#223

Magpie #135

Close to breath
Close to touch
Close to in-between
Hardest rock
And breathless night
Cover beneath the seams
Are you there?
Or are you not?
Our eyes darkened like caves
Your black night cave eyes
Spilling out
Down your cheeks
And down your face

I feel like I can grab you
I know it all too well
But then I look again
And think
You're not so there so well.

The shadows cut across you
The lines divide our stride
You are sketched
And I am pink
Against this yellow sky
You blend in
But do not fade
Although you seem to disappear
And I am clothed
But not too well
While I fight to keep you here. 

#222

Look, my mom has told me to give up on you. My friends have told me I don't deserve you.
What am I supposed to do? Make my own decisions, right?
I just want to know if you're even interested anymore.

#221

...
but...
I will always have God so it won't just be me.
That's the only way I can at least kind of figure out how I have a sparkle and a soul.
Someone great and big put it there.
And who's the greatest and biggest? God is.
I don't see how else this could have happened to and within me.
This is no accident. Accidents don't feel so strongly. Maybe nothing is accident; however, you'd have a hard time convincing me of that.

*SKY*
*YOU'RE NOT ALONE*

#220

I don't understand myself.
I look in the mirror and have no idea how as to how the sparkle in my eye got there.
I can't even begin to imagine how my soul works or my mine or my state of being.
When I look at the mirror I see beauty and a brain that seems to be being wasted.
I don't know how to not waste it.
I see a young lady. I feel like a child.
I'm definitely no woman, no, not yet, but I'm not a little kid anymore. That much is officially for sure.
I can't ever see myself. I won't ever see myself. I will only ever see my own reflection.
In a way, that scares me. I feel like I'm going to miss something...not learn something...never understand something about myself when sometimes myself will be the only thing I'll have.
...

#219

Tomorrow... I will be going to many doctor's appointments. One for a physical in the early morning, one at the orthodontist, one with my therapist, and onnee with a person to get meds to help with my picking?? I guess that's the place mom is having me go to get meds for my anxiety issues. I, personally, didn't think any anxiety that I have is THAT bad and the thought of having to take medicine for it is just making me MORE anxious than I was before!
Picking my skin is NOT JUST BECAUSE OF ANXIETY. IT IS A HABIT.

UGH.

GETTING MEDS FOR ANXIETY IS NOT GOING TO NECESSARILY KEEP ME FROM PICKING MY SKIN.

My goal was to stop picking.
My goal was not to brainwash my brain to keep myself from picking by the course of drugs.

I don't want to have to use external measures forced down my own throat to quit a habit that I could quit by myself.

I guess I just don't want to be dependent on a substance.
I really, really, really, don't want to be dependent on a substance.

#218

It's so nice to be able to leave someone and not worry about whether they're going to kill themselves or not! *cries*

#217

WHY does my stomach hurt so much? I ate a lot for dinner! And that was only a couple hours ago at the most. I should have gone to bed right after that. Maybe I'll just go eat something. Idk what I'll eat. I just want to go to sleep but it hurts.

I feel sick.

WANTED BY RACHEL DIGGS