Thursday, July 21, 2011


There's a sort of a storm here. It's not really a storm...and there aren't really clouds. I guess it's just a lot of wind. Like a wind storm. It's here. I was practicing mindful walking for homework from my counselor, and the waves were so choppy outside that it distracted me. So I stopped, like I'm supposed to, I stopped walking, and I noticed how choppy the waves were. Those choppy waves are inside of me. And those choppy waves are still out there. The stronger wind comes and goes, and when it comes, it bangs the high bushes outside my window behind my desk against the window. Whack. Whack. Whack. whissssp. whissssp. That's inside of me, too.

The stronger wind is back. Although I am calmer inside. You can't see the wind. But you can see how the wind affects everything.

You can see how the wind affects the water. You can see how the wind affects the bushes. How the wind affects the trees. How the wind affects the leaves. How the wind affects the grass. How the wind afftects the flag. How the wind affects the flowers.

YOU can't see the wind inside of me. I can't see the wind inside of me. I can see how it affects me, though. And you can too, if you look close enough.

And a bird just flew overhead. It was very pretty. Like a seagull. It's funny how seagulls live around here. We're not anywhere near the sea. Maybe we were wrong...maybe they're not just seagulls.

What is the wind inside of me like? Where did it come from? What is it affecting?? Mostly it's calm.

and the birds are singing now.

Mostly it's calm. Mostly it's easy. Mostly it's not a hard wind. Mostly I don't feel the wind at all. But then a bigger wave comes. And then a bigger gust comes. And it makes me wonder if I should have picked more honors classes for this year. Am I making a mistake? Will this go against me when I go to college? Why am I even thinking about college????!!!! 

the wind starts whistling around the outside of the house. or is it internal? is it the air conditioning?

And I wonder if I should really be doing soccer. And I wonder how the heck am I going to do cross country, soccer, track, AND swimming?? I don't want to do swimming, Coach! I DON'T! And that's that. Look, I have to get this wind out of me because it's messing up with my zen, if you will. It's breaking up into a sort of calamity, not calm-ity, and it's not going to help me this year. My question was NOT should I swim for my school this year or not? My question was: "Can I come to the meetings you might have even if I'm NOT on the swim team at school?" And you STARE at me, like "Who do you think you are? What did you just say? You're NOT going to swim for your school??" And this little part in me that has already imagined a heated conversation/argument with you said somewhere in the back of my head, "NO." "NO., I am NOOOT going to do it. You know why?? Because I still want to be a kid. Because my kid days for lounging around and playing video games and going on the internet seem pretty much over. Because when you hand that signature in for your driver's license--when you get it--you're pretty much giving away part of your innocence, part of your kid-self, or that's what I think is going to happen. When you step into highschool, you're not just a little kid anymore. Academics and sports last throughout the year, even the summer, and if you don't have enough money to go on vacation, you can forget about ever getting a break. So you know what? I just want to give myself a well-deserved break from sports.

and guess what?? tears start forming behind my eyes.

and guess what?? my nose starts stinging.

And guess FRICKIN' WHAT?!?!? NO!!! I. DO. NOT. WANT TO DO. SWIM. TEAM. AT. SCHOOL. I AM NOT DOING IT!!!. I know, I know I know, I'll meet more people. But, geez, I'll be running. And, geez, I'll be robotic-ing (hopefully). And, geez, I'll be playing soccer. And, geez, I'll be WOWing. And, geez, I'll have my sports done for my whole 4 years of high school! But does that mean I'm not going to do sports the next three years? NO. It. does. not. I will do sports all the way through high school. Swimming and running are things that you can do forever. For the rest of your life. This is what I'm doing. This is why I'm doing it. And I know starting soccer will be hard for me. I'm worried about how I'll fit in on the soccer team, you know. I'm really, really worried about it. But I'm going to do it anyways. I've GOT to do it anyways.

....later...this is later much later that I type this. Just saying. I'm going to just go ahead and publish this even though I wasn't "done". It's been sitting here for hours, so it might as well be shared before hours become days. Just wondering about all these things. And now it's calm outside.

all is still.

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