#174

I feel like I'm being judged because of how I treat my guy friends and that this person thinks I'm taking advantage of my boyfriend not being with me every day.

This distresses me.
I don't want.... I don't want anyone to feel that way.
I love my friends. I think I'm just over exaggerating.
And now I think that he'll see this and be slightly suspicious.
I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, this person just seems slightly judgmental.
I'm scared.

And not just about that.
I'm scared for my friends.

I have to take a bath but I really don't want to.
I feel dirty.

I am dirty. I ran barefoot in mud and didn't take a bath last night. I have to take one now.

I just want to curl up.

I'm scared that he'll get suspicious. I don't want that to happen because he trusts me and I don't think there's any reason at all for him not to trust me.
I think I deserve the trust. Well, deserve makes me sound like I'm all high-and-mighty worthy. I'm not all high-and-mighty worthy.
I'm not always pretty, I can be quite mean and I enjoy it sometimes, I'm a little too loud and obnoxious and I hurt people's feelings. I put off my work and have slacked off in track, making a bad name for myself. I'm late all the time and can never get anything done. I start projects and never finish them. I ignore texts from people even though they care enough to text me just because I feel like it... Just because I don't feel up to texting them back.
I'm really dramatic and I try hard to get people's attention. I feel sorry for myself a lot and play the pity game. I say I'll do things but never do.
And yet...
I still believe he trusts me for good reason.

there's so many other things I can say. But there's only so many ways I can put myself down before I start crying so much that I can't see what I'm doing.

I'm not crying. It's okay. But I'm distressed.
It's annoying because this feeling is going to be gone in the morning and nobody will see it. And then it's going to come back next weekend when I get home. Next Friday when I get home, I'll feel all rotten again and nobody will be here. My family is, sure, but do I want to talk to them? No. I'd just get annoyed. I don't want to call anyone. I just want to be with my friends. I'm never going to get to talk to Bisael and I'm never going to see my boyfriend.

At least that's how it feels right now. And it's not your fault so don't ever think that! It's not! For you at school, we have completely opposite schedules. For you not at school, we live on completely opposite sides of town and pretty much have our own lives. That's not to say we can't be in each others lives because we can and we are and I would love for it to stay that way for a long while. I'm just glad that you don't mind putting up with me.
I'm not glad, I'm grateful. I'm overjoyed and grateful. I don't really understand why someone would even bother, but that's okay. I guess I don't have to understand.