#202

Dear God,

Please protect Puppy. I see that she is gone. I regret! I regret so much that we didn't go ahead and find her a home because at least then I'd see her again! I am so disappointed in myself! I wish she had stayed. I still have a little hope that she will come back or that she's not really gone, but I bet she followed the air-conditioner-fixer guy out of the gate and down the road and I bet he didn't see her.

I ask, please! Please don't let her get run over or starve in the woods!
I love Puppy! And I'm going to miss her.

If we had given her away... I at least would have known that she was in good hands and being treated well.

Her food and water bowls are still on the porch and the door is open so it's as if she was never there. The sun is setting and she is gone and we have no idea where she is. And now I'm scared. I'm scared and sad and angry.
I think I will take my anger out on my drawing/painting of my pig head, the Lord of the Flies, for the Lord of the Flies project for English since it's supposed to be so gruesome and dark anyways.
I wish I had taken more pictures of her. I regret not giving her another bath.

I regret not being able to sit outside with her again. I regret not being able to take the time to let her lick me all over and cover me in that slightly gross, but comforting layer of saliva and even let her lick me in the mouth. When she licks me in the mouth is disgusting...but it's also pretty funny and kinda cute.

I really miss her! And I won't be okay about it for a while I think. But maybe I'll eventually come to accept it. Until then, please hear my prayer, God. I know you will. I just hope she comes back.

Love,
Kitty.

Dear Puppy,
I miss you! I hope you are okay! I hope so much that someone found you who can take better care of you than we could! I really hope that you weren't run over or that you're lost in the woods!
I really do love you. And I know you love me too. I miss you now!
You were so good... You know... For being an untrained puppy and all.

I'm going to miss you a lot! I think Hook will get old again. You were like his fountain of youth, but, I mean, he is an old dog. Maybe one day I will find you. I think I'll eventually see you again. I do believe Heaven will have you in it.

Until I see you when I see you or until I withhold this strong grip on the desire to write you again, take care of yourself and stay safe, okay?
I love you, you adorable, wonderful little puppy. And I also regret not seeing you grow.

Love love love,
Kelsey

#201

I'm leaving my phone downstairs. It doesn't need to be charged. I have no use for it. I hope it dies.

#200

Yeah, so it's like... 2 AM
and it's my 200th post.
And I'm going to bed after this.

Just wondering...where are you?

Aren't you so glad this monumental point in this blog is about you?

Well it is. Even if you aren't glad about it. Which I know you really wouldn't be...especially in this light.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. Just letting you know. Yeah, it sucks right now. I don't really expect to hear from you until school ends or whatever if my theory is right. Sooo have a nice next two weeks. I still love you, don't worry. I feel so dramatic now. But no one is watching. No one is here. So it really doesn't matter.

It's just me.

You know I turned down a dude today. Y'all look slightly similar...in a way, you know, pretty similar for being in the same town and all. Not many people look very much alike. But it's just hair and glasses and skin tone. That's all. He's no you.
I don't think you ever tried to impress me too intensely. But, yeah, anyways.

This doesn't make it better. Or good. Or okay that you're not there.
None of it makes it better or feel better or anything. Not even the good stuff. It's just here. I'm here.

It's just me.

#199

Oh, and by the way...we survived the bombshell. Nice guy. Really nice guy.

Just...STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS ME. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT I LIKE YOU SINCE I LIKED YOU FROM YEARS AGO WHEN WE FIRST MET. OMG. STOP. JUST STOP. I CAN'T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. STOP.

#198

but let's not judge people for their past but believe in them for their future and respect them for their present.

12:21 am April 6 2012

#197

Ohhh nooooo here comes the bombshell. GRAWL.

DEAR GOD,
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME SO PRETTY AND NICE AND SMART??? I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE!!!

GAAAAHHHHH.

#196

there will come a time when all is lost
when there is nothing left worth the risk because you will lose anyways
when you are so outnumbered
when you feel you will die & no one will know and no one will care
and no one will remember
because they wanted you dead in the first place, remember?
because they wanted you gone in the first place, remember?
that you will lose all the ones you love & you can't do anything to stop it
and there will come a time when all hope is lost

---

there will come a time when all hope is lost & you don't have strength to go any farther.
you don't have courage to make it one more step.
and there will come a time when you reach inside yourself & find a hope you never knew was there but was there all long...
just not within your reach.

---

there will come a time when all your strength is gone but a sudden surge or a minuscule flicker of hope takes over
you don't even try
you don't know to try
you don't have to
you can't & that's the point
the deepest part of you takes over like when you fall out of consciousness and your nervous system takes over your respiratory system and makes you breathe.
And there it is.