#209

I'm starting to think I am kind of bipolar.

...

That's what I desired least for in the world. All this time. Especially in relation to the situation.

I never wanted him to be right.

I'm getting to thinking, does it matter? Does it really, really matter that much whether he was right or not?

I feel bad. I feel bad about this...that everyone else is moved on and others have moved into my life and I've still not moved on from that.

But I just wonder.
However, it also makes me wonder if the people who have moved in dislike, or are possibly turned off by, my wondering.
However, I wonder if my wondering is driving these people away...whether they realize it or not.

What?! Am I going to have a mental breakdown when I turn 45?
Why do I feel all this pain and not feel sad and not get depressed? And why do I feel it in short bursts?
I want to get psychoanalyzed. I know it sounds crazy but I want to know what's going on in my head.
I'm not depressed. At least, I don't think I am.

Why am I giddily happy one minute and mad the next?
Is it my environment--at least partially?--or is it just completely, wholly me?

What's wrong? And is there anything wrong?

Am I just paranoid?
I might be.

Do I think to much?
Probably.

Am I providing the correct answers for myself?
How the heck should I know?

....that's why I'm asking... D:

#208

She said (and I quote), "I'm starting to wonder what he would do if I got really mad at him? I'm beginning to think that he would just get confused and walk away instead of staying and fighting for me to stay."

#207

AAAHHH. Life is beautiful!

AudLange, Mom, Sherlock, Sir Some Guy, I can't even name names because then I'm going to forget somebody. Or I'm just going to go on to sleep because I need to and don't feel like listing everybody.

So the rest of you can go with that I saved the best for last but never got to the last. ;)

AudLange. ^_^. Yay.

#206

Magpie #117


Picture here.

A meal takes place
An empty space
Sitting in a bowl
Sotting and rotting and ceramically whole.
The fruit lays just behind.
Out of reach, not out of mind, for those who care to dare to sit
At this meal
And then,
Comes the decision
"the sun goes down
the stars go out"
Reach for the fruit, unforbidden,
Though still daunting
Simply, inexplicably because there's a choice
And there never was one before,
Just maybe,
Our "universe will never be the same"
Or we could just leave and wait
Wait
For someone to decide instead
Or to place it within a reaching point.

Magpie Tales

#205

And by the way... Puppy came back. As did Hook although you never knew he was gone.

I never told you.

Unless you have Facebook... And are my friend on Facebook...

I must go before this gets too close to randomness!

I'm glad you came.. :)

#204

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want..."

Shit! I'm supposed to be at Chamber Singers practice.

"He maketh me lie down in green pastures..."

I can't believe I forgot!

"He leadeth me besideth still waters.."

It started a whole freaking hour ago.

"He restoreth my soul..."

I hope they don't get mad at me.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."

Okay, I'm not worried about the teachers. But what if I get in trouble with my student leader?

"I will fear no evil..."

That would be an awful way to start out the year. I can't believe I forgot. I'm so stupid.

"For thou art with me..."

But maybe they'll cut me some slack since its only my first practice.

"Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..."

And I'm only a freshman.

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies..."

Oh, but the best conversations with a friend are the ones during which you tell your most personal ways of being. And the ones you can't figure out by yourself, you figure out together.

"Thou anointest my head with oil..."

Because the best thing I want for you is for you to be truly happy and truly you.

"My cup overfloweth..."

However, do remember that you can never do anything to be any more you.

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me..."

I have to tell you that tomorrow.

"All the days of my life..."

I guess I don't have to, but I want to some day soon.

"And I will live in the house of the Lord forever."

And we'll all be okay, you know.

#203

I kinda don't want to leave my room now, for fear that Puppy will never again appear to me...

But like I said, I'm going to take this distress out on my painting.

I can feel the artistic, energetic juices flowing already. So i must do my science, get it done in these next ten minutes, pray a little more, and finish that project in the next two hours or so.

Then I will take a bath and dare to keep moving although I will still give myself time to grieve the loss of Puppy.

I guess I don't know for sure if she's really gone or not, but I just have this feeling.

#202

Dear God,

Please protect Puppy. I see that she is gone. I regret! I regret so much that we didn't go ahead and find her a home because at least then I'd see her again! I am so disappointed in myself! I wish she had stayed. I still have a little hope that she will come back or that she's not really gone, but I bet she followed the air-conditioner-fixer guy out of the gate and down the road and I bet he didn't see her.

I ask, please! Please don't let her get run over or starve in the woods!
I love Puppy! And I'm going to miss her.

If we had given her away... I at least would have known that she was in good hands and being treated well.

Her food and water bowls are still on the porch and the door is open so it's as if she was never there. The sun is setting and she is gone and we have no idea where she is. And now I'm scared. I'm scared and sad and angry.
I think I will take my anger out on my drawing/painting of my pig head, the Lord of the Flies, for the Lord of the Flies project for English since it's supposed to be so gruesome and dark anyways.
I wish I had taken more pictures of her. I regret not giving her another bath.

I regret not being able to sit outside with her again. I regret not being able to take the time to let her lick me all over and cover me in that slightly gross, but comforting layer of saliva and even let her lick me in the mouth. When she licks me in the mouth is disgusting...but it's also pretty funny and kinda cute.

I really miss her! And I won't be okay about it for a while I think. But maybe I'll eventually come to accept it. Until then, please hear my prayer, God. I know you will. I just hope she comes back.

Love,
Kitty.

Dear Puppy,
I miss you! I hope you are okay! I hope so much that someone found you who can take better care of you than we could! I really hope that you weren't run over or that you're lost in the woods!
I really do love you. And I know you love me too. I miss you now!
You were so good... You know... For being an untrained puppy and all.

I'm going to miss you a lot! I think Hook will get old again. You were like his fountain of youth, but, I mean, he is an old dog. Maybe one day I will find you. I think I'll eventually see you again. I do believe Heaven will have you in it.

Until I see you when I see you or until I withhold this strong grip on the desire to write you again, take care of yourself and stay safe, okay?
I love you, you adorable, wonderful little puppy. And I also regret not seeing you grow.

Love love love,
Kelsey

#201

I'm leaving my phone downstairs. It doesn't need to be charged. I have no use for it. I hope it dies.

#200

Yeah, so it's like... 2 AM
and it's my 200th post.
And I'm going to bed after this.

Just wondering...where are you?

Aren't you so glad this monumental point in this blog is about you?

Well it is. Even if you aren't glad about it. Which I know you really wouldn't be...especially in this light.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. Just letting you know. Yeah, it sucks right now. I don't really expect to hear from you until school ends or whatever if my theory is right. Sooo have a nice next two weeks. I still love you, don't worry. I feel so dramatic now. But no one is watching. No one is here. So it really doesn't matter.

It's just me.

You know I turned down a dude today. Y'all look slightly similar...in a way, you know, pretty similar for being in the same town and all. Not many people look very much alike. But it's just hair and glasses and skin tone. That's all. He's no you.
I don't think you ever tried to impress me too intensely. But, yeah, anyways.

This doesn't make it better. Or good. Or okay that you're not there.
None of it makes it better or feel better or anything. Not even the good stuff. It's just here. I'm here.

It's just me.

#199

Oh, and by the way...we survived the bombshell. Nice guy. Really nice guy.

Just...STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS ME. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT I LIKE YOU SINCE I LIKED YOU FROM YEARS AGO WHEN WE FIRST MET. OMG. STOP. JUST STOP. I CAN'T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. STOP.

#198

but let's not judge people for their past but believe in them for their future and respect them for their present.

12:21 am April 6 2012

#197

Ohhh nooooo here comes the bombshell. GRAWL.

DEAR GOD,
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME SO PRETTY AND NICE AND SMART??? I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE!!!

GAAAAHHHHH.

#196

there will come a time when all is lost
when there is nothing left worth the risk because you will lose anyways
when you are so outnumbered
when you feel you will die & no one will know and no one will care
and no one will remember
because they wanted you dead in the first place, remember?
because they wanted you gone in the first place, remember?
that you will lose all the ones you love & you can't do anything to stop it
and there will come a time when all hope is lost

---

there will come a time when all hope is lost & you don't have strength to go any farther.
you don't have courage to make it one more step.
and there will come a time when you reach inside yourself & find a hope you never knew was there but was there all long...
just not within your reach.

---

there will come a time when all your strength is gone but a sudden surge or a minuscule flicker of hope takes over
you don't even try
you don't know to try
you don't have to
you can't & that's the point
the deepest part of you takes over like when you fall out of consciousness and your nervous system takes over your respiratory system and makes you breathe.
And there it is.