#209

I'm starting to think I am kind of bipolar.

...

That's what I desired least for in the world. All this time. Especially in relation to the situation.

I never wanted him to be right.

I'm getting to thinking, does it matter? Does it really, really matter that much whether he was right or not?

I feel bad. I feel bad about this...that everyone else is moved on and others have moved into my life and I've still not moved on from that.

But I just wonder.
However, it also makes me wonder if the people who have moved in dislike, or are possibly turned off by, my wondering.
However, I wonder if my wondering is driving these people away...whether they realize it or not.

What?! Am I going to have a mental breakdown when I turn 45?
Why do I feel all this pain and not feel sad and not get depressed? And why do I feel it in short bursts?
I want to get psychoanalyzed. I know it sounds crazy but I want to know what's going on in my head.
I'm not depressed. At least, I don't think I am.

Why am I giddily happy one minute and mad the next?
Is it my environment--at least partially?--or is it just completely, wholly me?

What's wrong? And is there anything wrong?

Am I just paranoid?
I might be.

Do I think to much?
Probably.

Am I providing the correct answers for myself?
How the heck should I know?

....that's why I'm asking... D:

#207

AAAHHH. Life is beautiful!

AudLange, Mom, Sherlock, Sir Some Guy, I can't even name names because then I'm going to forget somebody. Or I'm just going to go on to sleep because I need to and don't feel like listing everybody.

So the rest of you can go with that I saved the best for last but never got to the last. ;)

AudLange. ^_^. Yay.

#204

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want..."

Shit! I'm supposed to be at Chamber Singers practice.

"He maketh me lie down in green pastures..."

I can't believe I forgot!

"He leadeth me besideth still waters.."

It started a whole freaking hour ago.

"He restoreth my soul..."

I hope they don't get mad at me.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."

Okay, I'm not worried about the teachers. But what if I get in trouble with my student leader?

"I will fear no evil..."

That would be an awful way to start out the year. I can't believe I forgot. I'm so stupid.

"For thou art with me..."

But maybe they'll cut me some slack since its only my first practice.

"Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..."

And I'm only a freshman.

"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies..."

Oh, but the best conversations with a friend are the ones during which you tell your most personal ways of being. And the ones you can't figure out by yourself, you figure out together.

"Thou anointest my head with oil..."

Because the best thing I want for you is for you to be truly happy and truly you.

"My cup overfloweth..."

However, do remember that you can never do anything to be any more you.

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me..."

I have to tell you that tomorrow.

"All the days of my life..."

I guess I don't have to, but I want to some day soon.

"And I will live in the house of the Lord forever."

And we'll all be okay, you know.

#203

I kinda don't want to leave my room now, for fear that Puppy will never again appear to me...

But like I said, I'm going to take this distress out on my painting.

I can feel the artistic, energetic juices flowing already. So i must do my science, get it done in these next ten minutes, pray a little more, and finish that project in the next two hours or so.

Then I will take a bath and dare to keep moving although I will still give myself time to grieve the loss of Puppy.

I guess I don't know for sure if she's really gone or not, but I just have this feeling.

#194

I get scared pretty easily. As you can see in #162, # 192, #193, and many others.

I mean, not THAT easily. Not as easily as Sybil (thank God), but pretty easily.

Then again, I guess everyone does. Or a lot of people. Much of el población, sí?
Yeah. Definitely.

I'm not a scared person though. I don't want anyone I ever know to be as scared as Sybil because that would scare me too.

:( and then we'd all be scared.

But it's okay because none of us are like that. We're just insecure and confident and insecure at the same time and it kinda works out but it kinda doesn't.

I love myself, believe me. But I can get pretty insecure.

Take my hand, dears. Maybe we can be insecure together and then we won't be.

#186

And right after I hang up ... "Dream On" by Aerosmith comes on.
His favorite song...
Gosh.
I love my life. It fits together so perfectly. :))
Dream on...dream on...dream on...
<3

#182

I've been writing in my horse book.
At least ... I was last night. My iPad died.

----

One of the best ways to fall asleep is waiting for someone you really care about to text you back, knowing that they're there and it's coming any second now. What a content slumber.
You fall asleep. Since you're asleep, you lose track of time. Since you lose track of time, you don't realize it's been hours since you received the text message. Or maybe you subconsciously know that you received the text message but you were too tired to wake up to it. So you're happy.
And then when you DO wake up, you find the text. And you feel bad for falling asleep ... Except for the fact that it was so late in the first place. But you don't feel bad for too long because then you realize all of this and you realize that you really missed him.
But even though you missed him you're okay.

It was okay.

And now! As you listen to that song you love...you think of everything you've dared TO MOVE through in this past however long it's been. And it makes you so happy.
So you just gotta tell yourself to keep daring TO MOVE.

Because it's going to be okay.

You're going to miss, love, lose, share, and wonder about people, and it's all going to be okay. I promise.

Wow. When you sleep...years can pass by. But you wake up and you're right there 'where you fell'.
'Salvation is here'.

Off to eat bacon now. <3Kitty
I'm still daring you to move. Lift yourself up off that floor, babe. And live your life..if nothing else ... For me. Because I can't [live your life].

#172

Wow. Okay, so I'm going with that I have posted 169 posts from the very beginning.
Obviously, I have not posted every day but I often (as you may know) post more than once a day.

...wow. Okay... 365 x 2 =...730 days... That means one post every (about) 4.32 days.

Wow. Okay.

I'm gonna follow myself throughout the past two years. ...
Let's go for a ride, guys. ...



Year One. Post One:

#1

Where do I belong?

Do I belong no where?

Nothing?

Can anyone tell me?

No.....

I have to find it myself, don't I?

Gee thanks world...

Gee thanks...

Soo... I was pretty much lost. I had just come out of a break up and it was my first ever too. I really liked him! I really, truly did! I loved him. But it didn't work out and you know, it's for the better really. Most things are. And other than that, I was just depressed. A lot of things happened that year that weren't very good and were actually quite life-changing. My dad went to rehab for the first time the previous spring (I know, I know, I've gone through this before soooo much... But some of you haven't been here that long), a good friend of mine would not be coming back to school (and neither would her three brothers) because their dad (who STILL HAS enough freaking money) wouldn't pay for them to go to Webbkinz because it's so expnesive. ..., then my really close friend's mom died (this is a familiar story, right? Riiiight.), and then I broke his heart later in the year after going throu struggles with him and another guy friend (who was the guy that ended up being my boyfriend.), and then it was all happy and then two months later he broke up with me. And SOOO.... I got depressed.
NOO... It's not "I got depressed". It's more like... I BECAME depressed. It just happened. I didn't succumb to it, it happened and I didn't realize anything was so drastically different until a little while in. So, yeah, that's where I was then. I was depressed and looking for answers to questions i didn't have. I was trying to find a place... I was trying to ask questions. I... I don't really know how to explain it. But I will a different day. Just not now because this is already so long... And I have a bio test to study for that I have tomorrow.

Year One. Last Post:

#58

57 minutes left on my computer.
57 posts about my world.
48 minutes now left.
time seems to fly too fast, it's so absurd.
Larry's mother telling me it's so good to see me.
So it must have been God leading me that way.
To pick up the pens, put them back where they belong,
and now I ponder the words that she said.
Because here and now, to now and then, happens every scary second that passes every scary time.
Because soon and when, to when and gone, comes whether you want it to or not.
1 hour, 12 minutes left on my computer.
Only time will tell if we can go all back in time.
1 hour, 10 minutes left on my computer.
Not a very good example of the world, I guess.
Because you can't go back.
You can't change anything.
Accept it Accept it Accept it.
You must.
Or you'll never see the light.
Back to 1 hour, 12 minutes left on my computer.
and now 1 hour, 10 minutes left right afterwards.
It's not right.
It's not fair.
...
Life doesn't care.
And it can't help it.
'Cause it's time.
1/2/11

--Wow. 2011. It's really really 2011. This will take some getting used to...Even if I don't want to. Because I will. I can't help it. 'Cause it's time.

Okay, so here I wasn't thinking at all about my depression. I had been out of it for... Well over six months. I know this is from January, but that was the last time I posted until the 11th of March. And then I realized around #s 60 and 61 that I had missed the first birthday of my blog. ... I was pretty bummed. But here we are. And I didn't miss it this time, so that's okay.

Here, I was getting used to it being 2011. Now I'm completely used to it being 2012. For the most part anyways ....
And all of these posts were from my laptop...

I'm writing on my iPad right now.

Here, I wasn't talking about my depression or how I felt or anything. I was simply stating facts and my beliefs and talking about and to the general public. This time, I wasn't asking questions. I was giving my word to you. I was being a lot less selfish. Being selfish in the sense I was being isn't necessarily bad, but it's just kinda cool to see how my point of view changed over all that time. It changed a lot over those 365 days. I was now nearing the end of my 8th grade year. We hadn't gone on the DC trip yet.



.....
......

I will go on to year two tomorrow because I need to study for my bio test. I love this place with all of my heart and am forever grateful to it.

Yeah, that's right, I'm not thanking you, the reader. I'm thanking this PLACE this time.

Thank you, this place. You ARE THE BEST THERAPIST.

#155

From my tumblr (http://hickitty.tumblr.com/post/18344306850/i-dont-think-ill-ever-understand-just-how-much-i-mean ):

I don't think I'll ever understand just how much I mean to people. ....

...


My friends, my followers, my teachers, my boyfriend.

Understanding that stuff from my family is easiest, but how about the rest?

I forget that my boyfriend and my friends believe in me, but then when they tell me it all comes rushing back: wave upon wave returns and I REMEMBER: OH You've said that before. You really mean it, don't you? You really do think I'm strong and you really do think I'm brave and you really do believe in me! I don't know why I forgot so easily, but I did!

And not just you, but others, have said that before! You all really believe in me, don't you?

And then, to my followers and subscribers and visitors .... I will never know how much what I blog and post and reblog will affect you.
Never in a million years, will i understand.

#154

I'm so surrounded by people who love me..... Oh my gosh.

It's slightly overwhelming; although, this overwhelming is nice and warm and fills me up.

I forget how much people care.

Take this: Year of 2012, Month of February, Realization of How Blessed I Truly Am To Have So Many Friends That Love Me And Tell Me Often.

I'll try really hard to not forget ever again. No perfect promises available; I'm sorry.

#153

I kind of realized what another huge part that was making me sad... I kind of realized what it was.

When I was at home, crying, last night or when I was close to tears, I knew my friends would make me feel better.
That's why I was so depressed that I won't see them until Monday.
Last night, I was certain that there would be a good chance I would cry today at school but I didn't. My friends.... I never cry around them unless it's really bad. It's not because I don't want to.. It's because they make me so happy.

For example, when I was putting my shoes on for track after school today, I was sitting on the floor in front of Chappers and Lexbri was sitting on the small table against the wall to my left and talking to someone (I forgot who) and I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't help but laugh either. A small laugh. A small smile, and then it quickly went away. But it was there.

That's when I realized how happy my friends make me.
And that being in NYC with them got me all used to being around them so much...
And then I was just let down this school week. It was one of the worst, even though it was only three days long.

Bt I'm going to sleep now so I can get up and watch We Are Augustines on Jimmy Kimmel Live at 11:45 tonight. Bye, I love you all.
-Kitty

#152

Well I decided not to go to the dance because I'm so tired and miserable.

...

But we still bought tickets at the door. Actually, my brother did because I was so upset that I wouldn't even get out of the car and walk to the door.

#143

You can either view the world with a good attitude
Or with a bad attitude
It's not going to change for you.
...
You have to change it for yourself.
You have to be the one to change it for everyone
or anyone
Else.

#139

Magpie #103.


Link to picture here

Death. Red blood, sharp cornered, cornered in the middle death.
Life. Red roses, hands open, reaching towards the sky death.
Happy flowers scattered 'round.
Despair of sadness sticks to the ground.
Black marble drags the drumbeat on while mockingbirds and sparrows sing sadly along.

Your hands are open. Reach towards me. Things don't have to be how the seem to be.
You don't have to mourn.
You don't have to bleed.
Listen. Listen. Listen to me.
Please.
Please listen to me. Please stay here. I beg, I beg, I beg of you, my dear.
My dear, dear friend. My dear, dear friend.
Don't be sad. Okay, you can. But don't be sad forever, man.
I know your heart is broken. I know it's shattered in two. I know I can't say much to comfort because I have a boyfriend too.
I just wish... That you could see.
I wish you could see how much you mean to me. I love all my friends, this is true.
And you are my friend. So I love you!

I know that you are broken. And the future seems unclear. I know that it may suck right now. You thought it wouldn't get here.
You thought you had a chance. Believe me, I'm sure you had some.
But this girl, this mutual friend of ours, right now she's not the one.
Right now, for you, she's not any of the ones that you may date or be with for as long as forever may take...
I'm really, really sorry. And I hope you don't stay sad.
And I have hope because I believe that things won't stay this bad.
I saw a shadow of a smile on your face!
I saw you start to grin!
I saw I saw I saw I saw ... but I'd like to see it again...

I kind of know the way you feel. For I have felt things similar too...
I know, at least, I'm scared--always--of these things going through you.
Rejection. Loss. That someone will take it away before I get the chance. I have a plan, but what if then it's ripped right out of my hands?
I rip my hands and fingers too. I rip and tear at my heels.
I rip at my toes, and before I know it, it's bleeding. This is for reals.
It's not so bad, no, nowadays. It's not as bad as it was.
But still sometimes I bleed.
And sometimes.
I need.
A friend, like you.
And sometimes I cry.
And sometimes. I feel like I've died.
And sometimes I need.
A friend, like you.
A hug from you. Or a hug given to you. Just as the case may be.

#138

YEEEESSSSSSSS!! HEY GUESS WHAT GUYS???!!

Singkittyle000 is not a single kitty anymore!!!! :)))

Hey.. Remember that time a girl's heart got broken and she decided to make a blog to help her get through her depression? And remember that time a girl was crying on the inside and wished somebody would notice? And remember that time a girl felt so alone that she couldn't find a place to turn to? But remember that time that a girl found people who cared on this very blog? And remember when she grew and grew and became happy again?
Remember when that girl wondered if she would ever have a crush on somebody again? Maybe not, because she didn't tell you.
But remember when a girl was well into 3 months after a relationship had ended and still wasn't completely broken off from it?
But remember when she woke up from that dream and she was over it? Remember when she woke up and sat straight up and said she was done?

Remember when this school year started and she met these AMAZING friends--guys and girls--that she absotootenly loves? And remember when she loved all the guys, but not in an intimate sort of way? She does. And she still loves them. And the girls, of course. But my brother has a point that can be argued: Boys are more entertaining than girls. I'm not agreeing and I'm not disagreeing. Just sayin'.

Remember when she met people and met people and made friends and had little crushes on people she met? Remember when she met a guy at a band gig where she was taking pictures for a friend of the family?
Remember when she had that awesome New Year's Eve night? Well she saw that guy there too. And he gave her his number. And, no, she didn't have a crush on him then, but he must have liked her that way at least a little.

Remember when she started texted him everyday? Well, no, I don't think you do. Because she didn't tell you. But she did.

Remember when this girl, right here, was absolutely heartbroken? Do you remember that? I do. I do I do I do I do. Remember when she was scared all those times? And not just because of a guy.

Remember when this girl realized she was hurting herself when she pulled at her skin? Remember when she began to grow ashamed of it? Remember when she couldn't walk on her heels and had to walk only on the balls of her feet because it hurt so bad otherwise? Remember when she taught herself to walk on them anyways? Remember when she had to run like that? Remember when she got warts on her hands and picked at them until they bled? Remember that one time in chapel this year when she picked at the one on her palm so much it started bleeding all over the place and she hid it in her sweatshirt sleeve and prayed to God that nobody would notice? And it was all over her hand?
Remember a few months ago when she picked so much at her lips that the blood was all over her forefinger and her thumb and all over her mouth and she looked like a vampire? Remember when she prayed that nobody would walk in on her while she was cleaning up?

Remember that moment when she was really ashamed for not stopping herself? Remember when she was scared? Gosh, she's scared right now for someone to see this. But remember when she decided not to be ashamed anymore? I do. I do!
That sucked, what she did to herself. But remember when she talked to that awesome girl who felt like she was alone? And rememb when she... Oh my gosh.

Remember when she broke her friends' hearts? Remember that? This year and two years ago? Remember that? But remember when we all moved on? I do! And even if all of you haven't moved on yet, there will be a girl out there who loves you more than I ever could.

Remember when .... When. When I had boyfriend?

Do you remember that?

Haha, I do. :)

Oh, and this girl knows something that you don't remember. ;)
You don't remember because she hasn't told you yet.

I remember when I got a boyfriend in 2012.

I was right guys! This is the party year!
I have so many reasons to party haha!
Yesss I am so excited! It took 2 years to get here. But I think this is the most excited I've been in a verrrryyyy long time. <3

#137

See that girl at the top? That's not me. Not right now. Not anymore. < 3

#136

Venus just blew my mind, guys.

Well... Actually it was a boy.

Lol. Close enough ;)

#122

Well... Mom is right. It wasn't Holmes fault that I said what I said or felt like the day was sucky.

I'm sorry I said that.

I really, sincerely am. Now I'm going to go write thank you notes to family and a friend. :))

Sorry, Holmes. And I'm sorry if today was stressful for you too. In any way at all. Even if you didn't notice.

#115

Boys can be lights, actually.


So if you ever lose faith in them...don't. It's not worth it.

#114

Dear God,

Thank you for cell phones.
I guess that's one way to fall in love.

Love,
Kitty