#230

Happy almost New Year! I am so sorry I haven't been on here very much...

I just wanted to say something..

For Once In my life... I'm actually ready for the New Year.

I think I'm just really ready for another star over.
I'm absolutely positive that I'm ready to celebrate all of 2012 and ultimately let go of it in the most accepting and peaceful way... much more peaceful than I had ever thought possible.
Soldier by Gavin DeGraw just started playing. This is perfect. This is what I mean. This is my celebration.
I'm also absolutely positive that I'm ready to celebrate the possibilities and the sure thing of all the great potential that I feel 2013 has to offer.
Last year I said 2012 would be a party year.
2013 too. In a different way, though, I think, than this one worked out.

I think it's good to think of each year as a party year; years focused on celebrating the positive are a good idea, I think.

This year I'm also not making any New Year's Resolutions... just a "What if?" list.

I'm just really ready.

This soldier is everything ready.
Everything.
and at the ready.

#228

Goodbye, Sir Some Guy.
Thanks for everything.
I grew and learned so much because of you.
Somehow, I think you might have a greater place in my heart of memories than the last guy. Not that he's much competition, but, hey.

Thank you.
So..
Until we meet again
or
To the death, my friend.

#227

Wow, this is awkward. I don't know what to tell people anymore if they decide to ask if I have a boyfriend or not.

#225

After all this time, there you go.
There you go
you have disappeared
and I am left to wonder
and wander
in this gray haze.
Are you gone for good?
Or are you ever coming back?
Am I supposed to wait on you?
Or am I allowed to move forward with my life?

Sir Some Guy, I always loved you. And I still care about you,
But waiting three weeks for you to text or call me back is a bit much.
I would start over for you, but I won't wait forever for you.

If you want to break up, call me. If you don't want to break up, call me. If you don't want to call me, call me. If you're afraid I'll be mad, call me. Just whatever you do, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL ME FOR GOODNESS' SAKE LOOK ME UP IN THE PHONEBOOK OR SOMETHING TALK TO YOUR PARENTS IF YOU'RE GROUNDED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THERE AND SO I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO YOU AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON
I HAVE BEEN MAD AT YOU.
BUT I AM SO STEADILY--SLOWLY, BUT STEADILY--DRIFTING AWAY. BUT I'M NOT EVEN DRIFTING AWAY. I AM STAYING RIGHT HERE I JUST HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHERE YOU ARE AND WHETHER YOU'RE COMING BACK OR NOT. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH THIS SUCKS FOR ME? I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND THE ENORMITY OF THIS ISSUE.
YOU DON'T JUST SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR IT TO FEEL OKAY. AT THIS POINT IT WILL NEVER FEEL OKAY AND WHERE ARE WE THEN? OFFICIALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT TECHNICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY OUT?
WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU AND WHAT AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THIS TO ME? I AM ASHAMED TO TELL MY FRIENDS. I AM SO SO SAD AND DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BUT MOSTLY DISAPPOINTED. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. I DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE I FORGET ABOUT IT. I ALMOST RATHER YOU WOULD HAVE TEXTED ME AND BROKEN UP WITH ME THAT WAY INSTEAD OF LEAVING ME HANGING OUT HERE NOT KNOWING IF WE'RE BROKEN UP OR IF WE'RE STILL TOGETHER. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS SITUATION.
IT WAS GOING TO BE OKAY. IT WAS GOING TO GET BETTER AND EASIER BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GET MY LICENSE IN TWO WEEKS BUT ALMOST MY BIGGEST REASON FOR WORKING SO HARD ON THAT WAS YOU AND NOW THAT I CAN'T FIND YOU, IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE 45 MINUTES I DROVE YESTERDAY, MY HOURS OF DRIVING HAVE BEEN AT A STANDSTILL FOR A WEEK AND A HALF.
AND WHEN I HAD MY LICENSE, FOOTBALL SEASON WOULD HAVE BEEN CLOSE TO, IF NOT ALREADY, OVER AND YOU WOULD HAVE HAD MORE TIME AND WE COULD HAVE ACTUALLY GONE AND DONE SOMETHING TOGETHER.
AND IT WAS GOING TO GET BETTER. BUT YOU COULDN'T WAIT ANYMORE COULD YOU?
OR ARE YOU JUST GROUNDED?
OR DID YOU JUST LOSE YOUR PHONE?
THERE IS SUCH THING AS A PHONE BOOK, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, AND SUCH A THING AS YOUR MEMORY WHERE YOU HAVE MY LAST NAME STORED, AND SUCH A THING AS YOUR MOM'S MEMORY WHERE SHE MAY REMEMBER MY MOM'S NAME OH MY GOSH ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

There are SO many ways I could keep going with this, but for now...I just want you to promise me one thing other than if you see this that you will call me:
Promise me this one thing:

Promise me that you will never, EVER, walk over another girl the way you have walked all over me. Promise me that you'll treat the next girl you date with a little more respect, thankyouverymuch. When you want it to be over, call her and tell her, even if you know you'd both rather do that in person. If you lose your phone or get grounded for eternity (or something similar), promise me that you will try to find any way possible to get back in touch. Don't ever leave your future girlfriend(s) hanging for more than two weeks, even if your plan is to get them out of your life. You treat the girl who sacrificed her embarrassment, insecurities, I'll-just-keep-to-myself-ness, and desires to not get hurt again with more respect than that. She followed your heart for you, and this is how you repay her! She went out on a limb for you and you need to either chop that limb off with her or show her that you're still there. You don't just jump up to another limb or the next tree over. You give her the respect she deserves--the respect anyone deserves--and you don't do anything that would come off as ignoring her for three weeks.

So.. Call me. Call me and tell me what the heck is going on. Let me know if I'll ever see you again. Let me know if you are interested in starting over, because my interest has not completely faded.
I wasn't done with you. I had a few more dreams up my sleeve and pressed to my heart that had to do with you and you know it! You know it so well! On the other hand, if this applies, let me know if we need to saw this limb off the tree! I mean, seriously! Get a grip and take care of your business. I am your business until you saw me off and I am still here, intact and so is that fricking branch. Okay? Are you comprehending this metaphor?
Call me. Just call me call me call me. Don't text the girl: Call the girl. Even if you no longer want to kiss the girl.

And treat the next girl a little better. Thanks.

#203

I kinda don't want to leave my room now, for fear that Puppy will never again appear to me...

But like I said, I'm going to take this distress out on my painting.

I can feel the artistic, energetic juices flowing already. So i must do my science, get it done in these next ten minutes, pray a little more, and finish that project in the next two hours or so.

Then I will take a bath and dare to keep moving although I will still give myself time to grieve the loss of Puppy.

I guess I don't know for sure if she's really gone or not, but I just have this feeling.

#171

Ohh .. Well, I was two minutes off. But, hey, it was worth a shot.

Today is also International Women's Day. Can I get a WOOT WOOT??

Yeah, that's right. That's what I like to hear.

I'm sorry I get so cranky, friends. I really am. (And I really do get cranky! But especially when I get home...)

#169

OOOO OOOO OOOO
TOMORROW TOMORROW, I LOVE YA! TOMORROW! YOU'RE ONLY A DAAYY AAWAAAYYYY :)))

#168

Soooo... Today for track..

I bummed socks off of The Great Hot Goddess
Annnd
I bummed a watch off of Holmes. (he verrryyy reluctantly gave me his watch. I PROMISE I WON'T LOSE IT. I'VE GONE THIS FAR WITHOUT LOSING IT YOU'LL GET IT TOMORROW OH YOU WILL)


...ahh...I love my friends.

I'm so glad they let me bum things off of them.

And maybe this will help me redeem myself for slapping Holmes. He will never let me forget it.. DARN YOU CHAPPERS. If only I hadn't slapped you first.
Geez.


...(anyways, I feel better now. I'm ready to finish some of my homework and go to bed! Woo!)

Oh and ps. WEEE SAWWWW LEELEE TODAYYY!!!!
And the BrBratz twins, Lane"Bryant" and My-Awesome-Singing-Friend. Amazing people. Oh and I also saw LeeLee's bruthah, NateTheGreat... and I TOTALLY resisted the urge to poke his head. I did it, guys. I kept myself from poking his head. .... But only because he was talking to a girl and I have a slightly strict policy on mostly not poking his head when he's talking to a girl. :))

See ya! <3

#155

From my tumblr (http://hickitty.tumblr.com/post/18344306850/i-dont-think-ill-ever-understand-just-how-much-i-mean ):

I don't think I'll ever understand just how much I mean to people. ....

...


My friends, my followers, my teachers, my boyfriend.

Understanding that stuff from my family is easiest, but how about the rest?

I forget that my boyfriend and my friends believe in me, but then when they tell me it all comes rushing back: wave upon wave returns and I REMEMBER: OH You've said that before. You really mean it, don't you? You really do think I'm strong and you really do think I'm brave and you really do believe in me! I don't know why I forgot so easily, but I did!

And not just you, but others, have said that before! You all really believe in me, don't you?

And then, to my followers and subscribers and visitors .... I will never know how much what I blog and post and reblog will affect you.
Never in a million years, will i understand.

#154

I'm so surrounded by people who love me..... Oh my gosh.

It's slightly overwhelming; although, this overwhelming is nice and warm and fills me up.

I forget how much people care.

Take this: Year of 2012, Month of February, Realization of How Blessed I Truly Am To Have So Many Friends That Love Me And Tell Me Often.

I'll try really hard to not forget ever again. No perfect promises available; I'm sorry.

#153

I kind of realized what another huge part that was making me sad... I kind of realized what it was.

When I was at home, crying, last night or when I was close to tears, I knew my friends would make me feel better.
That's why I was so depressed that I won't see them until Monday.
Last night, I was certain that there would be a good chance I would cry today at school but I didn't. My friends.... I never cry around them unless it's really bad. It's not because I don't want to.. It's because they make me so happy.

For example, when I was putting my shoes on for track after school today, I was sitting on the floor in front of Chappers and Lexbri was sitting on the small table against the wall to my left and talking to someone (I forgot who) and I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but laugh either. A small laugh. A small smile, and then it quickly went away. But it was there.

That's when I realized how happy my friends make me.
And that being in NYC with them got me all used to being around them so much...
And then I was just let down this school week. It was one of the worst, even though it was only three days long.

Bt I'm going to sleep now so I can get up and watch We Are Augustines on Jimmy Kimmel Live at 11:45 tonight. Bye, I love you all.
-Kitty

#146

I have the best "fake" brothers in the world.

And I say "fake" in quotation marks because they don't include my real brother, but they still feel like brothers for the most part. I just don't live with them. That's probably a good thing. That's definitely a good thing.

But still. The best.
They're always there.

My girls are always there too.

But I'm talking about the guys here. :P
I absolutely love them.

I don't think I could hardly live without them.

#145

I'm so glad my the people I'm close to don't judge me for spending so much time with my guy friends.

Well... I don't think they do. I'm talking about my girl friends and my boyfriend...and my family I guess too.

They're so amusing though!

...but they've started to rub off on me. I mean, I guess that's what you get from walking around NYC with them for 4 days straight. And riding on the bus...oohh the bus ride. Oh dear. We won't speak about that ;P

But they have! It's awful! But I'm still absolutely wonderful.

I truly have the best friends. Guys and girls. That I have ever had in my life or that I feel I COULD POSSIBLY have in my whole life.

Brilliant, wonderful people even if you're annoying sometimes.
Even if you cross the line in a subway station, it's okay. I still love you even if nobody else does. :))) <3

#139

Magpie #103.


Link to picture here

Death. Red blood, sharp cornered, cornered in the middle death.
Life. Red roses, hands open, reaching towards the sky death.
Happy flowers scattered 'round.
Despair of sadness sticks to the ground.
Black marble drags the drumbeat on while mockingbirds and sparrows sing sadly along.

Your hands are open. Reach towards me. Things don't have to be how the seem to be.
You don't have to mourn.
You don't have to bleed.
Listen. Listen. Listen to me.
Please.
Please listen to me. Please stay here. I beg, I beg, I beg of you, my dear.
My dear, dear friend. My dear, dear friend.
Don't be sad. Okay, you can. But don't be sad forever, man.
I know your heart is broken. I know it's shattered in two. I know I can't say much to comfort because I have a boyfriend too.
I just wish... That you could see.
I wish you could see how much you mean to me. I love all my friends, this is true.
And you are my friend. So I love you!

I know that you are broken. And the future seems unclear. I know that it may suck right now. You thought it wouldn't get here.
You thought you had a chance. Believe me, I'm sure you had some.
But this girl, this mutual friend of ours, right now she's not the one.
Right now, for you, she's not any of the ones that you may date or be with for as long as forever may take...
I'm really, really sorry. And I hope you don't stay sad.
And I have hope because I believe that things won't stay this bad.
I saw a shadow of a smile on your face!
I saw you start to grin!
I saw I saw I saw I saw ... but I'd like to see it again...

I kind of know the way you feel. For I have felt things similar too...
I know, at least, I'm scared--always--of these things going through you.
Rejection. Loss. That someone will take it away before I get the chance. I have a plan, but what if then it's ripped right out of my hands?
I rip my hands and fingers too. I rip and tear at my heels.
I rip at my toes, and before I know it, it's bleeding. This is for reals.
It's not so bad, no, nowadays. It's not as bad as it was.
But still sometimes I bleed.
And sometimes.
I need.
A friend, like you.
And sometimes I cry.
And sometimes. I feel like I've died.
And sometimes I need.
A friend, like you.
A hug from you. Or a hug given to you. Just as the case may be.

#138

YEEEESSSSSSSS!! HEY GUESS WHAT GUYS???!!

Singkittyle000 is not a single kitty anymore!!!! :)))

Hey.. Remember that time a girl's heart got broken and she decided to make a blog to help her get through her depression? And remember that time a girl was crying on the inside and wished somebody would notice? And remember that time a girl felt so alone that she couldn't find a place to turn to? But remember that time that a girl found people who cared on this very blog? And remember when she grew and grew and became happy again?
Remember when that girl wondered if she would ever have a crush on somebody again? Maybe not, because she didn't tell you.
But remember when a girl was well into 3 months after a relationship had ended and still wasn't completely broken off from it?
But remember when she woke up from that dream and she was over it? Remember when she woke up and sat straight up and said she was done?

Remember when this school year started and she met these AMAZING friends--guys and girls--that she absotootenly loves? And remember when she loved all the guys, but not in an intimate sort of way? She does. And she still loves them. And the girls, of course. But my brother has a point that can be argued: Boys are more entertaining than girls. I'm not agreeing and I'm not disagreeing. Just sayin'.

Remember when she met people and met people and made friends and had little crushes on people she met? Remember when she met a guy at a band gig where she was taking pictures for a friend of the family?
Remember when she had that awesome New Year's Eve night? Well she saw that guy there too. And he gave her his number. And, no, she didn't have a crush on him then, but he must have liked her that way at least a little.

Remember when she started texted him everyday? Well, no, I don't think you do. Because she didn't tell you. But she did.

Remember when this girl, right here, was absolutely heartbroken? Do you remember that? I do. I do I do I do I do. Remember when she was scared all those times? And not just because of a guy.

Remember when this girl realized she was hurting herself when she pulled at her skin? Remember when she began to grow ashamed of it? Remember when she couldn't walk on her heels and had to walk only on the balls of her feet because it hurt so bad otherwise? Remember when she taught herself to walk on them anyways? Remember when she had to run like that? Remember when she got warts on her hands and picked at them until they bled? Remember that one time in chapel this year when she picked at the one on her palm so much it started bleeding all over the place and she hid it in her sweatshirt sleeve and prayed to God that nobody would notice? And it was all over her hand?
Remember a few months ago when she picked so much at her lips that the blood was all over her forefinger and her thumb and all over her mouth and she looked like a vampire? Remember when she prayed that nobody would walk in on her while she was cleaning up?

Remember that moment when she was really ashamed for not stopping herself? Remember when she was scared? Gosh, she's scared right now for someone to see this. But remember when she decided not to be ashamed anymore? I do. I do!
That sucked, what she did to herself. But remember when she talked to that awesome girl who felt like she was alone? And rememb when she... Oh my gosh.

Remember when she broke her friends' hearts? Remember that? This year and two years ago? Remember that? But remember when we all moved on? I do! And even if all of you haven't moved on yet, there will be a girl out there who loves you more than I ever could.

Remember when .... When. When I had boyfriend?

Do you remember that?

Haha, I do. :)

Oh, and this girl knows something that you don't remember. ;)
You don't remember because she hasn't told you yet.

I remember when I got a boyfriend in 2012.

I was right guys! This is the party year!
I have so many reasons to party haha!
Yesss I am so excited! It took 2 years to get here. But I think this is the most excited I've been in a verrrryyyy long time. <3

#136

Venus just blew my mind, guys.

Well... Actually it was a boy.

Lol. Close enough ;)

#133

I'm really worried about Saturday.

I'm really worried about my friends. Certain ones. Who seem to care an awful lot about me.

What if they're hurt when they see me with him there a lot?
...like, I don't even know how to bring it up with him.

Maybe I'll be lucky and he'll come on here and see this.

(Yeah guys! Actually I think I only have girls following this but that's okay I meant it generally! I actually have somebody else coming on...occasionally. But occasionally is just as cool. I don't think anyone else besides me comes on an almost daily basis)

But even if he did I'd be reeaaallllyyy embarrassed.
Dontjudgedontjudgedontjudgedontjudge.
Or please do.

Judging is okay sometimes, actually.
True feelings and stuff.
Or if you're ignorant, it might not show viable true feelings and stuff.
But I guess it would still show true feelings and stuff.

But you could also be naive and it wouldn't be as bad.
But I guess. .... Being ignorant about something like that isn't too awful in the first place.

It's just who you are. One cannot help such a thing. Why would you want to change anyways? Why would you want to help yourself not be you? You wouldn't be helping yourself...then you'd just be wasting time. Because you are you are you are you and that's a fact. No changing it. You can be you trying to be someone else, but you are always still you.


...
....
......I love that fact of life. :))

#132

When I see you put yourself out there, I'm almost 100% sure that you mean what you say.
I have put myself out there, in front of you, as you have seen.

...But, somehow, I feel I am more wary of putting myself out there.

YOU aren't a lifeline. I can feel that you can be one sometimes. You can be like one. But you ARE NOT ONE. You are a person with feelings and fears.
A person that I care about a lot, I'll even admit it on here.

Why more wary of putting myself out there in front of you and directed towards you? It's because I ...
It's because it's not official. Anything about or between you and I.
And I don't want to be in a situation where you could possibly turn around and disappear and not be as inclined to say why or how, because it wasn't official in the first place.

I can tell anyone that I care about them.

It's not that I don't trust in you.
Believe me, I do.
But I am a realist after all. Even if being a dreamer comes first, even if being a fighter and a lover and a friendlier all come first.... I can still be realistic. And I am.

But a realist is not all of who I am.
I am just me.
Kitty. Ana. Kelsey.

And this is how I feel.

#128

My heart hurts,,,
And so does my tummy...
And I just really miss you.

#127

Truth is....

...there's only so long I can play pretend that you're here and still be even slightly okay that you're not.