A repeat from sometime before probably lol::

Blessed Be Your Name by someone...
Bluebird by Christina Perri
Breathe In, Breathe Out by Mat Kearney


I've been okay with it. And I've been accepting of it. But here we go again. There it went again. I just broke another friend's heart. I can't quite believe it as I listen to this song.


You were the first dear friend I called dear-friend on here!
That's for a reason! I care about you so much! And I would miss you.



I'm so sorry. I'm so so so so so sorry. I'm so so sos SOS so so so so so so so so so so so sorry!
You trusted me and I let you down.
I hope you will forgive me. I hope we won't grow detached as much as it seems the last one turned out.

I can't quite believe that I've done this again.
I need to wallow in this for a little... I feel... I fell... I feel.. to perfectly and wholely appreciate it.

*Bluebird by Christina Perri*
*with sirens fading in the background*

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How does it do that?
How could I expect you to do that.
How could I expect you to know...
How to teach itself to start ... Beating again?

I know you might have been through something like this before. But that doesn't mean you know. That doesn't mean I would know. Or that anybody else would know.

This little bluebird... Came looking for you. I said that I hadn't seen you in quite some time. But I don't want this to happen.
This little bluebird... She came looking again. Please don't let us ever not be friends. But of course there'd be no reason for me to say she couldn't have you. Don't tell her she can't have you because your heart is set on someone else who won't love you back or can't love you back when you know that deep down inside of you, this bluebird is much better for you than that girl.

Don't you know that I know it was hard?
It was for me.
I know that a part of you died.
But it would have been such a lie if I had said yes.
And in the end we would have ALL cried.

I promise you'll find your little bluebird. Or big as the case may be. Or medium.
And she won't give it a rest. About you. She'll adore you and love you more than any other girl (except your momma) before her.
And for her, you'll be better than all the rest.
And for you, she'll be better than all the rest.
But you being for me as of now? No, no, you've got it all wrong. If I was going to be worth your time that way, I wouldn't be rewriting this song.

And don't you know I know it was hard.
I knew it would be for me too.
And I promise it was, even if it didn't seem that way.
I know that a part of you died.
But it would have been such a lie if I said yes.
And in the end, even more of us would have cried.

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How do you tell yourself and your heart that you have to start keeping on moving on and have to start beating again?
Well, I'm pretty sure it's not that simple.

But what if you don't move on?
What if when she comes over I am all you think about?
And you're thinking about me and I'm taking away from all she wants in you.
And what if it happens again?
What if it had happened before?

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How do you frickin' teach yourself to start beating again?

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
Maybe you teach yourself to start beating again because you have to.
You probably do it because you're strong. I know you are strong. You are my friend and I know you are.
You can teach yourself to start beating again.
You will teach yourself to start beating again.
I know you can always, foreve and always, my dear-friend, teach yourself to start beating again.

I believe in you.

And maybe the next little bluebird... Will stop coming around. And not because of me. And not because of you. Just because she beats and moves...
And if you need me, please remember that all you need do is look.
And if I feel that you need a friend, or I need a friend, I know that all I need do is look.

And I'll find you.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


MAGGGPIIEE TIMMEE!!! el numero 100! So cool!

Oh My Gosh.
A breath.
A breath and a next breath underwater.
That's like in my dreams.
In my dreams I can breathe underwater.
I was scared at first, especially the first time.
But then I realized that it was just a dream.
And that I would be kept safe because my Creator would not let me drown.
Even in my own tears,
I would not drown.
Even outside of the dream,
and inside of the real-life, for-real life,
I realized that He would not
He will not
He never shall
let me drown.

Underwater is like my depression was.
What if I am lost forever in this depth of depths of depths?
The sea goes on forever,
but I will not.
But He does.

Why couldn't Adam and Eve just stay in the freaking garden.
Why couldn't they just do what He asked?

isn't it interesting how she's already underwater but it seems like only part of her is wet?

I was really scared when I was depressed.
I was really just numb to it all.
In a pressure that was there all the time.
Depressing. Pressing in on me. Pressure.

Maybe the depressing. pressing in on me. pressure will be gone forever for me now?

I hopes so.

But in my dreams, I can breathe underwater.
And there is no pressure.
Just cool air that I squeeze from the water which surrounds me.
So I suppose there still is pressure?
But only a calm kind. 

It's nice. In my dreams. It's dark. But it's light.
I just remember the dark.
But I just remember the nice.
The nice of being able to actually breathe for once.
Under Pressure.

Goodbye Depression Pressure Pressing In On Me.
Good morning Sunshine, just above the horizon and not e'en there when I wake up.
But I see you.
I see you, I tell you!
I see you in this photograph.
A million hundred thousand miles away
with a million hundred thousand things to say
and a million hundred thousand ways to explain.

And you are there, sunshine. You are always there.



that's awesome :))

Anyhoww...there are sirens... in the not too distant distance.

But I just wanted to say that I REALLY want to put Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton on the playlist at the bottom of de page...

But for some reason playlist.com does NOT have Ordinary Day. by Ms. Carlton... grrr

But it's okay.

I'm gonna take "If I Die Young" off. It's not a right now right now. ^_^
<3 & peaches, dears.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Well... Mom is right. It wasn't Holmes fault that I said what I said or felt like the day was sucky.

I'm sorry I said that.

I really, sincerely am. Now I'm going to go write thank you notes to family and a friend. :))

Sorry, Holmes. And I'm sorry if today was stressful for you too. In any way at all. Even if you didn't notice.


Wellllll.... THAT was an interesting day.

Sancheeto is awesome. Chappers(?) is awesome. LLBNO is awesome. And that first dear-friend I mentioned is awesome too (and strong, lemme tell ya ^_^).



WOW. I can't believe how blessed I am with all of these people.
Guys, I've given ONLY some of you a special shoutout today (there are so many more. But this is today).
But I love you all and I hope you know that. :)))

And girls, yeah, y'all rock too! We just rockin' rockin' rockin'. And there just ain't no stoppin' lol. :D


What happened was:

1st at lunch...well...one of my friends didn't seem very happy and one was acting weird. And I'm not going to say anymore because (a) it's private, (b) I'm not technically supposed to know, (c) just in case somebody I know finds this, (d) I AM SO NOT GETTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS. I'm not even explaining it any more; I had another sentence here but I decided to take it out just in case (I have already said things and hurt people's feelings today and I do NOT WANT this post to bite me in the butt and my relationship with someone later. Love ya!)

2nd I (at least I think this happened second. I was really upset so I can't really remember what happened first but I'm pretty sure. :/) was talking to some people after lunch and I said something and one of my close friends heard me and I think it really hurt his feelings. No. I know it did. And yeah, this was after lunch.

Oh and Ezl0 I hope you feel better. You didn't seem in a mucho happy mood after school either. But of course, I'd get annoyed too if a kindahyper girl was always asking you to carry her books just because she could ;). Sorry about that. ^_^. Maybe I should pay you. You would totally go for that. Maybe then you and Sancheeto would be fighting over who gets to carry my books from my locker to the chairs ... Like not even 30 seconds of walking away. Maybe not even 10 lol.

Okay, who am I kidding, everyone (especially guys?) would gladly be paid to do that. Haha forget I ever said anything because that is SOO NOT happening. <3

*love the way you lie (part II)
*waiting outside the lines
*two worlds collide
*check yes Juliet


Okay well this day officially sucks.

More on that later. :(((

Well. Sancheeto. I will try to not worry about what I say and how it just affected people too badly. It's all Holmes' fault. Argh!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Playlist of the dayze::

Dare You To Move by Switchfoot
The Reason by Hoobastank
Shattered by OAR



Kay, so this guy ... Anyhow... He sent me a text just now saying he was really hungarry. And even though he spelled it wrong so he really might not have been saying Hungary.... This is what I texted back:

Lol maybe you should czech the kitchen.

O. M. G.
DREAM COME TRUE. I always (ever since I found this: An epic conversation- "I am hungary." "Maybe you should czech the fridge." "I'm russian to the kitchen." "Maybe you will find some turkey." "We have some but it is covered in a layer of greece." "Ew, there is norway you can eat that." "I think I'll settle for a can of chile." "That sounds appetizing, I would love a canada chile as well" "Denmark your name on the can." "Are you all China be funny?")

...ohp... There it is. NOOOO HE DIDN'T GET IT!
Ah well, it was so amazing while it lasted.

Monday, January 16, 2012


And she said, "He's like a life line. Oh woah.
Stop the rain for this sunshine. Oh woah.
He always picks me off the ground every time.
Oh, he's like a life line."


Dear Friend,

Dear-friend. Fwiendy fwiend. I'm so lucky to have you, guy friend.

I may need to get out of my habit of dreaming what isn't there. But right now, I have a whole load of faith in you.

I don't think you'll break my heart too soon. I sure hope not.

If you ever see any of this you might think I'm paranoid. I just might be.

Maybe im just scared. I know I am scared. Maybe I'm just and only scared though.

I forgot where I was going with this earlier.

But this is where I went with it now.


But you don't know me by that name.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


These are the averages. What do you think it says?

2010 - one post every 6.4 days (out of 365 days minus whatever came before March 8)

2011 - one post every 7.5 days (out of 365 days)

2012 - One post every 1.6 days (out of 11 days)



Okay. Great.

Now I'm really stressed!

what a great way to feel about your first high school dance, right?

You know that picture of an anime girl right at the top of the page?

Yeah, that's what I look like right now.

Only not crying yet.

Yeah, that's what I look like on the inside right now.

Right this second, I wish I could just go back to middle school where I didn't know all these people. Back to 8th grade. When relationships weren't so complicated and scary.

Maybe I just wish Holmes would come back.
That's one thing, definitely.

But not the majority.


I'm sorry, friend, but you just seem to good to be true.

Which makes me sad that you may hurt my feelings at all because it seems that's the last thing you want to do.

Monday, January 9, 2012


Have you ever seen the sun shining so beautiful, colorful....wonderful?
Have you ever seen the sky so perfectly raining down over you and me?
Have you ever wanted more? Don't you know there's so much mo-ore?
You've got to keep your mind wide open.
All the possibilities.
You've got to live with your eyes open. Believe in what you see...

Tomorrow's horizon. Full of surprises. Don't let your dreams go to waste.
You've got to keep your mind wide open.
All the possibilities.
You've got to live with your eyes open. Believe in what you see.

Have you ever stared at a friend request button on a Facebook page, or a message button or follow on a blog, or a send button on an email, or a send button on a phone-whether it's for texting or a call--, or a post button on a blog and just stared at it like, "I want to reach contact with this person, but I'm still not pressing this button."?

I've found that one can be very confused by that. Such as I.

And here I am, trying to figure that out, exactly.

Am I just afraid of rejection? I guess so. But let's answer yes or no. No in-between. I'll have to choose but that's okay. and this goes for YOU too. Maybe you can use this if you ever feel this way.

Am I afraid of rejection? Yes
Am I afraid of being disappointed? Yes
Am I afraid they won't be who I think they are? Yes

Have you ever been afraid for no reason? I think have. But when it's for "no reason" I think I mean the fear is only in my head.

Because usually, people seem to really like me.
And I suppose it's just all in my head.
Maybe I'll be ready by the end of the week.

But please don't just wait around for someone to text you.

Trust me, it drives you crazy.

So I study. :)
Or something else.


And you wonder...

Could that really be ME again?
Could I really FEEL that way again?

I hoped and I figured it would come back sometime soon, as in the next four years soon.
But I did not know of anyone who it could count for.

And--oh my gosh-- it's just like those teenager posts on tumblr.
Every single one of them.
I can relate.

I have all these flashbacks about things I want to forget.
I mean, seriously, what happened to closure?

And, yeah, they go away, but they often come back.

And, because of those posts, I remember to not regret something if it made me happy. And to not do something if it doesn't make me happy.
Even if it wouldn't make me happy now...

Well, the mind's a funny thing. I'm still the same me that I was back whenever. Although I have changed.

And doesn't it just bring you down when there's a bad mood in your house?
But I must fight it this time.
I don't want to go back into that dirty dirty hole. Where I have been once before.

Im really sad because I'm not going to get to help a super 6th grader tomorrow.


Just a poem I wrote today::

Upon Mouse

How do you know,
when the moon gets this low,
that the day will be simply okay?
Do you pick?
Do you prod?
Through your incompetent nog'?
And decide your decision's all-knowing?
Or do you strain through the strife?
Travel without your night light?
And since you are so mature,
just keep going?
And so then when you stand,
like the other kids do,
but instead see the cold as it's blowing,
do you turn back the time
to an omniscient mind,
thus realizing the tough times must get going?
I feel you mayn't understand,
just the lesson I planned
to come out my vociferous mouth.
But never don't fear,
for your lesson is here
standing upon cheese
upon cheese
upon mouse.

-January 9, 2012. 4:46 pm.


Today has got to be one of those worst days ever.

*shaking fist at sky..not God..at sky*
I better not have another one of those this week!


I was flying last night.

Maybe I need some rehab from people who like me? Lol

Sunday, January 1, 2012


WELCOME TO 2012!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had one of the best New Year's Eves of my ENTIRE LIFE!!!!

Remember that guy from a while ago?? My really good friend that I've known over half my life (since K-grade/5 years old), remember how his mom died? Well... his dad got remarried TONIGHT! With a friend of his he met in college (they were all three friends, actually).

And I had great fun with the guys there. :))

I just don't want to stop dancing and singing!!!!

*Wish You Were Here by Avril Lavigne
*When We Stand Together by Nickelback
*A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

Only 10 minutes left on my computer.


The world may end in December, but even if it does, there is obviously nothing I can do to stop it. Even though I may be scared of death and what happens, I still believe in my God, and if the world ends (which I doubt it will) then I will go with everyone else and I won't be alone. It's going to be okay. And, yeah (ha! I just reminded myself of one of my guyfriends -- I guess Cire), if the world is going to end, we have almost a whole year anyways.

I have a feeling that this will be the party year. Even if you don't think that the world is going to end, it seems as if the party year as started with tonight.

*The One That Got Away by Katy Perry

I love you guys!
And I'll I'll love you forever!

You've kept me going...those who will one day see the video that I'm making as I type this and sing to the radio....and the ones that already read my blog posts. I love you so much. And blogger will always be my favorite blog place. In that sense, it will always be my home. I will always be able to come here, okay? Even if you leave, you will already have been here. And I only have 3 minutes left and I don't have a charger up here but that's okay.

It doesn't diminish that I love you all and I hope that you succeed what you want to be, and what you are meant to be, this year. ASAP. YOu are all beautiful people, even if you just arrived. Maybe some things are only for another life, but I know this blog, and you as the reader, and I as the writer, are part of this life.  & Are party of this life. it is now 1:44 AM. The book, Twisted, by laurie halse anderson is right in front of me. My left foot is about to go asleep. 1 minute left. I must go now. I love you so much.

I'll be back.

Love, Peaches, chicken greases. rock on foozsh. and 3 words and worlds,g irls.