#225

After all this time, there you go.
There you go
you have disappeared
and I am left to wonder
and wander
in this gray haze.
Are you gone for good?
Or are you ever coming back?
Am I supposed to wait on you?
Or am I allowed to move forward with my life?

Sir Some Guy, I always loved you. And I still care about you,
But waiting three weeks for you to text or call me back is a bit much.
I would start over for you, but I won't wait forever for you.

If you want to break up, call me. If you don't want to break up, call me. If you don't want to call me, call me. If you're afraid I'll be mad, call me. Just whatever you do, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL ME FOR GOODNESS' SAKE LOOK ME UP IN THE PHONEBOOK OR SOMETHING TALK TO YOUR PARENTS IF YOU'RE GROUNDED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE AND SO I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO YOU AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
I HAVE BEEN MAD AT YOU.
BUT I AM SO STEADILY--SLOWLY, BUT STEADILY--DRIFTING AWAY. BUT I'M NOT EVEN DRIFTING AWAY. I AM STAYING RIGHT HERE I JUST HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHERE YOU ARE AND WHETHER YOU'RE COMING BACK OR NOT. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH THIS SUCKS FOR ME? I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE ENORMITY OF THIS ISSUE.
YOU DON'T JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR IT TO FEEL OKAY. AT THIS POINT IT WILL NEVER FEEL OKAY AND WHERE ARE WE THEN? OFFICIALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT TECHNICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY OUT?
WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU AND WHAT AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THIS TO ME? I AM ASHAMED TO TELL MY FRIENDS. I AM SO SO SAD AND DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BUT MOSTLY DISAPPOINTED. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. I DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE I FORGET ABOUT IT. I ALMOST RATHER YOU WOULD HAVE TEXTED ME AND BROKEN UP WITH ME THAT WAY INSTEAD OF LEAVING ME HANGING OUT HERE NOT KNOWING IF WE'RE BROKEN UP OR IF WE'RE STILL TOGETHER. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS SITUATION.
IT WAS GOING TO BE OKAY. IT WAS GOING TO GET BETTER AND EASIER BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GET MY LICENSE IN TWO WEEKS BUT ALMOST MY BIGGEST REASON FOR WORKING SO HARD ON THAT WAS YOU AND NOW THAT I CAN'T FIND YOU, IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE 45 MINUTES I DROVE YESTERDAY, MY HOURS OF DRIVING HAVE BEEN AT A STANDSTILL FOR A WEEK AND A HALF.
AND WHEN I HAD MY LICENSE, FOOTBALL SEASON WOULD HAVE BEEN CLOSE TO, IF NOT ALREADY, OVER AND YOU WOULD HAVE HAD MORE TIME AND WE COULD HAVE ACTUALLY GONE AND DONE SOMETHING TOGETHER.
AND IT WAS GOING TO GET BETTER. BUT YOU COULDN'T WAIT ANYMORE COULD YOU?
OR ARE YOU JUST GROUNDED?
OR DID YOU JUST LOSE YOUR PHONE?
THERE IS SUCH THING AS A PHONE BOOK, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, AND SUCH A THING AS YOUR MEMORY WHERE YOU HAVE MY LAST NAME STORED, AND SUCH A THING AS YOUR MOM'S MEMORY WHERE SHE MAY REMEMBER MY MOM'S NAME OH MY GOSH ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

There are SO many ways I could keep going with this, but for now...I just want you to promise me one thing other than if you see this that you will call me:
Promise me this one thing:

Promise me that you will never, EVER, walk over another girl the way you have walked all over me. Promise me that you'll treat the next girl you date with a little more respect, thankyouverymuch. When you want it to be over, call her and tell her, even if you know you'd both rather do that in person. If you lose your phone or get grounded for eternity (or something similar), promise me that you will try to find any way possible to get back in touch. Don't ever leave your future girlfriend(s) hanging for more than two weeks, even if your plan is to get them out of your life. You treat the girl who sacrificed her embarrassment, insecurities, I'll-just-keep-to-myself-ness, and desires to not get hurt again with more respect than that. She followed your heart for you, and this is how you repay her! She went out on a limb for you and you need to either chop that limb off with her or show her that you're still there. You don't just jump up to another limb or the next tree over. You give her the respect she deserves--the respect anyone deserves--and you don't do anything that would come off as ignoring her for three weeks.

So.. Call me. Call me and tell me what the heck is going on. Let me know if I'll ever see you again. Let me know if you are interested in starting over, because my interest has not completely faded.
I wasn't done with you. I had a few more dreams up my sleeve and pressed to my heart that had to do with you and you know it! You know it so well! On the other hand, if this applies, let me know if we need to saw this limb off the tree! I mean, seriously! Get a grip and take care of your business. I am your business until you saw me off and I am still here, intact and so is that fricking branch. Okay? Are you comprehending this metaphor?
Call me. Just call me call me call me. Don't text the girl: Call the girl. Even if you no longer want to kiss the girl.

And treat the next girl a little better. Thanks.

#213

When I share a blog with someone...there's always the fear...that they'll see something they don't like...and it drives them away. Or anything that drives them away. And I love to share, but sometimes it's hard. You know?

Just..thinking about that. Hook is sleeping in my room...and I am on the bed.
And the rest is still unread.
Because it's future, see?
GAH YOU INTERRUPTED MY BEAUTIFUL POETRY.
.. It's okay. :)

It's time to splurge the abnormality.
Irony, no? Exactly. It's not irony.
So so sorry ... This is definitely considerable as randomness..moving along. :)<3kitty

#211

I'm not even 100% positive as to why I'm trying to find my phone.
It's not like he will have texted me back.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

#210

I just finished watching that movie that ABC FAMILY made last year... Cyberbully. With Emily Osment in it.
From the first climax on, (won't share for spoiler reasons) I cried for the next ten minutes straight and the rest of the movie on and off...
I'm not being bullied...but I'm being hurt.
And things hit home.

My shirt is covered in snot from the top of my chest to my belly button
In a sort of a "v" shape
The ends of my hair, where they rested in the current of snot and drool pouring out of me and down the path of my shirt, are sticky. And wet.
My right arm, where it rested over my abdomen, is also covered in a layer of sticky saliva. And snot.
My hand, it kept clutching my side as I sobbed and sobbed and cried.
I don't think you understand.
But I felt her pain when she said she didn't see a reason to even try anymore. I don't want to kill myself. I just want this to be over.
I don't want to be without you, my dear boyfriend, but I can't do this like this much longer.
Demi is right: I have to give my heart a break.
Or, well, no, that's me that's right..
I'm shaking.
My chest feels like its getting chapped from the wet laying on it for so long.
I am not bothering to take this shirt off.
WILL YOU JUST BE ANOTHER WHO IS SORRY BUT LEAVES ANYWAYS?
YOU AREN'T WORTH IT THEN! IF THAT'S THE CASE YOU AREN'T WORTH IT.
But it wouldn't even matter if that was the case... Because you'd already be gone like the LAST GUY.
The snot and drool has soaked through my shirt and is subsiding on a thick layer on both sides of my shirt.
This too gross for you?
Go find something else to read. Something happy and sweet that won't bother you then.
If this is too much for you, that's sad.
That's really really sad.
You know what else is really really sad?
This is too much for me.
But at least I can handle my own words.
I love him.
But I love myself too...
I just want to find my phone so I can call you and hear your voice and hang up.
...

#209

I'm starting to think I am kind of bipolar.

...

That's what I desired least for in the world. All this time. Especially in relation to the situation.

I never wanted him to be right.

I'm getting to thinking, does it matter? Does it really, really matter that much whether he was right or not?

I feel bad. I feel bad about this...that everyone else is moved on and others have moved into my life and I've still not moved on from that.

But I just wonder.
However, it also makes me wonder if the people who have moved in dislike, or are possibly turned off by, my wondering.
However, I wonder if my wondering is driving these people away...whether they realize it or not.

What?! Am I going to have a mental breakdown when I turn 45?
Why do I feel all this pain and not feel sad and not get depressed? And why do I feel it in short bursts?
I want to get psychoanalyzed. I know it sounds crazy but I want to know what's going on in my head.
I'm not depressed. At least, I don't think I am.

Why am I giddily happy one minute and mad the next?
Is it my environment--at least partially?--or is it just completely, wholly me?

What's wrong? And is there anything wrong?

Am I just paranoid?
I might be.

Do I think to much?
Probably.

Am I providing the correct answers for myself?
How the heck should I know?

....that's why I'm asking... D:

#208

She said (and I quote), "I'm starting to wonder what he would do if I got really mad at him? I'm beginning to think that he would just get confused and walk away instead of staying and fighting for me to stay."

#204

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want..."

Shit! I'm supposed to be at Chamber Singers practice.

"He maketh me lie down in green pastures..."

I can't believe I forgot!

"He leadeth me besideth still waters.."

It started a whole freaking hour ago.

"He restoreth my soul..."

I hope they don't get mad at me.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."

Okay, I'm not worried about the teachers. But what if I get in trouble with my student leader?

"I will fear no evil..."

That would be an awful way to start out the year. I can't believe I forgot. I'm so stupid.

"For thou art with me..."

But maybe they'll cut me some slack since its only my first practice.

"Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..."

And I'm only a freshman.

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies..."

Oh, but the best conversations with a friend are the ones during which you tell your most personal ways of being. And the ones you can't figure out by yourself, you figure out together.

"Thou anointest my head with oil..."

Because the best thing I want for you is for you to be truly happy and truly you.

"My cup overfloweth..."

However, do remember that you can never do anything to be any more you.

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me..."

I have to tell you that tomorrow.

"All the days of my life..."

I guess I don't have to, but I want to some day soon.

"And I will live in the house of the Lord forever."

And we'll all be okay, you know.

#199

Oh, and by the way...we survived the bombshell. Nice guy. Really nice guy.

Just...STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS ME. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT I LIKE YOU SINCE I LIKED YOU FROM YEARS AGO WHEN WE FIRST MET. OMG. STOP. JUST STOP. I CAN'T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY. STOP.

#198

but let's not judge people for their past but believe in them for their future and respect them for their present.

12:21 am April 6 2012

#196

there will come a time when all is lost
when there is nothing left worth the risk because you will lose anyways
when you are so outnumbered
when you feel you will die & no one will know and no one will care
and no one will remember
because they wanted you dead in the first place, remember?
because they wanted you gone in the first place, remember?
that you will lose all the ones you love & you can't do anything to stop it
and there will come a time when all hope is lost

---

there will come a time when all hope is lost & you don't have strength to go any farther.
you don't have courage to make it one more step.
and there will come a time when you reach inside yourself & find a hope you never knew was there but was there all long...
just not within your reach.

---

there will come a time when all your strength is gone but a sudden surge or a minuscule flicker of hope takes over
you don't even try
you don't know to try
you don't have to
you can't & that's the point
the deepest part of you takes over like when you fall out of consciousness and your nervous system takes over your respiratory system and makes you breathe.
And there it is.

#195

I really just don't want to listen to this right now. You know? I don't want to listen to the threats and the booming voices that yell. I just want to get my homework done and get to sleep and maybe talk to my boyfriend. I just want to be content tonight. I don't even want to try to make it better. But it's okay, see? Because it's gone now and I didn't even have to try to make it better. It just...went away...

192

Actually...it's not so much that I try to not be dramatic..

I try REALLY HARD to not say the wrong thing. And then when I try not to say the wrong thing and I say something that I think might be the wrong thing I over think it and was already over thinking it to begin with and so I try to explain myself and it just makes it all convoluted and worse. And then i think about it forever and I don't forget until I say something. And I don't say anything because I feel like it doesn't matter to anyone else but me even though I worry that it does and so if I do say something you'll just think I'm weird and kind of bipolar and messed up and one of the last things I want you to think is that I'm bipolar because that's what the last guy thought by the end of it and although I know people who have signs of bipolarity it's not a thing to take lightly and there's no reason to accuse one of it and it did offend me but no that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the people I know who have it I mean theres something wrong, obviously, but not with them. And not with me. And this ^^ this is what happens. This ^^ is what happens when I try to explain stuff. It makes it worse because I didn't need to explain it in the first place but I think I do and then I leave stuff out and we've moved on and I'm still there and I'm still scared. And it's all because I'm very insecure. I feel super confident and lovely and happy with myself. I really do feel that way, but I also get real insecure sometimes and I always worry about saying the wrong thing to you. Not much to anybody else...kind of, but not really. And I think one thing is because I don't see you and texting isn't the easiest way to communicate and because (I know it's totally unfair to compare this to my previous situations but it's all I have to back up on) the last time I said a bunch of things wrong I lost him. And I don't want to lose you. And that's what has been going through my head. And I say a lot of stupid stuff. And maybe that wasn't the reason he stopped "liking me". Whatever. Why am I even talking about this anymore? ...it's because I talk about it so much on here because I over think stuff and I never get everything in my head out and so it comes back like this. And I have to get it out.
Anyways. Moving on. Moved on, actually. Besides my previous situations...I still have a hard time. I don't want anything I say to be taken the wrong way. And when I get nervous (simply nervous about being nervous or talking), I talk a lot. And the more I say, the more stupid things I say. So maybe I should just stop talking so much.

Besides, I like listening to your voice.

#191

Last night I actually got kinda mad.

#189

I'm trying. I'm trying to keep my belief.

It's just really really hard when I don't know what's going on.

Belief by Gavin DeGraw
I'll Be by Edwin McCain
My Immortal by Evanescence
Angry by Matchbox Twenty
Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer

#188

Okay! Fine! I give in! To myself... :D

I'm going to get my phone out of the car.... -_- :)

In case, on the off chance, he texts me. :/

#179

No, silly boy, I can go my whole life without having suicidal thoughts. I know it's a huge norm for a huge percentage of the world's population but I, although I am not sure you would completely understand this, have my faith. I have my God. I have my religion.
Suicide, like cutting, is not an option for me.
To be depressed, to have feelings, no matter how extreme is indeed an option.

No, I've never had suicidal thoughts. I've thought about suicide and people who commit it and ways people commit suicide because I've read so many books where the characters considered suicide or got extremely close and I've watched so many movies where the characters are troubled in thar sense.

But, no, I've never thought suicidally about myself. I've wondered, yes, I've wondered how anyone could possibly bring themselves to kill themselves. I feel like if I did that I would immediately regret it and then it'd be too late.

And even now, as I talk about it, I am being serious--yes-- but I am neither scared nor leaning towards depression. Suicide is much too far outside of my realms.

I am too afraid of death to ever commit such a thing. Plus, it is too far wedged into my mind that suicide is a cowardly act committed by people who cannot deal with their life and are not brave or strong enough to move forward in this life. ... This does not mean that I believe I am superior to people who commit suicide. This does not mean people who commit suicide are completely weak; they are not. They just had that one weakness and it so happened to lead to their death.

LISTEN TO ME. BOY.

I know you don't believe in God, but I do.
LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE.

You know this girl, right here, sitting in her house, thinking of you as she so often does, right? You know me, I am your peer and I am one of your loyal friends who will miss you SOOOO MUCH when you move next year.
I listen to you, I see the good in you when others don't, and I make you smile as you make me smile.

But enough about you. You know me. You know my smile and my laugh that you at least catch a glimpse of every day?
You know that CRAZY CRAZY atleastslightlyhyper girl? You know me.
You know how I seem to usually be in a good mood and my bad ones usually don't last that long?

NEWSLFLASH:
That wouldn't be me if I didn't have my faith.
My faith shines through with every waking moment. Every positive thing I do. Every positive thing I say. Every time I ask for a hug or let you give me one.
That, right there, is my faith shining through.

The reason I'm explaining this is because I don't think you would believe me if I just simply told you that I don't have suicidal thoughts.
I don't know that this would help, but it's okay because we're not actually discussing this. You two moved on before I finished what I wanted to say. I feel like people do that a lot to me, but it's okay because I have other people who will listen to what I have to say when you won't.

So it's okay. We don't have to argue. I win because I am stating my piece and I don't have to worry about you arguing with me because you're not here AND BONUS you don't even know this exists.

But you don't lose, because that'd be unfair. This isn't a win or lose situation. This is a me explaining what I think one people may not understand about me.

My whole life is dictated by my faith. When I lose my faith, I become depressed. I've never lost it completely, though.

If I didn't have my faith, you wouldn't see me skipping around the way I do. I wouldn't be in your faces bugging you and teasing you and letting you know how much I care. I sincerely believe i would keep to myself an enormous amount.

I do all these things because I believe in this God.

Sometimes, yeah, I stray away from what's right, but I always come back. I wouldn't ever come back if I didn't have any faith.

And because I have faith in God, I have faith in you and you and you and you and all of you: even though you're crazy, even though you're hyper, even though you there told my secrets I still have faith in you.
I think I try to have at least a smidgen of faith in everybody.
And maybe they'll have a smidgen of faith in me?

Everything I do is in the name of the Lord, but not everything I do speaks well for Him. No, I'm not perfect. No, I don't always do the right thing but I try really hard. No, I don't try hard enough. I can always try harder. Anyone can always try harder at anything.

I really must go to bed now though.

No, I don't have suicidal thoughts.
No, I've never had suicidal thoughts.
Yes, I believe there is a great chance I will go my whole life without suicidal thoughts.
Yes, it's all because of my faith.

I was once in a state of depression. I give the credit of my release from that state to my peers, friends, and family for keeping on moving and To the world for keeping on moving on around me. I sincerely believe that current pulled me back into happiness.

But that current was made by the Lord, or so I believe. I believe those people, those peers, those teachers, my family, this world was made by God and therefore, he pulled me out.

You all who were there, you pulled me out. God pulled me out through you.

I must go now. Good night. <3

#175

Last night, I was lonely. Tonight, I'm not really lonely and I wasn't even before I started talking to people on Facebook. I still miss my boyfriend...an awful whole lot...but I'm not lonely.

#165

Oh dear Lord. So help me, God.

Gaaaaaahhhh

#163

Sometimes by the time the end of the day rolls around, I become so annoyed with all my friends around me. They're too loud, they're too huggy, they're too THERE. Not all the time, mind you, but sometimes it all becomes too much and I just feel this constant annoyance with mostly all of you.

Now, that doesn't mean you should stop talking to me at the end of the day or even when I look annoyed if you wouldn't have before. All it means is this is how I feel, but you probably shouldn't change anything that you do. You probably shouldn't change because I still remember that my friends are there for me and only mean the best even when I'm down and out and mad. Even when I don't act the absolute kindest towards them, in the end, they're always there for me, and that's one thing I always remember because of it.

#156

Right now, I HATE IT that even a couple of my friends can come on here and read my blog and that they do.

One was always okay.

Three won't be okay everyday.

This is my place for my most personal thoughts and I can say anything I want to on here, but when you know that people you know are going to read it, that all changes.

I just want to be able to say what I want and not be afraid that any of you are going to see it!

Screw yo

Curses.

...I don't really mean screw you and I didn't. That's why I crossed it out.

..see? If there was no one coming on here I wouldn't freaking CARE if I said screw you and didn't mean it. It wouldn't matter.
I'm going to cry.