#222

Look, my mom has told me to give up on you. My friends have told me I don't deserve you.
What am I supposed to do? Make my own decisions, right?
I just want to know if you're even interested anymore.

192

Actually...it's not so much that I try to not be dramatic..

I try REALLY HARD to not say the wrong thing. And then when I try not to say the wrong thing and I say something that I think might be the wrong thing I over think it and was already over thinking it to begin with and so I try to explain myself and it just makes it all convoluted and worse. And then i think about it forever and I don't forget until I say something. And I don't say anything because I feel like it doesn't matter to anyone else but me even though I worry that it does and so if I do say something you'll just think I'm weird and kind of bipolar and messed up and one of the last things I want you to think is that I'm bipolar because that's what the last guy thought by the end of it and although I know people who have signs of bipolarity it's not a thing to take lightly and there's no reason to accuse one of it and it did offend me but no that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the people I know who have it I mean theres something wrong, obviously, but not with them. And not with me. And this ^^ this is what happens. This ^^ is what happens when I try to explain stuff. It makes it worse because I didn't need to explain it in the first place but I think I do and then I leave stuff out and we've moved on and I'm still there and I'm still scared. And it's all because I'm very insecure. I feel super confident and lovely and happy with myself. I really do feel that way, but I also get real insecure sometimes and I always worry about saying the wrong thing to you. Not much to anybody else...kind of, but not really. And I think one thing is because I don't see you and texting isn't the easiest way to communicate and because (I know it's totally unfair to compare this to my previous situations but it's all I have to back up on) the last time I said a bunch of things wrong I lost him. And I don't want to lose you. And that's what has been going through my head. And I say a lot of stupid stuff. And maybe that wasn't the reason he stopped "liking me". Whatever. Why am I even talking about this anymore? ...it's because I talk about it so much on here because I over think stuff and I never get everything in my head out and so it comes back like this. And I have to get it out.
Anyways. Moving on. Moved on, actually. Besides my previous situations...I still have a hard time. I don't want anything I say to be taken the wrong way. And when I get nervous (simply nervous about being nervous or talking), I talk a lot. And the more I say, the more stupid things I say. So maybe I should just stop talking so much.

Besides, I like listening to your voice.

#179

No, silly boy, I can go my whole life without having suicidal thoughts. I know it's a huge norm for a huge percentage of the world's population but I, although I am not sure you would completely understand this, have my faith. I have my God. I have my religion.
Suicide, like cutting, is not an option for me.
To be depressed, to have feelings, no matter how extreme is indeed an option.

No, I've never had suicidal thoughts. I've thought about suicide and people who commit it and ways people commit suicide because I've read so many books where the characters considered suicide or got extremely close and I've watched so many movies where the characters are troubled in thar sense.

But, no, I've never thought suicidally about myself. I've wondered, yes, I've wondered how anyone could possibly bring themselves to kill themselves. I feel like if I did that I would immediately regret it and then it'd be too late.

And even now, as I talk about it, I am being serious--yes-- but I am neither scared nor leaning towards depression. Suicide is much too far outside of my realms.

I am too afraid of death to ever commit such a thing. Plus, it is too far wedged into my mind that suicide is a cowardly act committed by people who cannot deal with their life and are not brave or strong enough to move forward in this life. ... This does not mean that I believe I am superior to people who commit suicide. This does not mean people who commit suicide are completely weak; they are not. They just had that one weakness and it so happened to lead to their death.

LISTEN TO ME. BOY.

I know you don't believe in God, but I do.
LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE.

You know this girl, right here, sitting in her house, thinking of you as she so often does, right? You know me, I am your peer and I am one of your loyal friends who will miss you SOOOO MUCH when you move next year.
I listen to you, I see the good in you when others don't, and I make you smile as you make me smile.

But enough about you. You know me. You know my smile and my laugh that you at least catch a glimpse of every day?
You know that CRAZY CRAZY atleastslightlyhyper girl? You know me.
You know how I seem to usually be in a good mood and my bad ones usually don't last that long?

NEWSLFLASH:
That wouldn't be me if I didn't have my faith.
My faith shines through with every waking moment. Every positive thing I do. Every positive thing I say. Every time I ask for a hug or let you give me one.
That, right there, is my faith shining through.

The reason I'm explaining this is because I don't think you would believe me if I just simply told you that I don't have suicidal thoughts.
I don't know that this would help, but it's okay because we're not actually discussing this. You two moved on before I finished what I wanted to say. I feel like people do that a lot to me, but it's okay because I have other people who will listen to what I have to say when you won't.

So it's okay. We don't have to argue. I win because I am stating my piece and I don't have to worry about you arguing with me because you're not here AND BONUS you don't even know this exists.

But you don't lose, because that'd be unfair. This isn't a win or lose situation. This is a me explaining what I think one people may not understand about me.

My whole life is dictated by my faith. When I lose my faith, I become depressed. I've never lost it completely, though.

If I didn't have my faith, you wouldn't see me skipping around the way I do. I wouldn't be in your faces bugging you and teasing you and letting you know how much I care. I sincerely believe i would keep to myself an enormous amount.

I do all these things because I believe in this God.

Sometimes, yeah, I stray away from what's right, but I always come back. I wouldn't ever come back if I didn't have any faith.

And because I have faith in God, I have faith in you and you and you and you and all of you: even though you're crazy, even though you're hyper, even though you there told my secrets I still have faith in you.
I think I try to have at least a smidgen of faith in everybody.
And maybe they'll have a smidgen of faith in me?

Everything I do is in the name of the Lord, but not everything I do speaks well for Him. No, I'm not perfect. No, I don't always do the right thing but I try really hard. No, I don't try hard enough. I can always try harder. Anyone can always try harder at anything.

I really must go to bed now though.

No, I don't have suicidal thoughts.
No, I've never had suicidal thoughts.
Yes, I believe there is a great chance I will go my whole life without suicidal thoughts.
Yes, it's all because of my faith.

I was once in a state of depression. I give the credit of my release from that state to my peers, friends, and family for keeping on moving and To the world for keeping on moving on around me. I sincerely believe that current pulled me back into happiness.

But that current was made by the Lord, or so I believe. I believe those people, those peers, those teachers, my family, this world was made by God and therefore, he pulled me out.

You all who were there, you pulled me out. God pulled me out through you.

I must go now. Good night. <3