2 B-long N thz WORLD: October 2011

Saturday, October 29, 2011

#92

I won't ever lie to you......unless I lie to myself first.

Oh. My. Gosh!

Skyscraper just starts randomly playing (from my playlist, of course) while I'm reading my posts and tags.......

I forgot all about that playlist down there..... ^_^
I love you, past-world-self!!!
<3<3<3

#90

I've been thinking hard....and I guess not.

It's just not my deal. It's yours. And yours.

#89

Is it bad that I don't really care if you break her heart??

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

#88

Okay, okay, I can't quite get over the fact that I'm going to die one day. ...........

#87

My Lord! My God! Why have you forsaken me?

#86

What to do? What to do?

If I go for 12-13 hours on a bus...to sit on a bench for 1 1/2 hours and am given a 50% chance that we will win....is all of that WORTH it to miss WOWing the last home football game of the season, Mrs. Spiderman's birthday party, AND the Halloween dance? AND possibly getting behind on homework?

But if we win...we'll get a flag...and I want to be there for that. ....

#85

Yeah. This is it.
October 24, 2011
Trenz Pruca
4321 First Street
Anytown, State ZIP

Dears,
Yeah. When you ask me how I feel, no, I don't really feel that good. I feel really bad. I feel really bad about myself. I put myself down a lot. You don't see it at school because ...well I don't know why... But it comes out at home, away from friends. I take it out on my mom, I take it out on my brother, I especially take it out on myself. And then I take it out on dad when he's around. I guess one of my problems is that I imagine and kind of role play what my friends would say to me if they caught me crying...or really sad...or putting myself down. But, see, they never do, and that makes me even worse. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel worse. I feel awful about myself. I'm angry at myself, and then I forget to do stuff like homework. And then I'm even more angry at myself, and then I take it out on myself more. And I'm so angry at myself. I've always said that I have great self-esteem, but I really don't think I do all the time anymore. I feel like I can't do anything right, or say anything right ...the talking especially with my mom recently. I've always had a great relationship with my mom, but I really don't anymore. I'm really scared of myself. Have you ever had a nightmare that makes you scared of yourself? Well, I've only had this one twice, but it follows me even when I wake up. Because it's right there in my head, it sticks with me until I can find something else to think about. Do you know how hard it is to not focus on something....to concentrate on a bad dream you just had? Or if you just did something wrong too....
And then I get to school and nobody--none of my friends--notices that I feel bad. And that makes me feel like nobody cares. Like none of my friends care. It makes me question...and has made me question for a while....whether my friends are really worth it. Whether my friends really care about me that much. Of course, everyone can't watch out for me all the time, not even my mom can. But I wish someone would. And not be so wrapped up in their own lives. So it makes me question my friends. Whether or not I can really trust people. There's only one friend I've never doubted that I've had (with me at school) for longer than just this year. Well, actually, I've doubted all of you. And theres no use in telling me not to.. It's already too late. But I guess there's hope for the rest of you, although, this isn't exactly about you. It's about me.
I just wish you would see.
I just wish you COULD see without me having to tell you.
And tell me.
I wish you would see. I wish you would tell me.
WHY WON'T YOU??!!
...
Love,
Kitty, Ana, Kelsey, or whatever else I answer to.

But.... WHY WON'T YOU??!!??!!
WHY DON'T YOU?????

Guess I'm just stupid. Guess my head doesn't work right. Looks like I'm book smart...for the most part...but the rest is all just empty. CopiedImage.png

my list of HOPE

Also my message that I left for Sir Some Guy, my boyfriend up until today for the past eight months. EIGHT. MONTHS. WOW. I am so proud. I feel so blessed. That was an amazing eight months. Oh my gosh. Oh my goo. All the thanks in the world to my ex for making that such a wonderful relationship. I learned and grew so much. And now I can say that I survived even the most tragic parts as well. (11/6/12)
The song is Soldiers by Gavin DeGraw (11/6/12)
My Soldiers. A song I think will keep me going right now during this immediate (and longer-term) post-relationship time for me... My Soldiers, which equals all of my friends, and my God, my faith. Special shout out to Chappers, Lexbri, and Sherlock. (11/6/12. 11:39 pm)
AudLange. ^_^. Yay. And she likes my poems. Yay. ^_^. (5/15/12)
Summer (3/28/12). The idea of it...just gives me hope. And mostly the part of being home and not the part of swim...
It's okay to be depressed. (from #157) (3/6/12)
That someone will read #162. Someone who has been on here before, be it a person in my direct life or someone I have only met on here. I'm even considering sharing it to people outside my blog. I wonder if they'd know it was me speaking? (3/5/12)
And that he was so calm and serious, but still smiling and seemingly enjoying himself when we spoke. (2/26/12)
That Holmes would be a friend and sit next to me in English just because I only wanted him to read my paragraph about Dermatillomania. Not that he's never a friend otherwise, it was just nice to seem him completely calm and serious. (2/17/12)
Bisael and her drawing. And our conversation last night. Oh my goo. With leafcloud and supercrazygamegeek. That was awesome. We should have another talk like that. I love you all. <3 (2/17/12)
The grin that I half almost saw on your (Chappers?) face. Hardly gives a hope. But still gives a little. (2/6/12)
My boyfriend. :DDDD (2/5/12>>since yesterday or the day before I guess...though ^_^)
When i make a masterpiece. .... .... wow.... (1/26/12)
Breathe In, Breathe Out by Mat Kearney (1/26/12) and that I'm content and that you are strong and that you will be okay. I know you will there is a light in your eyes. Don't Forget.
That my first hope of 2012 is who it is. That's awesome. (1/15/12)
He's...he's...he's like a lifeline. (1/15/12)
Ojála (29-11-11)
Because you say, "I care." I have hope. 11/1/11. 7:27 pm
that my past-world-self is still obvious in my world, , , , TODAY and still TODAY AS YOU READ THIS TODAY. 10/29/11
Nangeese (sorry, it's my obligation to give everyone a nickname on here. ^_^) and her sister...Judes. 10/26/11
That A Town would actually pull over getting off the interstate to take me to XC practice so I wouldn't be late. And that it wasn't awkward. 10/26/11
OMGOO! I KNOW someone who used to attend TAABC school! Seriously? Seriously! That totally makes me happy. I totally wanted to meet a guy from there.
The All-American Boy Choir. Gosh, they just fascinate me.
Joe (as in Coach) went with the Lord to Heaven on Easter Sunday. Even though I never knew him, that's still a kind of a sort of a sad hope. 4/24/11
seeing how far I've come since I started this blog. 3/11/11 (started it on 3/8/10) Please, just go look at the beginning, and you will see how far I have come. Let's see how far we've come. Let's see how far we've come.
Bob Perks and his little pieces of wisdom that he sends out 3 times a week to those who ask for it
And realizing the thing below. That's THE best feeling. Or one of them anyway. 11/9/10
wow. being able to love the person who gouged your heart out the year before. to be able to love that person as a person like you did before everything happened...wow. 11/9/10
ahhhh. rain.
Coach Joe's daughter, Claire, and her becoming homecoming queen! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
COACH JOE!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3
taking your white spartan cap last night and putting it on my head (9/25/10) and the fact that you let me wear it if only for a minute
MY EVERYTHINGS!!
my BFFF ... isn't that what you said last night?? (9/25/10)
Mr. Cake...oh wait,..I said that already
singing people...even when they're annoying to everyone else
THE GIVER!! (book & person)
Gabe in the Giver
the feeling of hope
Elphaba's sister
TOTO!!
Elphaba
pretty little movies like THE WIZARD OF OZ
people who stay happy even when they know their life is going to change drastically, especially when they don't want it to, and ESPECIALLY when they are VERY EXTREMELY loved
EemeewiiTH (?)/MLee (11/9/10)/Uhuh (11/9/10)
birdsong in the spring
sighs
clean rap
tears
comas themselves for they are a second chance at life
the "We Are The World" music video where you can see how far we've come from all sorts of discrimination and how we ARE the world and there's nothing better than seeing those Haiti kids dancing and sitting and singing and leaping and running and playing and smiling and laughing and healing and growing and you just KNOW that Haitians must be the strongest people on the face of the Earth
TRC
people who come out of comas
The Hill (not the TV show) (a person--a friend--not a great one but still, a friend)
Mozart's Sonatas
the whole shebang of "If I Stay"
Jonas in The Giver
new born babies
Mr. Cake
when, like, six 6th graders pull you into a giant hug as you're going into lunch and Bisael has to come back looking for you (4/13/10)
the whole "Crazy H" thing @ track (4/14/10)
That Holmes would be a friend and sit next to me in English just because I only wanted him to read my paragraph about Dermatillomania. Not that he's never a friend otherwise, it was just nice to seem him completely calm and serious. (2/17/12)
Bisael and her drawing. And our conversation last night. Oh my goo. With leafcloud and supercrazygamegeek. That was awesome. We should have another talk like that. I love you all. <3 (2/17/12)