#228

Goodbye, Sir Some Guy.
Thanks for everything.
I grew and learned so much because of you.
Somehow, I think you might have a greater place in my heart of memories than the last guy. Not that he's much competition, but, hey.

Thank you.
So..
Until we meet again
or
To the death, my friend.

#225

After all this time, there you go.
There you go
you have disappeared
and I am left to wonder
and wander
in this gray haze.
Are you gone for good?
Or are you ever coming back?
Am I supposed to wait on you?
Or am I allowed to move forward with my life?

Sir Some Guy, I always loved you. And I still care about you,
But waiting three weeks for you to text or call me back is a bit much.
I would start over for you, but I won't wait forever for you.

If you want to break up, call me. If you don't want to break up, call me. If you don't want to call me, call me. If you're afraid I'll be mad, call me. Just whatever you do, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL ME FOR GOODNESS' SAKE LOOK ME UP IN THE PHONEBOOK OR SOMETHING TALK TO YOUR PARENTS IF YOU'RE GROUNDED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE AND SO I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO YOU AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
I HAVE BEEN MAD AT YOU.
BUT I AM SO STEADILY--SLOWLY, BUT STEADILY--DRIFTING AWAY. BUT I'M NOT EVEN DRIFTING AWAY. I AM STAYING RIGHT HERE I JUST HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHERE YOU ARE AND WHETHER YOU'RE COMING BACK OR NOT. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH THIS SUCKS FOR ME? I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE ENORMITY OF THIS ISSUE.
YOU DON'T JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR IT TO FEEL OKAY. AT THIS POINT IT WILL NEVER FEEL OKAY AND WHERE ARE WE THEN? OFFICIALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT TECHNICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY OUT?
WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU AND WHAT AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THIS TO ME? I AM ASHAMED TO TELL MY FRIENDS. I AM SO SO SAD AND DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BUT MOSTLY DISAPPOINTED. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. I DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE I FORGET ABOUT IT. I ALMOST RATHER YOU WOULD HAVE TEXTED ME AND BROKEN UP WITH ME THAT WAY INSTEAD OF LEAVING ME HANGING OUT HERE NOT KNOWING IF WE'RE BROKEN UP OR IF WE'RE STILL TOGETHER. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS SITUATION.
IT WAS GOING TO BE OKAY. IT WAS GOING TO GET BETTER AND EASIER BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GET MY LICENSE IN TWO WEEKS BUT ALMOST MY BIGGEST REASON FOR WORKING SO HARD ON THAT WAS YOU AND NOW THAT I CAN'T FIND YOU, IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE 45 MINUTES I DROVE YESTERDAY, MY HOURS OF DRIVING HAVE BEEN AT A STANDSTILL FOR A WEEK AND A HALF.
AND WHEN I HAD MY LICENSE, FOOTBALL SEASON WOULD HAVE BEEN CLOSE TO, IF NOT ALREADY, OVER AND YOU WOULD HAVE HAD MORE TIME AND WE COULD HAVE ACTUALLY GONE AND DONE SOMETHING TOGETHER.
AND IT WAS GOING TO GET BETTER. BUT YOU COULDN'T WAIT ANYMORE COULD YOU?
OR ARE YOU JUST GROUNDED?
OR DID YOU JUST LOSE YOUR PHONE?
THERE IS SUCH THING AS A PHONE BOOK, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, AND SUCH A THING AS YOUR MEMORY WHERE YOU HAVE MY LAST NAME STORED, AND SUCH A THING AS YOUR MOM'S MEMORY WHERE SHE MAY REMEMBER MY MOM'S NAME OH MY GOSH ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

There are SO many ways I could keep going with this, but for now...I just want you to promise me one thing other than if you see this that you will call me:
Promise me this one thing:

Promise me that you will never, EVER, walk over another girl the way you have walked all over me. Promise me that you'll treat the next girl you date with a little more respect, thankyouverymuch. When you want it to be over, call her and tell her, even if you know you'd both rather do that in person. If you lose your phone or get grounded for eternity (or something similar), promise me that you will try to find any way possible to get back in touch. Don't ever leave your future girlfriend(s) hanging for more than two weeks, even if your plan is to get them out of your life. You treat the girl who sacrificed her embarrassment, insecurities, I'll-just-keep-to-myself-ness, and desires to not get hurt again with more respect than that. She followed your heart for you, and this is how you repay her! She went out on a limb for you and you need to either chop that limb off with her or show her that you're still there. You don't just jump up to another limb or the next tree over. You give her the respect she deserves--the respect anyone deserves--and you don't do anything that would come off as ignoring her for three weeks.

So.. Call me. Call me and tell me what the heck is going on. Let me know if I'll ever see you again. Let me know if you are interested in starting over, because my interest has not completely faded.
I wasn't done with you. I had a few more dreams up my sleeve and pressed to my heart that had to do with you and you know it! You know it so well! On the other hand, if this applies, let me know if we need to saw this limb off the tree! I mean, seriously! Get a grip and take care of your business. I am your business until you saw me off and I am still here, intact and so is that fricking branch. Okay? Are you comprehending this metaphor?
Call me. Just call me call me call me. Don't text the girl: Call the girl. Even if you no longer want to kiss the girl.

And treat the next girl a little better. Thanks.

#139

Magpie #103.


Link to picture here

Death. Red blood, sharp cornered, cornered in the middle death.
Life. Red roses, hands open, reaching towards the sky death.
Happy flowers scattered 'round.
Despair of sadness sticks to the ground.
Black marble drags the drumbeat on while mockingbirds and sparrows sing sadly along.

Your hands are open. Reach towards me. Things don't have to be how the seem to be.
You don't have to mourn.
You don't have to bleed.
Listen. Listen. Listen to me.
Please.
Please listen to me. Please stay here. I beg, I beg, I beg of you, my dear.
My dear, dear friend. My dear, dear friend.
Don't be sad. Okay, you can. But don't be sad forever, man.
I know your heart is broken. I know it's shattered in two. I know I can't say much to comfort because I have a boyfriend too.
I just wish... That you could see.
I wish you could see how much you mean to me. I love all my friends, this is true.
And you are my friend. So I love you!

I know that you are broken. And the future seems unclear. I know that it may suck right now. You thought it wouldn't get here.
You thought you had a chance. Believe me, I'm sure you had some.
But this girl, this mutual friend of ours, right now she's not the one.
Right now, for you, she's not any of the ones that you may date or be with for as long as forever may take...
I'm really, really sorry. And I hope you don't stay sad.
And I have hope because I believe that things won't stay this bad.
I saw a shadow of a smile on your face!
I saw you start to grin!
I saw I saw I saw I saw ... but I'd like to see it again...

I kind of know the way you feel. For I have felt things similar too...
I know, at least, I'm scared--always--of these things going through you.
Rejection. Loss. That someone will take it away before I get the chance. I have a plan, but what if then it's ripped right out of my hands?
I rip my hands and fingers too. I rip and tear at my heels.
I rip at my toes, and before I know it, it's bleeding. This is for reals.
It's not so bad, no, nowadays. It's not as bad as it was.
But still sometimes I bleed.
And sometimes.
I need.
A friend, like you.
And sometimes I cry.
And sometimes. I feel like I've died.
And sometimes I need.
A friend, like you.
A hug from you. Or a hug given to you. Just as the case may be.

#125

I've been okay with it. And I've been accepting of it. But here we go again. There it went again. I just broke another friend's heart. I can't quite believe it as I listen to this song.

Dear-friend,

You were the first dear friend I called dear-friend on here!
That's for a reason! I care about you so much! And I would miss you.

...

:___(

I'm so sorry. I'm so so so so so sorry. I'm so so sos SOS so so so so so so so so so so so sorry!
You trusted me and I let you down.
I hope you will forgive me. I hope we won't grow detached as much as it seems the last one turned out.

I can't quite believe that I've done this again.
I need to wallow in this for a little... I feel... I fell... I feel.. to perfectly and wholely appreciate it.

*Bluebird by Christina Perri*
*with sirens fading in the background*

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How does it do that?
How could I expect you to do that.
How?
How could I expect you to know...
How to teach itself to start ... Beating again?

I know you might have been through something like this before. But that doesn't mean you know. That doesn't mean I would know. Or that anybody else would know.

This little bluebird... Came looking for you. I said that I hadn't seen you in quite some time. But I don't want this to happen.
This little bluebird... She came looking again. Please don't let us ever not be friends. But of course there'd be no reason for me to say she couldn't have you. Don't tell her she can't have you because your heart is set on someone else who won't love you back or can't love you back when you know that deep down inside of you, this bluebird is much better for you than that girl.

Don't you know that I know it was hard?
It was for me.
I know that a part of you died.
But it would have been such a lie if I had said yes.
And in the end we would have ALL cried.

I promise you'll find your little bluebird. Or big as the case may be. Or medium.
And she won't give it a rest. About you. She'll adore you and love you more than any other girl (except your momma) before her.
And for her, you'll be better than all the rest.
And for you, she'll be better than all the rest.
But you being for me as of now? No, no, you've got it all wrong. If I was going to be worth your time that way, I wouldn't be rewriting this song.

And don't you know I know it was hard.
I knew it would be for me too.
And I promise it was, even if it didn't seem that way.
I know that a part of you died.
But it would have been such a lie if I said yes.
And in the end, even more of us would have cried.

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How do you tell yourself and your heart that you have to start keeping on moving on and have to start beating again?
Well, I'm pretty sure it's not that simple.

But what if you don't move on?
What if when she comes over I am all you think about?
And you're thinking about me and I'm taking away from all she wants in you.
And what if it happens again?
What if it had happened before?


How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How do you frickin' teach yourself to start beating again?
HOW DO YOU EXPECT YOUR FRIENDS TO START BEATING AND MOVING ON AGAIN AFTER YOU'VE BROKEN THEM? How could I expect....

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
Maybe you teach yourself to start beating again because you have to.
You probably do it because you're strong. I know you are strong. You are my friend and I know you are.
You can teach yourself to start beating again.
You will teach yourself to start beating again.
I know you can always, foreve and always, my dear-friend, teach yourself to start beating again.

I believe in you.

And maybe the next little bluebird... Will stop coming around. And not because of me. And not because of you. Just because she beats and moves...
And if you need me, please remember that all you need do is look.
And if I feel that you need a friend, or I need a friend, I know that all I need do is look.

And I'll find you.

#69. this is really on June 3, 2011

Boys are so stupid...okay...forget that please! Some boys have been and can be so stupid. BOYS ARE NOT STUPID!!!!! ... 

We went and Saw "X-Men: First Class" tonight. We sat down...then...some guys came in and sat down on the four or five seats left in the row to my right. The guy who sat right next to me kind of hesitated before sitting down next to me-- you know how people do that, right? I've done it, you've done it. We're scared and feel awkward (or at least I do) to sit down right next to somebody.

All throughout the movie, and before, I stole glances at this boy when I thought he wasn't looking. For once, I'd found someone...eh...^//////^ [that's me blushing :) ...] cute in a public place that didn't look older than me. He looked about my age!

Imagine...Draco Malfoy. funny, I know. I'm such a Harry Potter luvah. But imagine him, give him regular blonde (not platinum) hair. make it wavy. Widen his face, give his skin a little more color, instead of just pale. I thought of Draco Malfoy even though I know the guy looked nothing like him! And it wasn't because I though think he was is mean. It's because...well...that's the guy who came to my head. But I never NEVER got to see his face clearly. Just right face to face. Just right. I never got to see it just right. I never to see him just right. I never got to see him face to face...directly. I might never in my life again. I might never in my life again have the chance. And I was just too dang shy to look at him when he was looking at me.

It wasn't necessarily that he is cute. It wasn't that I wanted to ask him out. Although the good-looking factor didn't hurt.... >.>

But....I think it was more that I've been in that situation before (but never with a guy) (or at least not in such a strong degree as this). I just wanted to say hi. I just wanted to talk to him. Know his name. Above all, I just wanted to see his face. His whole face. Direct. Face to Face. And I didn't. But...like always, I made up--in my head--a scenario that will never happen except in my dreams.

Plus, it was dark in the movie theater ... so that didn't help anything..

.

<><><and being the girl that I am, I partly ignored it, and decided to see past it. Everyone has good... why waste your mind on the bad??>>

Girl: *looks at the blonde, wavy haired boy sitting to her direct right* 

Boy: *turns head and looks at her* What?

Girl: *puts her head on the back of her neck in an embarrassed gesture/possibly looks down for a second* Sorry. *looks up* I just wanted to see your face. 

Boy: *has a "what?" look on his face* Excuse me? *says in a sarcastic way, not polite, but not being super mean*

Girl: I know. *cracks a smile* Sounds weird doesn't it? I just, I mean...*deep breath and sighs* .. I'm a writer. I write about things I know. And I don't know you, and it seems kind of a shame since I've had all these chances to talk to a random person, but I didn't take them. Just to get to know one more person. 

Boy: So you just wanted to talk to me?? *"what?" look* You're weird.

Girl: *laughs* I know I'm not making sense. 

Boy: Is this your weird way of asking me out?

Girl: *laughs* No, :) I'm not looking for a boyfriend. And I'm not looking for "just some guy" either. I guess I'm kind of looking for knowledge. And new friends. I like new friends. 

Boy: Okayyy...whatever.... *wide-eyed "weird person" look* 

Girl: Hey-- *puts hand on his shoulder/pokes him [maybe]* I'm sorry I made it weird. Maybe we can just start over. Pretend we never talked. 

Boy: *shrugs* Whatever. *"I guess so" look*

<><>

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Girl: *pokes boy in the shoulder* Hey. 

Boy: *looks at girl* Hey?

Girl: Ummm...*looks at her feet**then looks up* and puts her hand out to shake the boy's* Hi. What's your name?

Boy: *looks at the girl's hand then looks at the girl and looks at the hand again and pushes/waves the hand away* Okay. This is just too weird. *exasperated&"what?" look* I don't even get why we're doing this.

Girl: *shrugs* Fine. That's perfectly cool with me. *smiles* What's your name?

Boy: [Will]

Girl: Cool. I'm [Kelley].

Boy: Where do you go to school?

Girl: Where do you go to school?

Boy: I asked you first.

Girl: So?

Boy: Ladies first.

Girl: I vouch for ladies second.

Boy: *rolls eyes* Fine. I go to [FarGut]. Now, where do you go to school?

Girl: *grimace/"well..." look* *looks up/deep breath* If I told you, you'd think I'm a rich, snotty brat.

Boy: *either has a "really?" look or says "Really?"**like he doesn't believe her.

Girl: Really, really.

Boy: Well, are you?

Girl: No. ... Well, I'm not rich. And I hope I'm not--I mean--I hope I don't seem like a snotty brat. I don't think I am a snotty brat. *looks at boy's face and laughs-he's not doing anything special, he's just thinking and I'm sure getting a little bored/a little frustrated that she's putting off answering his question* And after all this trouble, you probably won't even care..*laughs*

...*smirks/grimace/"well..." look* I go to [Webbkinz] [School].

Boy: *nods*"okay/whatever look"

Girl: Cool. *smiles* See, there's where a lot of ...well, I guess just a few, ... I don't know very many guys, well, people, outside my school. Just never had the chance, ya know? Anyways, a couple of times, when I've told people that, they flinched and looked away, kind of like they were trying to telapathically say to someone, "Help me, I'm stuck with this annoying [bee] who goes to [Webbkinz School]." I mean, it sucks, you know? People are so stereotypical. ... Well, I know I can be too...but still..it doesn't feel good to be on that end of the stick.
...Sorry I keep babbling. I'm probably boring you out of your mind.

Boy: Well..at least it makes sense... --what you're saying I mean.

Girl: ha. ha. *nice sarcasm* Very funny.

Girl: Soo....*thinks about whether or not to ask how old he is*....what grade are you going into next year?

Boy: [9th]

Girl: Really? Me too.

Boy: How old are you?

Girl: Oh. [14]

Boy: Really? *shrugs*

Girl: How old are you? *looks at him shyly*

Boy: [15]

Girl: Cool. I'll be [15] in [October] What grade are you....?

Boy: [9th]

<><><

Boy: Well. ... I guess I'll see you around.

Girl: Yeah...

Boy: *turns to go*

Girl: Hey! We'll probably see each other. It was... nice to meet you. And talk to you.

Boy: *looks at girl in the kinda squinty "what?" look* So, are you able to write about me now?

Girl: *double-take (cuz she forgot about that)*..Oh! Oh....well..*moves eyes a lot...side to side up, down*  I--I guess so. *smiles*

<>

Girl: Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean??

Boy: *looks at girl* No.  Have you?

Girl: No. *smiles* Do you plan on seeing it?

Boy: Well,,...I was going to...

Girl: Maybe we'll see each other here. Then.

Boy: Sure. Next week maybe.

Girl: I don't know if I'll be able to come.

Boy: Well..do you want my number?

Girl: *laughs* Sorry! But I hardly know you or who you are. ... Plus, my cell phone gets lost a lot so...I mean, I lose it...but ...-well--...there is one way you could keep in touch. I have..eh...a blog. If you want to tell me something. .. Leave a comment wherever and it'll come to me. And if not. If you don't want to *corrects herself<<* I guess I'll see you around.

Boy: Okay. what's the blog called?

Girl: Do you have a piece of paper...or a pen?

Boy: No.

Girl: oh...okay...maybe your friends have a pen or something. I can get a napkin.

<>

Girl: I'm [Kelley]. Do any of you have a pen..or a p--*thinks better of saying "pencil"* some other sort of writing utensil thing?

<>"Nah." "oh! I've got something!"One of them hands it to her>>

Girl: *smiles sweetly/genuinely at the boy who had a pen* Thanks.

<>

Girl: *grabs a napkin and starts writing on it* *writes "www.asplurgeofabnormality.blogspot.com".*

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Girl: *finishes writing and stands up straight and her bro comes over*

Bro: [Kelley]. We gotta go. Mom really wants to go home. *looks at the other guys curiously* And what are you doing? I'm [Daniel]. *he puts out his hand and shakes the other guys' hands*

Girl: I'm giving him my blog...they might come see Pirates of the Caribbean. And maybe we could see them here when they do.

Bro: What's the blog for?

Girl: *laughs* to keep in touch!

Bro: What happened to texting?

Girl: *looks at him with a "really?" look*rolls eyes* Even you can't keep up with your phone. I can't! This is the best way.

Bro: Good point. Just ... don't take all night.

Girl: Okay... *looks at guys* I gotta get their names right. [Will], [name, name, name, name]. Right?

<>

Girl: There it is. *looks at the napkin again before handing it to him* Can you read it?

Boy: *is obnoxious in a nice way by bringing the napkin so close to his face that he's almost touching the napkin and back and forth again* I think so. *lowers the napkin*

Girl: *smiles* Whatever. :) Well I guess we'll see you around.

Boy: Sure. Bye [Kelley]. [Daniel] *nods*.

Bro: [Will], right? Nice to meet you. Lemme see if I can get everyone else's names right. *gets them all right*. Cool.

Girl: Now let's see if I can remember those names until next time! *laughs*

Bro: You're hopeless.

Girl: Gee, thanks. *"gee, thanks" look*

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