#231

You missed 2013
All of you
and all of me.
Here is my apology
before I go to finish my essay for English 11 AP.
Yes, I am a junior
No, I am not dating Sir Some Guy,
of course not,
yes, I have a boyfriend,
by name of Chappers.
No, it is not easy
and
no, it is not even always good
but somehow it is here
and somehow I got here at 1:almost20 in the morning
and I just thought as long as I was awake like this
and typing
I might as well say hello
because this mattered once upon a time
so much
that it still matters today
and now that I've been gone so long
it matters even more.

3/5/14 1:18 AM

#210

I just finished watching that movie that ABC FAMILY made last year... Cyberbully. With Emily Osment in it.
From the first climax on, (won't share for spoiler reasons) I cried for the next ten minutes straight and the rest of the movie on and off...
I'm not being bullied...but I'm being hurt.
And things hit home.

My shirt is covered in snot from the top of my chest to my belly button
In a sort of a "v" shape
The ends of my hair, where they rested in the current of snot and drool pouring out of me and down the path of my shirt, are sticky. And wet.
My right arm, where it rested over my abdomen, is also covered in a layer of sticky saliva. And snot.
My hand, it kept clutching my side as I sobbed and sobbed and cried.
I don't think you understand.
But I felt her pain when she said she didn't see a reason to even try anymore. I don't want to kill myself. I just want this to be over.
I don't want to be without you, my dear boyfriend, but I can't do this like this much longer.
Demi is right: I have to give my heart a break.
Or, well, no, that's me that's right..
I'm shaking.
My chest feels like its getting chapped from the wet laying on it for so long.
I am not bothering to take this shirt off.
WILL YOU JUST BE ANOTHER WHO IS SORRY BUT LEAVES ANYWAYS?
YOU AREN'T WORTH IT THEN! IF THAT'S THE CASE YOU AREN'T WORTH IT.
But it wouldn't even matter if that was the case... Because you'd already be gone like the LAST GUY.
The snot and drool has soaked through my shirt and is subsiding on a thick layer on both sides of my shirt.
This too gross for you?
Go find something else to read. Something happy and sweet that won't bother you then.
If this is too much for you, that's sad.
That's really really sad.
You know what else is really really sad?
This is too much for me.
But at least I can handle my own words.
I love him.
But I love myself too...
I just want to find my phone so I can call you and hear your voice and hang up.
...

#206

Magpie #117


Picture here.

A meal takes place
An empty space
Sitting in a bowl
Sotting and rotting and ceramically whole.
The fruit lays just behind.
Out of reach, not out of mind, for those who care to dare to sit
At this meal
And then,
Comes the decision
"the sun goes down
the stars go out"
Reach for the fruit, unforbidden,
Though still daunting
Simply, inexplicably because there's a choice
And there never was one before,
Just maybe,
Our "universe will never be the same"
Or we could just leave and wait
Wait
For someone to decide instead
Or to place it within a reaching point.

Magpie Tales

#204

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want..."

Shit! I'm supposed to be at Chamber Singers practice.

"He maketh me lie down in green pastures..."

I can't believe I forgot!

"He leadeth me besideth still waters.."

It started a whole freaking hour ago.

"He restoreth my soul..."

I hope they don't get mad at me.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."

Okay, I'm not worried about the teachers. But what if I get in trouble with my student leader?

"I will fear no evil..."

That would be an awful way to start out the year. I can't believe I forgot. I'm so stupid.

"For thou art with me..."

But maybe they'll cut me some slack since its only my first practice.

"Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..."

And I'm only a freshman.

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies..."

Oh, but the best conversations with a friend are the ones during which you tell your most personal ways of being. And the ones you can't figure out by yourself, you figure out together.

"Thou anointest my head with oil..."

Because the best thing I want for you is for you to be truly happy and truly you.

"My cup overfloweth..."

However, do remember that you can never do anything to be any more you.

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me..."

I have to tell you that tomorrow.

"All the days of my life..."

I guess I don't have to, but I want to some day soon.

"And I will live in the house of the Lord forever."

And we'll all be okay, you know.

#202

Dear God,

Please protect Puppy. I see that she is gone. I regret! I regret so much that we didn't go ahead and find her a home because at least then I'd see her again! I am so disappointed in myself! I wish she had stayed. I still have a little hope that she will come back or that she's not really gone, but I bet she followed the air-conditioner-fixer guy out of the gate and down the road and I bet he didn't see her.

I ask, please! Please don't let her get run over or starve in the woods!
I love Puppy! And I'm going to miss her.

If we had given her away... I at least would have known that she was in good hands and being treated well.

Her food and water bowls are still on the porch and the door is open so it's as if she was never there. The sun is setting and she is gone and we have no idea where she is. And now I'm scared. I'm scared and sad and angry.
I think I will take my anger out on my drawing/painting of my pig head, the Lord of the Flies, for the Lord of the Flies project for English since it's supposed to be so gruesome and dark anyways.
I wish I had taken more pictures of her. I regret not giving her another bath.

I regret not being able to sit outside with her again. I regret not being able to take the time to let her lick me all over and cover me in that slightly gross, but comforting layer of saliva and even let her lick me in the mouth. When she licks me in the mouth is disgusting...but it's also pretty funny and kinda cute.

I really miss her! And I won't be okay about it for a while I think. But maybe I'll eventually come to accept it. Until then, please hear my prayer, God. I know you will. I just hope she comes back.

Love,
Kitty.

Dear Puppy,
I miss you! I hope you are okay! I hope so much that someone found you who can take better care of you than we could! I really hope that you weren't run over or that you're lost in the woods!
I really do love you. And I know you love me too. I miss you now!
You were so good... You know... For being an untrained puppy and all.

I'm going to miss you a lot! I think Hook will get old again. You were like his fountain of youth, but, I mean, he is an old dog. Maybe one day I will find you. I think I'll eventually see you again. I do believe Heaven will have you in it.

Until I see you when I see you or until I withhold this strong grip on the desire to write you again, take care of yourself and stay safe, okay?
I love you, you adorable, wonderful little puppy. And I also regret not seeing you grow.

Love love love,
Kelsey

#185

Ohh, but a laugh.
As precious as a flower.
'Tis not what's in a name.
'Tis what is in a laugh with an open hand beside it.

#179

No, silly boy, I can go my whole life without having suicidal thoughts. I know it's a huge norm for a huge percentage of the world's population but I, although I am not sure you would completely understand this, have my faith. I have my God. I have my religion.
Suicide, like cutting, is not an option for me.
To be depressed, to have feelings, no matter how extreme is indeed an option.

No, I've never had suicidal thoughts. I've thought about suicide and people who commit it and ways people commit suicide because I've read so many books where the characters considered suicide or got extremely close and I've watched so many movies where the characters are troubled in thar sense.

But, no, I've never thought suicidally about myself. I've wondered, yes, I've wondered how anyone could possibly bring themselves to kill themselves. I feel like if I did that I would immediately regret it and then it'd be too late.

And even now, as I talk about it, I am being serious--yes-- but I am neither scared nor leaning towards depression. Suicide is much too far outside of my realms.

I am too afraid of death to ever commit such a thing. Plus, it is too far wedged into my mind that suicide is a cowardly act committed by people who cannot deal with their life and are not brave or strong enough to move forward in this life. ... This does not mean that I believe I am superior to people who commit suicide. This does not mean people who commit suicide are completely weak; they are not. They just had that one weakness and it so happened to lead to their death.

LISTEN TO ME. BOY.

I know you don't believe in God, but I do.
LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE.

You know this girl, right here, sitting in her house, thinking of you as she so often does, right? You know me, I am your peer and I am one of your loyal friends who will miss you SOOOO MUCH when you move next year.
I listen to you, I see the good in you when others don't, and I make you smile as you make me smile.

But enough about you. You know me. You know my smile and my laugh that you at least catch a glimpse of every day?
You know that CRAZY CRAZY atleastslightlyhyper girl? You know me.
You know how I seem to usually be in a good mood and my bad ones usually don't last that long?

NEWSLFLASH:
That wouldn't be me if I didn't have my faith.
My faith shines through with every waking moment. Every positive thing I do. Every positive thing I say. Every time I ask for a hug or let you give me one.
That, right there, is my faith shining through.

The reason I'm explaining this is because I don't think you would believe me if I just simply told you that I don't have suicidal thoughts.
I don't know that this would help, but it's okay because we're not actually discussing this. You two moved on before I finished what I wanted to say. I feel like people do that a lot to me, but it's okay because I have other people who will listen to what I have to say when you won't.

So it's okay. We don't have to argue. I win because I am stating my piece and I don't have to worry about you arguing with me because you're not here AND BONUS you don't even know this exists.

But you don't lose, because that'd be unfair. This isn't a win or lose situation. This is a me explaining what I think one people may not understand about me.

My whole life is dictated by my faith. When I lose my faith, I become depressed. I've never lost it completely, though.

If I didn't have my faith, you wouldn't see me skipping around the way I do. I wouldn't be in your faces bugging you and teasing you and letting you know how much I care. I sincerely believe i would keep to myself an enormous amount.

I do all these things because I believe in this God.

Sometimes, yeah, I stray away from what's right, but I always come back. I wouldn't ever come back if I didn't have any faith.

And because I have faith in God, I have faith in you and you and you and you and all of you: even though you're crazy, even though you're hyper, even though you there told my secrets I still have faith in you.
I think I try to have at least a smidgen of faith in everybody.
And maybe they'll have a smidgen of faith in me?

Everything I do is in the name of the Lord, but not everything I do speaks well for Him. No, I'm not perfect. No, I don't always do the right thing but I try really hard. No, I don't try hard enough. I can always try harder. Anyone can always try harder at anything.

I really must go to bed now though.

No, I don't have suicidal thoughts.
No, I've never had suicidal thoughts.
Yes, I believe there is a great chance I will go my whole life without suicidal thoughts.
Yes, it's all because of my faith.

I was once in a state of depression. I give the credit of my release from that state to my peers, friends, and family for keeping on moving and To the world for keeping on moving on around me. I sincerely believe that current pulled me back into happiness.

But that current was made by the Lord, or so I believe. I believe those people, those peers, those teachers, my family, this world was made by God and therefore, he pulled me out.

You all who were there, you pulled me out. God pulled me out through you.

I must go now. Good night. <3

#172

Wow. Okay, so I'm going with that I have posted 169 posts from the very beginning.
Obviously, I have not posted every day but I often (as you may know) post more than once a day.

...wow. Okay... 365 x 2 =...730 days... That means one post every (about) 4.32 days.

Wow. Okay.

I'm gonna follow myself throughout the past two years. ...
Let's go for a ride, guys. ...



Year One. Post One:

#1

Where do I belong?

Do I belong no where?

Nothing?

Can anyone tell me?

No.....

I have to find it myself, don't I?

Gee thanks world...

Gee thanks...

Soo... I was pretty much lost. I had just come out of a break up and it was my first ever too. I really liked him! I really, truly did! I loved him. But it didn't work out and you know, it's for the better really. Most things are. And other than that, I was just depressed. A lot of things happened that year that weren't very good and were actually quite life-changing. My dad went to rehab for the first time the previous spring (I know, I know, I've gone through this before soooo much... But some of you haven't been here that long), a good friend of mine would not be coming back to school (and neither would her three brothers) because their dad (who STILL HAS enough freaking money) wouldn't pay for them to go to Webbkinz because it's so expnesive. ..., then my really close friend's mom died (this is a familiar story, right? Riiiight.), and then I broke his heart later in the year after going throu struggles with him and another guy friend (who was the guy that ended up being my boyfriend.), and then it was all happy and then two months later he broke up with me. And SOOO.... I got depressed.
NOO... It's not "I got depressed". It's more like... I BECAME depressed. It just happened. I didn't succumb to it, it happened and I didn't realize anything was so drastically different until a little while in. So, yeah, that's where I was then. I was depressed and looking for answers to questions i didn't have. I was trying to find a place... I was trying to ask questions. I... I don't really know how to explain it. But I will a different day. Just not now because this is already so long... And I have a bio test to study for that I have tomorrow.

Year One. Last Post:

#58

57 minutes left on my computer.
57 posts about my world.
48 minutes now left.
time seems to fly too fast, it's so absurd.
Larry's mother telling me it's so good to see me.
So it must have been God leading me that way.
To pick up the pens, put them back where they belong,
and now I ponder the words that she said.
Because here and now, to now and then, happens every scary second that passes every scary time.
Because soon and when, to when and gone, comes whether you want it to or not.
1 hour, 12 minutes left on my computer.
Only time will tell if we can go all back in time.
1 hour, 10 minutes left on my computer.
Not a very good example of the world, I guess.
Because you can't go back.
You can't change anything.
Accept it Accept it Accept it.
You must.
Or you'll never see the light.
Back to 1 hour, 12 minutes left on my computer.
and now 1 hour, 10 minutes left right afterwards.
It's not right.
It's not fair.
...
Life doesn't care.
And it can't help it.
'Cause it's time.
1/2/11

--Wow. 2011. It's really really 2011. This will take some getting used to...Even if I don't want to. Because I will. I can't help it. 'Cause it's time.

Okay, so here I wasn't thinking at all about my depression. I had been out of it for... Well over six months. I know this is from January, but that was the last time I posted until the 11th of March. And then I realized around #s 60 and 61 that I had missed the first birthday of my blog. ... I was pretty bummed. But here we are. And I didn't miss it this time, so that's okay.

Here, I was getting used to it being 2011. Now I'm completely used to it being 2012. For the most part anyways ....
And all of these posts were from my laptop...

I'm writing on my iPad right now.

Here, I wasn't talking about my depression or how I felt or anything. I was simply stating facts and my beliefs and talking about and to the general public. This time, I wasn't asking questions. I was giving my word to you. I was being a lot less selfish. Being selfish in the sense I was being isn't necessarily bad, but it's just kinda cool to see how my point of view changed over all that time. It changed a lot over those 365 days. I was now nearing the end of my 8th grade year. We hadn't gone on the DC trip yet.



.....
......

I will go on to year two tomorrow because I need to study for my bio test. I love this place with all of my heart and am forever grateful to it.

Yeah, that's right, I'm not thanking you, the reader. I'm thanking this PLACE this time.

Thank you, this place. You ARE THE BEST THERAPIST.

#162

I swear, the scariest place to be is in my mind. I wouldn't ever want anyone to have to be in my mind at the scariest moments.
There have been two times that I have panic attacks because my mind has made up something that I've done.

One was a while ago and reoccured twice. The other happened just over the last weekend. I think I woke up Saturday and felt like this. Yeah, it was Saturday.

1. The first time this happened, I woke up and realized that I had done something horribly wrong in my dream. I knew it has been a dream and that I was awake now and okay, but the utter rawness of being alone in my bed with only my pillows and my mind to distract me allowed me to be competely consumed by what I had done. I had allowed for thousands upon thousands of people to die for a cause. I had not killed them myself but I had relayed or made the order that sentenced them to death, knowing full well, that they were going to die because of what I was going to do. Thousands upon thousands of innocent people died on my watch, and I didn't even do anything about. I didn't even really care tha much. Even when I woke up, I was so scared. I was mortified. I wasn't even mortified; I was more like traumatized. I couldn't grasp the fact that I wouldn't actually do that in real life, I could only comprehend the fact that I had willingly killed thousands upon thousands of people. I couldn't move from my bed and I couldn't get it out of my head that I had killed all these people. I kept asking myself, "How could you do that? Why would you kill all those people?" I was scared of myself, and that's an understatement. I was traumatized by myself. Being scared of oneself could easily be the worst feeling in the world because you can't get away from yourself no matter what you do. I mean, I guess you could kill yourself, but that wouldn't fix the problem because you'd just be dead. If my situation was in a movie, I would have woken up screaming or in a cold sweat. And the sweat and/or screaming wouldn't have stopped for what I bet was about 15 minutes. I'm serious. It felt like an hour or more, but fifteen minutes is a lot anyways. Fifteen minutes is a fricking long time to be laying in bed, trying to shut yourself out by closing your eyes and taking deep breaths. I don't remember how I calmed down. I was scared out of my mind but it was all in my mind. I knew it was all in my mind! And that seemed to scare me even more! I don't really understand what was happening to me. This reoccured, like I said, two more times. And then recently (as in over last weekend recently), I had another panic attack with the same feelings only it was based more towards my religious instead of flat-out, generalized moral beliefs.

I don't want anyone to ever have to feel the way I did. I was tossing and turning and couldn't go back to sleep no matter how hard I tried. I was afraid I would kill more people anyways, so I guess it didn't matter that I didn't go back to sleep for a while. But it DID matter!

I couldn't go to sleep and I couldn't stay awake. I even tried getting up and walking around my room. Oh, how I begged for the sun to come out as soon as possible. The darkness consumed me like my mind. It squeezed itself through and past my eardrums, behind my eyes, and covered my mouth and nose. I couldn't breathe easily.

I heard somewhere recently that when one has a panic attack, the first thing you/your body thinks is that you're dying.
I guess ... I guess that's how I felt during this. That could be a way to explain or describe it. But it wasn't so much that I was dying because of physical pain (but I don't think that's what the person meant anyways). I was more dying because I was going out of my mind.
I'd almost rather die of physical pain, at least you know what's going on.

#152

Well I decided not to go to the dance because I'm so tired and miserable.

...

But we still bought tickets at the door. Actually, my brother did because I was so upset that I wouldn't even get out of the car and walk to the door.

#150

This is so depressing...reading over the stuff I just wrote.

So... I'm going to leave now. And not read it.
I'm not trying to depress myself (or anyone else for that matter). I'm just trying to relieve myself.

That's what this blog is for, you know.
In the end, I'm the one who benefits far more from it all than anyone else out there.
Or, at least, thats how I feel right now.

#149

Oh, would you look at that.
I am totally the anime girl up top right now. All stormy around. Crying.
Yeah, not crying yet.
But it's a'coming.

I'll be all right. Just not tonight.

#148

Don't really feel like going to school or making any movements tomorrow that even suggest that I'm alive. Laying in bed sounds all day really good right now. Sounds better than most everything else. 

Except for a hug.

But other than a hug, I'd love to lay in bed and forget the world for a little while.
At least I don't have a biology test tomorrow.

Oh wait, but I have a Spanish test. Watch me fail. Just watch me.
You don't have to do anything else.

It's almost 1 am and I don't have hardly any of my homework done.
Yeah. Whatever. Fine.

#147

I am so tired.
Just so so tired.
I don't want to go to the dance tomorrow.
I know Hupy on a slightly more personal level...
But hardly anyone I'm close with is going.
Then there's the grinding...and well all know I'm not getting into that, right?
Well, now you do know.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!

I wish somebody would go with me. Did you know I've been looking forward to a Sadie Hawkins dance since middle school? Well, too bad it's Webbkinz kids only. No people from different schools.
Oh, and well too bad no one you know is coming.

I want to go and support him... Just... ARGH

I need a huge, huge hug.
So I think I'll get one from Chappers tomorrow.
Because he's the only one who's really bigger than me.

I've needed it for the past two days.
And, yeah, hugs are great from people.... But sometimes you just need a really big hug.

I just. Am so. Tired.

And I still have to do my homework!

Ever since I returned from NYC I've felt awful. Awfully tired. Awfully behind. Awfully awfully awful.
I've been stressed about what to do on Friday for over the past 24 hours.

Maybe I should just go home after the game and not do anything else.
Just go home.
And sleep.
And cry. If I need to.

#144

Before the previous post, I was just thinking about this ..which may or may not be true. 'Tis still a thought, though:

All our lives, while we go through school the men and women running the school push us to do well. They not only push us, the children, to do well, but they push us to make friends, congratulate us when we do, and convince us that this is the best support group you could possibly have in these years of our lives.

But then they go and say, "Oh, wait. All this trust you worked so hard for? Yeah, it's going to disappear in a few years when you all go off to college. You'll never see each other again and your relationships won't ever be as close as they were."
So the men and women just set up the children for heartbreak and sadness and tears when we go across the stage when we graduate, right?

Heartless ideas. Sure, maybe there should be sacrifices in life, but these? That's not what we want! And we don't even have a choice. It's much too late now.

...

And I was thinking... You could think about it that way and be miserable for most of your life.
Or you could look at all life in a positive manner.
I don't believe the above is something anyone has tried to do the educated children of the world. Not at all. It was just a thought.
Something to think about.

#138

YEEEESSSSSSSS!! HEY GUESS WHAT GUYS???!!

Singkittyle000 is not a single kitty anymore!!!! :)))

Hey.. Remember that time a girl's heart got broken and she decided to make a blog to help her get through her depression? And remember that time a girl was crying on the inside and wished somebody would notice? And remember that time a girl felt so alone that she couldn't find a place to turn to? But remember that time that a girl found people who cared on this very blog? And remember when she grew and grew and became happy again?
Remember when that girl wondered if she would ever have a crush on somebody again? Maybe not, because she didn't tell you.
But remember when a girl was well into 3 months after a relationship had ended and still wasn't completely broken off from it?
But remember when she woke up from that dream and she was over it? Remember when she woke up and sat straight up and said she was done?

Remember when this school year started and she met these AMAZING friends--guys and girls--that she absotootenly loves? And remember when she loved all the guys, but not in an intimate sort of way? She does. And she still loves them. And the girls, of course. But my brother has a point that can be argued: Boys are more entertaining than girls. I'm not agreeing and I'm not disagreeing. Just sayin'.

Remember when she met people and met people and made friends and had little crushes on people she met? Remember when she met a guy at a band gig where she was taking pictures for a friend of the family?
Remember when she had that awesome New Year's Eve night? Well she saw that guy there too. And he gave her his number. And, no, she didn't have a crush on him then, but he must have liked her that way at least a little.

Remember when she started texted him everyday? Well, no, I don't think you do. Because she didn't tell you. But she did.

Remember when this girl, right here, was absolutely heartbroken? Do you remember that? I do. I do I do I do I do. Remember when she was scared all those times? And not just because of a guy.

Remember when this girl realized she was hurting herself when she pulled at her skin? Remember when she began to grow ashamed of it? Remember when she couldn't walk on her heels and had to walk only on the balls of her feet because it hurt so bad otherwise? Remember when she taught herself to walk on them anyways? Remember when she had to run like that? Remember when she got warts on her hands and picked at them until they bled? Remember that one time in chapel this year when she picked at the one on her palm so much it started bleeding all over the place and she hid it in her sweatshirt sleeve and prayed to God that nobody would notice? And it was all over her hand?
Remember a few months ago when she picked so much at her lips that the blood was all over her forefinger and her thumb and all over her mouth and she looked like a vampire? Remember when she prayed that nobody would walk in on her while she was cleaning up?

Remember that moment when she was really ashamed for not stopping herself? Remember when she was scared? Gosh, she's scared right now for someone to see this. But remember when she decided not to be ashamed anymore? I do. I do!
That sucked, what she did to herself. But remember when she talked to that awesome girl who felt like she was alone? And rememb when she... Oh my gosh.

Remember when she broke her friends' hearts? Remember that? This year and two years ago? Remember that? But remember when we all moved on? I do! And even if all of you haven't moved on yet, there will be a girl out there who loves you more than I ever could.

Remember when .... When. When I had boyfriend?

Do you remember that?

Haha, I do. :)

Oh, and this girl knows something that you don't remember. ;)
You don't remember because she hasn't told you yet.

I remember when I got a boyfriend in 2012.

I was right guys! This is the party year!
I have so many reasons to party haha!
Yesss I am so excited! It took 2 years to get here. But I think this is the most excited I've been in a verrrryyyy long time. <3

#125

I've been okay with it. And I've been accepting of it. But here we go again. There it went again. I just broke another friend's heart. I can't quite believe it as I listen to this song.

Dear-friend,

You were the first dear friend I called dear-friend on here!
That's for a reason! I care about you so much! And I would miss you.

...

:___(

I'm so sorry. I'm so so so so so sorry. I'm so so sos SOS so so so so so so so so so so so sorry!
You trusted me and I let you down.
I hope you will forgive me. I hope we won't grow detached as much as it seems the last one turned out.

I can't quite believe that I've done this again.
I need to wallow in this for a little... I feel... I fell... I feel.. to perfectly and wholely appreciate it.

*Bluebird by Christina Perri*
*with sirens fading in the background*

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How does it do that?
How could I expect you to do that.
How?
How could I expect you to know...
How to teach itself to start ... Beating again?

I know you might have been through something like this before. But that doesn't mean you know. That doesn't mean I would know. Or that anybody else would know.

This little bluebird... Came looking for you. I said that I hadn't seen you in quite some time. But I don't want this to happen.
This little bluebird... She came looking again. Please don't let us ever not be friends. But of course there'd be no reason for me to say she couldn't have you. Don't tell her she can't have you because your heart is set on someone else who won't love you back or can't love you back when you know that deep down inside of you, this bluebird is much better for you than that girl.

Don't you know that I know it was hard?
It was for me.
I know that a part of you died.
But it would have been such a lie if I had said yes.
And in the end we would have ALL cried.

I promise you'll find your little bluebird. Or big as the case may be. Or medium.
And she won't give it a rest. About you. She'll adore you and love you more than any other girl (except your momma) before her.
And for her, you'll be better than all the rest.
And for you, she'll be better than all the rest.
But you being for me as of now? No, no, you've got it all wrong. If I was going to be worth your time that way, I wouldn't be rewriting this song.

And don't you know I know it was hard.
I knew it would be for me too.
And I promise it was, even if it didn't seem that way.
I know that a part of you died.
But it would have been such a lie if I said yes.
And in the end, even more of us would have cried.

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How do you tell yourself and your heart that you have to start keeping on moving on and have to start beating again?
Well, I'm pretty sure it's not that simple.

But what if you don't move on?
What if when she comes over I am all you think about?
And you're thinking about me and I'm taking away from all she wants in you.
And what if it happens again?
What if it had happened before?


How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
How do you frickin' teach yourself to start beating again?
HOW DO YOU EXPECT YOUR FRIENDS TO START BEATING AND MOVING ON AGAIN AFTER YOU'VE BROKEN THEM? How could I expect....

How the h-e-double hockey sticks does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart?
Maybe you teach yourself to start beating again because you have to.
You probably do it because you're strong. I know you are strong. You are my friend and I know you are.
You can teach yourself to start beating again.
You will teach yourself to start beating again.
I know you can always, foreve and always, my dear-friend, teach yourself to start beating again.

I believe in you.

And maybe the next little bluebird... Will stop coming around. And not because of me. And not because of you. Just because she beats and moves...
And if you need me, please remember that all you need do is look.
And if I feel that you need a friend, or I need a friend, I know that all I need do is look.

And I'll find you.

#110

Have you ever seen the sun shining so beautiful, colorful....wonderful?
Have you ever seen the sky so perfectly raining down over you and me?
Have you ever wanted more? Don't you know there's so much mo-ore?
You've got to keep your mind wide open.
All the possibilities.
You've got to live with your eyes open. Believe in what you see...

Tomorrow's horizon. Full of surprises. Don't let your dreams go to waste.
You've got to keep your mind wide open.
All the possibilities.
You've got to live with your eyes open. Believe in what you see.

Have you ever stared at a friend request button on a Facebook page, or a message button or follow on a blog, or a send button on an email, or a send button on a phone-whether it's for texting or a call--, or a post button on a blog and just stared at it like, "I want to reach contact with this person, but I'm still not pressing this button."?

I've found that one can be very confused by that. Such as I.

And here I am, trying to figure that out, exactly.

Am I just afraid of rejection? I guess so. But let's answer yes or no. No in-between. I'll have to choose but that's okay. and this goes for YOU too. Maybe you can use this if you ever feel this way.

Am I afraid of rejection? Yes
Am I afraid of being disappointed? Yes
Am I afraid they won't be who I think they are? Yes

Have you ever been afraid for no reason? I think have. But when it's for "no reason" I think I mean the fear is only in my head.

Because usually, people seem to really like me.
And I suppose it's just all in my head.
Maybe I'll be ready by the end of the week.

But please don't just wait around for someone to text you.

Trust me, it drives you crazy.

So I study. :)
Or something else.

#109

And you wonder...

Could that really be ME again?
Could I really FEEL that way again?

I hoped and I figured it would come back sometime soon, as in the next four years soon.
But I did not know of anyone who it could count for.

And--oh my gosh-- it's just like those teenager posts on tumblr.
Every single one of them.
I can relate.

I have all these flashbacks about things I want to forget.
I mean, seriously, what happened to closure?

And, yeah, they go away, but they often come back.

And, because of those posts, I remember to not regret something if it made me happy. And to not do something if it doesn't make me happy.
Even if it wouldn't make me happy now...

Well, the mind's a funny thing. I'm still the same me that I was back whenever. Although I have changed.

And doesn't it just bring you down when there's a bad mood in your house?
But I must fight it this time.
I don't want to go back into that dirty dirty hole. Where I have been once before.

Im really sad because I'm not going to get to help a super 6th grader tomorrow.

#108

Just a poem I wrote today::

Upon Mouse


How do you know,
when the moon gets this low,
that the day will be simply okay?
Do you pick?
Do you prod?
Through your incompetent nog'?
And decide your decision's all-knowing?
Or do you strain through the strife?
Travel without your night light?
And since you are so mature,
just keep going?
And so then when you stand,
like the other kids do,
but instead see the cold as it's blowing,
do you turn back the time
to an omniscient mind,
thus realizing the tough times must get going?
I feel you mayn't understand,
oh,
just the lesson I planned
to come out my vociferous mouth.
But never don't fear,
for your lesson is here
standing upon cheese
upon cheese
upon mouse.

-January 9, 2012. 4:46 pm.