#175

Last night, I was lonely. Tonight, I'm not really lonely and I wasn't even before I started talking to people on Facebook. I still miss my boyfriend...an awful whole lot...but I'm not lonely.

#174

I feel like I'm being judged because of how I treat my guy friends and that this person thinks I'm taking advantage of my boyfriend not being with me every day.

This distresses me.
I don't want.... I don't want anyone to feel that way.
I love my friends. I think I'm just over exaggerating.
And now I think that he'll see this and be slightly suspicious.
I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, this person just seems slightly judgmental.
I'm scared.

And not just about that.
I'm scared for my friends.

I have to take a bath but I really don't want to.
I feel dirty.

I am dirty. I ran barefoot in mud and didn't take a bath last night. I have to take one now.

I just want to curl up.

I'm scared that he'll get suspicious. I don't want that to happen because he trusts me and I don't think there's any reason at all for him not to trust me.
I think I deserve the trust. Well, deserve makes me sound like I'm all high-and-mighty worthy. I'm not all high-and-mighty worthy.
I'm not always pretty, I can be quite mean and I enjoy it sometimes, I'm a little too loud and obnoxious and I hurt people's feelings. I put off my work and have slacked off in track, making a bad name for myself. I'm late all the time and can never get anything done. I start projects and never finish them. I ignore texts from people even though they care enough to text me just because I feel like it... Just because I don't feel up to texting them back.
I'm really dramatic and I try hard to get people's attention. I feel sorry for myself a lot and play the pity game. I say I'll do things but never do.
And yet...
I still believe he trusts me for good reason.

there's so many other things I can say. But there's only so many ways I can put myself down before I start crying so much that I can't see what I'm doing.

I'm not crying. It's okay. But I'm distressed.
It's annoying because this feeling is going to be gone in the morning and nobody will see it. And then it's going to come back next weekend when I get home. Next Friday when I get home, I'll feel all rotten again and nobody will be here. My family is, sure, but do I want to talk to them? No. I'd just get annoyed. I don't want to call anyone. I just want to be with my friends. I'm never going to get to talk to Bisael and I'm never going to see my boyfriend.

At least that's how it feels right now. And it's not your fault so don't ever think that! It's not! For you at school, we have completely opposite schedules. For you not at school, we live on completely opposite sides of town and pretty much have our own lives. That's not to say we can't be in each others lives because we can and we are and I would love for it to stay that way for a long while. I'm just glad that you don't mind putting up with me.
I'm not glad, I'm grateful. I'm overjoyed and grateful. I don't really understand why someone would even bother, but that's okay. I guess I don't have to understand.

#173

I don't really feel much like explaining myself about the second year of this whole thing. If you want to know, you can just go looking.

I felt pretty distressed actually. And I don't want any responses to me saying that. At least not on here.
Maybe if I don't know you.
But if I do: keep quiet why don't you? At least on the blog.

Or I did feel pretty distressed. I drew and although it wasn't good it made me feel slightly better. I only do well at art when I'm in a class. It's kind of annoying. I just don't enough tools or instruction to do well otherwise. It sucks.

So screw filming tomorrow. Or at least me being a part of it. Too bad I suppose. Mom says better safe than sorry and I guess mommas know best.

But whatever. Not like it matters anyways.
You will be gone next year and it won't even matter.

#172

Wow. Okay, so I'm going with that I have posted 169 posts from the very beginning.
Obviously, I have not posted every day but I often (as you may know) post more than once a day.

...wow. Okay... 365 x 2 =...730 days... That means one post every (about) 4.32 days.

Wow. Okay.

I'm gonna follow myself throughout the past two years. ...
Let's go for a ride, guys. ...



Year One. Post One:

#1

Where do I belong?

Do I belong no where?

Nothing?

Can anyone tell me?

No.....

I have to find it myself, don't I?

Gee thanks world...

Gee thanks...

Soo... I was pretty much lost. I had just come out of a break up and it was my first ever too. I really liked him! I really, truly did! I loved him. But it didn't work out and you know, it's for the better really. Most things are. And other than that, I was just depressed. A lot of things happened that year that weren't very good and were actually quite life-changing. My dad went to rehab for the first time the previous spring (I know, I know, I've gone through this before soooo much... But some of you haven't been here that long), a good friend of mine would not be coming back to school (and neither would her three brothers) because their dad (who STILL HAS enough freaking money) wouldn't pay for them to go to Webbkinz because it's so expnesive. ..., then my really close friend's mom died (this is a familiar story, right? Riiiight.), and then I broke his heart later in the year after going throu struggles with him and another guy friend (who was the guy that ended up being my boyfriend.), and then it was all happy and then two months later he broke up with me. And SOOO.... I got depressed.
NOO... It's not "I got depressed". It's more like... I BECAME depressed. It just happened. I didn't succumb to it, it happened and I didn't realize anything was so drastically different until a little while in. So, yeah, that's where I was then. I was depressed and looking for answers to questions i didn't have. I was trying to find a place... I was trying to ask questions. I... I don't really know how to explain it. But I will a different day. Just not now because this is already so long... And I have a bio test to study for that I have tomorrow.

Year One. Last Post:

#58

57 minutes left on my computer.
57 posts about my world.
48 minutes now left.
time seems to fly too fast, it's so absurd.
Larry's mother telling me it's so good to see me.
So it must have been God leading me that way.
To pick up the pens, put them back where they belong,
and now I ponder the words that she said.
Because here and now, to now and then, happens every scary second that passes every scary time.
Because soon and when, to when and gone, comes whether you want it to or not.
1 hour, 12 minutes left on my computer.
Only time will tell if we can go all back in time.
1 hour, 10 minutes left on my computer.
Not a very good example of the world, I guess.
Because you can't go back.
You can't change anything.
Accept it Accept it Accept it.
You must.
Or you'll never see the light.
Back to 1 hour, 12 minutes left on my computer.
and now 1 hour, 10 minutes left right afterwards.
It's not right.
It's not fair.
...
Life doesn't care.
And it can't help it.
'Cause it's time.
1/2/11

--Wow. 2011. It's really really 2011. This will take some getting used to...Even if I don't want to. Because I will. I can't help it. 'Cause it's time.

Okay, so here I wasn't thinking at all about my depression. I had been out of it for... Well over six months. I know this is from January, but that was the last time I posted until the 11th of March. And then I realized around #s 60 and 61 that I had missed the first birthday of my blog. ... I was pretty bummed. But here we are. And I didn't miss it this time, so that's okay.

Here, I was getting used to it being 2011. Now I'm completely used to it being 2012. For the most part anyways ....
And all of these posts were from my laptop...

I'm writing on my iPad right now.

Here, I wasn't talking about my depression or how I felt or anything. I was simply stating facts and my beliefs and talking about and to the general public. This time, I wasn't asking questions. I was giving my word to you. I was being a lot less selfish. Being selfish in the sense I was being isn't necessarily bad, but it's just kinda cool to see how my point of view changed over all that time. It changed a lot over those 365 days. I was now nearing the end of my 8th grade year. We hadn't gone on the DC trip yet.



.....
......

I will go on to year two tomorrow because I need to study for my bio test. I love this place with all of my heart and am forever grateful to it.

Yeah, that's right, I'm not thanking you, the reader. I'm thanking this PLACE this time.

Thank you, this place. You ARE THE BEST THERAPIST.

#171

Ohh .. Well, I was two minutes off. But, hey, it was worth a shot.

Today is also International Women's Day. Can I get a WOOT WOOT??

Yeah, that's right. That's what I like to hear.

I'm sorry I get so cranky, friends. I really am. (And I really do get cranky! But especially when I get home...)

#170

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

A super duper happy birthday to this blog.

Which was created exactly two years ago to this day and (woahemgee) exactly to this time except, like, two minutes ago. No wait oh, right now? Yes! Awesome!

#169

OOOO OOOO OOOO
TOMORROW TOMORROW, I LOVE YA! TOMORROW! YOU'RE ONLY A DAAYY AAWAAAYYYY :)))