#229

Wow. It's been over a month since I broke up with my boyfriend.
Wow.
It feels kind of like longer.

#228

Goodbye, Sir Some Guy.
Thanks for everything.
I grew and learned so much because of you.
Somehow, I think you might have a greater place in my heart of memories than the last guy. Not that he's much competition, but, hey.

Thank you.
So..
Until we meet again
or
To the death, my friend.

#227

Wow, this is awkward. I don't know what to tell people anymore if they decide to ask if I have a boyfriend or not.

#225

After all this time, there you go.
There you go
you have disappeared
and I am left to wonder
and wander
in this gray haze.
Are you gone for good?
Or are you ever coming back?
Am I supposed to wait on you?
Or am I allowed to move forward with my life?

Sir Some Guy, I always loved you. And I still care about you,
But waiting three weeks for you to text or call me back is a bit much.
I would start over for you, but I won't wait forever for you.

If you want to break up, call me. If you don't want to break up, call me. If you don't want to call me, call me. If you're afraid I'll be mad, call me. Just whatever you do, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL ME FOR GOODNESS' SAKE LOOK ME UP IN THE PHONEBOOK OR SOMETHING TALK TO YOUR PARENTS IF YOU'RE GROUNDED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE AND SO I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO YOU AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
I HAVE BEEN MAD AT YOU.
BUT I AM SO STEADILY--SLOWLY, BUT STEADILY--DRIFTING AWAY. BUT I'M NOT EVEN DRIFTING AWAY. I AM STAYING RIGHT HERE I JUST HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHERE YOU ARE AND WHETHER YOU'RE COMING BACK OR NOT. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH THIS SUCKS FOR ME? I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE ENORMITY OF THIS ISSUE.
YOU DON'T JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR IT TO FEEL OKAY. AT THIS POINT IT WILL NEVER FEEL OKAY AND WHERE ARE WE THEN? OFFICIALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT TECHNICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY OUT?
WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU AND WHAT AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THIS TO ME? I AM ASHAMED TO TELL MY FRIENDS. I AM SO SO SAD AND DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BUT MOSTLY DISAPPOINTED. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. I DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE I FORGET ABOUT IT. I ALMOST RATHER YOU WOULD HAVE TEXTED ME AND BROKEN UP WITH ME THAT WAY INSTEAD OF LEAVING ME HANGING OUT HERE NOT KNOWING IF WE'RE BROKEN UP OR IF WE'RE STILL TOGETHER. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS SITUATION.
IT WAS GOING TO BE OKAY. IT WAS GOING TO GET BETTER AND EASIER BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GET MY LICENSE IN TWO WEEKS BUT ALMOST MY BIGGEST REASON FOR WORKING SO HARD ON THAT WAS YOU AND NOW THAT I CAN'T FIND YOU, IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE 45 MINUTES I DROVE YESTERDAY, MY HOURS OF DRIVING HAVE BEEN AT A STANDSTILL FOR A WEEK AND A HALF.
AND WHEN I HAD MY LICENSE, FOOTBALL SEASON WOULD HAVE BEEN CLOSE TO, IF NOT ALREADY, OVER AND YOU WOULD HAVE HAD MORE TIME AND WE COULD HAVE ACTUALLY GONE AND DONE SOMETHING TOGETHER.
AND IT WAS GOING TO GET BETTER. BUT YOU COULDN'T WAIT ANYMORE COULD YOU?
OR ARE YOU JUST GROUNDED?
OR DID YOU JUST LOSE YOUR PHONE?
THERE IS SUCH THING AS A PHONE BOOK, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, AND SUCH A THING AS YOUR MEMORY WHERE YOU HAVE MY LAST NAME STORED, AND SUCH A THING AS YOUR MOM'S MEMORY WHERE SHE MAY REMEMBER MY MOM'S NAME OH MY GOSH ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

There are SO many ways I could keep going with this, but for now...I just want you to promise me one thing other than if you see this that you will call me:
Promise me this one thing:

Promise me that you will never, EVER, walk over another girl the way you have walked all over me. Promise me that you'll treat the next girl you date with a little more respect, thankyouverymuch. When you want it to be over, call her and tell her, even if you know you'd both rather do that in person. If you lose your phone or get grounded for eternity (or something similar), promise me that you will try to find any way possible to get back in touch. Don't ever leave your future girlfriend(s) hanging for more than two weeks, even if your plan is to get them out of your life. You treat the girl who sacrificed her embarrassment, insecurities, I'll-just-keep-to-myself-ness, and desires to not get hurt again with more respect than that. She followed your heart for you, and this is how you repay her! She went out on a limb for you and you need to either chop that limb off with her or show her that you're still there. You don't just jump up to another limb or the next tree over. You give her the respect she deserves--the respect anyone deserves--and you don't do anything that would come off as ignoring her for three weeks.

So.. Call me. Call me and tell me what the heck is going on. Let me know if I'll ever see you again. Let me know if you are interested in starting over, because my interest has not completely faded.
I wasn't done with you. I had a few more dreams up my sleeve and pressed to my heart that had to do with you and you know it! You know it so well! On the other hand, if this applies, let me know if we need to saw this limb off the tree! I mean, seriously! Get a grip and take care of your business. I am your business until you saw me off and I am still here, intact and so is that fricking branch. Okay? Are you comprehending this metaphor?
Call me. Just call me call me call me. Don't text the girl: Call the girl. Even if you no longer want to kiss the girl.

And treat the next girl a little better. Thanks.

#222

Look, my mom has told me to give up on you. My friends have told me I don't deserve you.
What am I supposed to do? Make my own decisions, right?
I just want to know if you're even interested anymore.

#216

I wish I had somewhere to go in the morning. I'm tired of sitting around waiting for people to call and I'm tired of calling people myself and getting stuff together but I can't live like this much longer and I HAVE TO get with my friends before I go to Spain and Italy in two weeks or else I'll be halfway miserable... RAWR.

#215

I wish The Gent didn't go to bed so early (as in 10-11pm). I wish I wasn't afraid of bothering him by texting him. I wish I could talk to somebody. Ugh, but I CAN I just WON'T. urgh 

#214

Magpie #121


The letters and the faces,
they line up among the places
where I placed them on my brown desk many moons ago
Now there lies but on face
and scattered letters calling in chase
for him to come back home
And the bill of rights
and the bill of times
the bill of electricity lays too
And I would say I don't know what to do
here without you
But I do, in fact, know what to do
I just don't know what I
want to do
about you.
Should I send the letter that lays in the open?
The one that lays, stark and naked, straight forward as hell and blunt?
Should I sent the letter that resides completely next to it?
The one that rests, casually but firmly, with belief that we can work this out?
Should I sent the letter that accuses and points the fingers of blame?
The one that could definitely be supported without a doubt, but that I might feel bad about or unreasonably harsh for sending?
Should I send the letter that begs for him to return?
The one that weeps and cries for his return and ultimately fears that he never will and will inexplicably, and unknown to me, throw away?
Or should I send the letter of each other letter, mentioned and not?
The one buried beneath all else: containing my feelings, my thoughts, my aches and pains, my hopes and desires, and all else?
I sit and wonder and others around me question my wondering.
They question why I wonder
instead of going straight on and forward, as they say, and getting rid of the problem
they question my reasons for sticking to him and not trying to find someone else,
maybe someone better,
because maybe I wouldn't have to look that far or hard,
and maybe I know that.
...
This letter, all-knowing of everything I know to be true in my head and omniscient of all that lies in my heart, would be the perfect letter in the perfect setting
if only I could find it, in all its perfectness, underneath this pile-up of absolutely everything in my head.
since you been gone.

And then, the face stays--
just forehead and eyes and upper nose or nostrils
maybe
but, nevertheless, directly half-and-half of my viewpoint.
I see it
but not the whole thing
as in, not the whole picture
I simply, inexplicably cannot see, nor imagine, the whole picture although I'm pretty sure I know what it looks
at least kind of
like
 like you
 being gone
 and all
 and fallen off the face of the earth... except not really...
 I just don't know.
And I can't decide or determine whether the face watches with solemn passivity
or looks on as I make a decision
or counts the seconds until I come to the final conclusion
or sees my brain turn and wind up
or senses my heart back down and step up, steadily or not so much, like the constant rolls of thunder or waves in the sea
or reminisces about its own memories, other, more interesting things it has witnessed and completely ignores me
or counsels my spirit with that knowing look
or blankly stares for it so happens to be inanimate
Does being inanimate mean anything to a mask?
If not, why does it matter?
And if not, what could "being inanimate" keep the mask from doing?
Why is it even a mask now?
It's just a face
And it watches carefully, or not.
And it watches unknowingly, or the opposite.
And it watches as I make my decision
and reach for a letter
buried beneath.

#213

When I share a blog with someone...there's always the fear...that they'll see something they don't like...and it drives them away. Or anything that drives them away. And I love to share, but sometimes it's hard. You know?

Just..thinking about that. Hook is sleeping in my room...and I am on the bed.
And the rest is still unread.
Because it's future, see?
GAH YOU INTERRUPTED MY BEAUTIFUL POETRY.
.. It's okay. :)

It's time to splurge the abnormality.
Irony, no? Exactly. It's not irony.
So so sorry ... This is definitely considerable as randomness..moving along. :)<3kitty

#211

I'm not even 100% positive as to why I'm trying to find my phone.
It's not like he will have texted me back.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

#210

I just finished watching that movie that ABC FAMILY made last year... Cyberbully. With Emily Osment in it.
From the first climax on, (won't share for spoiler reasons) I cried for the next ten minutes straight and the rest of the movie on and off...
I'm not being bullied...but I'm being hurt.
And things hit home.

My shirt is covered in snot from the top of my chest to my belly button
In a sort of a "v" shape
The ends of my hair, where they rested in the current of snot and drool pouring out of me and down the path of my shirt, are sticky. And wet.
My right arm, where it rested over my abdomen, is also covered in a layer of sticky saliva. And snot.
My hand, it kept clutching my side as I sobbed and sobbed and cried.
I don't think you understand.
But I felt her pain when she said she didn't see a reason to even try anymore. I don't want to kill myself. I just want this to be over.
I don't want to be without you, my dear boyfriend, but I can't do this like this much longer.
Demi is right: I have to give my heart a break.
Or, well, no, that's me that's right..
I'm shaking.
My chest feels like its getting chapped from the wet laying on it for so long.
I am not bothering to take this shirt off.
WILL YOU JUST BE ANOTHER WHO IS SORRY BUT LEAVES ANYWAYS?
YOU AREN'T WORTH IT THEN! IF THAT'S THE CASE YOU AREN'T WORTH IT.
But it wouldn't even matter if that was the case... Because you'd already be gone like the LAST GUY.
The snot and drool has soaked through my shirt and is subsiding on a thick layer on both sides of my shirt.
This too gross for you?
Go find something else to read. Something happy and sweet that won't bother you then.
If this is too much for you, that's sad.
That's really really sad.
You know what else is really really sad?
This is too much for me.
But at least I can handle my own words.
I love him.
But I love myself too...
I just want to find my phone so I can call you and hear your voice and hang up.
...

#208

She said (and I quote), "I'm starting to wonder what he would do if I got really mad at him? I'm beginning to think that he would just get confused and walk away instead of staying and fighting for me to stay."

#207

AAAHHH. Life is beautiful!

AudLange, Mom, Sherlock, Sir Some Guy, I can't even name names because then I'm going to forget somebody. Or I'm just going to go on to sleep because I need to and don't feel like listing everybody.

So the rest of you can go with that I saved the best for last but never got to the last. ;)

AudLange. ^_^. Yay.

#204

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want..."

Shit! I'm supposed to be at Chamber Singers practice.

"He maketh me lie down in green pastures..."

I can't believe I forgot!

"He leadeth me besideth still waters.."

It started a whole freaking hour ago.

"He restoreth my soul..."

I hope they don't get mad at me.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."

Okay, I'm not worried about the teachers. But what if I get in trouble with my student leader?

"I will fear no evil..."

That would be an awful way to start out the year. I can't believe I forgot. I'm so stupid.

"For thou art with me..."

But maybe they'll cut me some slack since its only my first practice.

"Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..."

And I'm only a freshman.

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies..."

Oh, but the best conversations with a friend are the ones during which you tell your most personal ways of being. And the ones you can't figure out by yourself, you figure out together.

"Thou anointest my head with oil..."

Because the best thing I want for you is for you to be truly happy and truly you.

"My cup overfloweth..."

However, do remember that you can never do anything to be any more you.

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me..."

I have to tell you that tomorrow.

"All the days of my life..."

I guess I don't have to, but I want to some day soon.

"And I will live in the house of the Lord forever."

And we'll all be okay, you know.

#200

Yeah, so it's like... 2 AM
and it's my 200th post.
And I'm going to bed after this.

Just wondering...where are you?

Aren't you so glad this monumental point in this blog is about you?

Well it is. Even if you aren't glad about it. Which I know you really wouldn't be...especially in this light.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. Just letting you know. Yeah, it sucks right now. I don't really expect to hear from you until school ends or whatever if my theory is right. Sooo have a nice next two weeks. I still love you, don't worry. I feel so dramatic now. But no one is watching. No one is here. So it really doesn't matter.

It's just me.

You know I turned down a dude today. Y'all look slightly similar...in a way, you know, pretty similar for being in the same town and all. Not many people look very much alike. But it's just hair and glasses and skin tone. That's all. He's no you.
I don't think you ever tried to impress me too intensely. But, yeah, anyways.

This doesn't make it better. Or good. Or okay that you're not there.
None of it makes it better or feel better or anything. Not even the good stuff. It's just here. I'm here.

It's just me.

#199

Oh, and by the way...we survived the bombshell. Nice guy. Really nice guy.

Just...STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS ME. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT I LIKE YOU SINCE I LIKED YOU FROM YEARS AGO WHEN WE FIRST MET. OMG. STOP. JUST STOP. I CAN'T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. STOP.

#197

Ohhh nooooo here comes the bombshell. GRAWL.

DEAR GOD,
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME SO PRETTY AND NICE AND SMART??? I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE!!!

GAAAAHHHHH.

#194

I get scared pretty easily. As you can see in #162, # 192, #193, and many others.

I mean, not THAT easily. Not as easily as Sybil (thank God), but pretty easily.

Then again, I guess everyone does. Or a lot of people. Much of el población, sí?
Yeah. Definitely.

I'm not a scared person though. I don't want anyone I ever know to be as scared as Sybil because that would scare me too.

:( and then we'd all be scared.

But it's okay because none of us are like that. We're just insecure and confident and insecure at the same time and it kinda works out but it kinda doesn't.

I love myself, believe me. But I can get pretty insecure.

Take my hand, dears. Maybe we can be insecure together and then we won't be.

192

Actually...it's not so much that I try to not be dramatic..

I try REALLY HARD to not say the wrong thing. And then when I try not to say the wrong thing and I say something that I think might be the wrong thing I over think it and was already over thinking it to begin with and so I try to explain myself and it just makes it all convoluted and worse. And then i think about it forever and I don't forget until I say something. And I don't say anything because I feel like it doesn't matter to anyone else but me even though I worry that it does and so if I do say something you'll just think I'm weird and kind of bipolar and messed up and one of the last things I want you to think is that I'm bipolar because that's what the last guy thought by the end of it and although I know people who have signs of bipolarity it's not a thing to take lightly and there's no reason to accuse one of it and it did offend me but no that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the people I know who have it I mean theres something wrong, obviously, but not with them. And not with me. And this ^^ this is what happens. This ^^ is what happens when I try to explain stuff. It makes it worse because I didn't need to explain it in the first place but I think I do and then I leave stuff out and we've moved on and I'm still there and I'm still scared. And it's all because I'm very insecure. I feel super confident and lovely and happy with myself. I really do feel that way, but I also get real insecure sometimes and I always worry about saying the wrong thing to you. Not much to anybody else...kind of, but not really. And I think one thing is because I don't see you and texting isn't the easiest way to communicate and because (I know it's totally unfair to compare this to my previous situations but it's all I have to back up on) the last time I said a bunch of things wrong I lost him. And I don't want to lose you. And that's what has been going through my head. And I say a lot of stupid stuff. And maybe that wasn't the reason he stopped "liking me". Whatever. Why am I even talking about this anymore? ...it's because I talk about it so much on here because I over think stuff and I never get everything in my head out and so it comes back like this. And I have to get it out.
Anyways. Moving on. Moved on, actually. Besides my previous situations...I still have a hard time. I don't want anything I say to be taken the wrong way. And when I get nervous (simply nervous about being nervous or talking), I talk a lot. And the more I say, the more stupid things I say. So maybe I should just stop talking so much.

Besides, I like listening to your voice.

#188

Okay! Fine! I give in! To myself... :D

I'm going to get my phone out of the car.... -_- :)

In case, on the off chance, he texts me. :/