#195

I really just don't want to listen to this right now. You know? I don't want to listen to the threats and the booming voices that yell. I just want to get my homework done and get to sleep and maybe talk to my boyfriend. I just want to be content tonight. I don't even want to try to make it better. But it's okay, see? Because it's gone now and I didn't even have to try to make it better. It just...went away...

#194

I get scared pretty easily. As you can see in #162, # 192, #193, and many others.

I mean, not THAT easily. Not as easily as Sybil (thank God), but pretty easily.

Then again, I guess everyone does. Or a lot of people. Much of el población, sí?
Yeah. Definitely.

I'm not a scared person though. I don't want anyone I ever know to be as scared as Sybil because that would scare me too.

:( and then we'd all be scared.

But it's okay because none of us are like that. We're just insecure and confident and insecure at the same time and it kinda works out but it kinda doesn't.

I love myself, believe me. But I can get pretty insecure.

Take my hand, dears. Maybe we can be insecure together and then we won't be.

#193

Dear Self,

Instead of just sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

OH MY GOODNESS, CHILD, YOU OVER THINK AND STRESS ABOUT NOTHING THINGS!!

Love,
Kelsey

Ps. Thank you for doing something about it.

192

Actually...it's not so much that I try to not be dramatic..

I try REALLY HARD to not say the wrong thing. And then when I try not to say the wrong thing and I say something that I think might be the wrong thing I over think it and was already over thinking it to begin with and so I try to explain myself and it just makes it all convoluted and worse. And then i think about it forever and I don't forget until I say something. And I don't say anything because I feel like it doesn't matter to anyone else but me even though I worry that it does and so if I do say something you'll just think I'm weird and kind of bipolar and messed up and one of the last things I want you to think is that I'm bipolar because that's what the last guy thought by the end of it and although I know people who have signs of bipolarity it's not a thing to take lightly and there's no reason to accuse one of it and it did offend me but no that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the people I know who have it I mean theres something wrong, obviously, but not with them. And not with me. And this ^^ this is what happens. This ^^ is what happens when I try to explain stuff. It makes it worse because I didn't need to explain it in the first place but I think I do and then I leave stuff out and we've moved on and I'm still there and I'm still scared. And it's all because I'm very insecure. I feel super confident and lovely and happy with myself. I really do feel that way, but I also get real insecure sometimes and I always worry about saying the wrong thing to you. Not much to anybody else...kind of, but not really. And I think one thing is because I don't see you and texting isn't the easiest way to communicate and because (I know it's totally unfair to compare this to my previous situations but it's all I have to back up on) the last time I said a bunch of things wrong I lost him. And I don't want to lose you. And that's what has been going through my head. And I say a lot of stupid stuff. And maybe that wasn't the reason he stopped "liking me". Whatever. Why am I even talking about this anymore? ...it's because I talk about it so much on here because I over think stuff and I never get everything in my head out and so it comes back like this. And I have to get it out.
Anyways. Moving on. Moved on, actually. Besides my previous situations...I still have a hard time. I don't want anything I say to be taken the wrong way. And when I get nervous (simply nervous about being nervous or talking), I talk a lot. And the more I say, the more stupid things I say. So maybe I should just stop talking so much.

Besides, I like listening to your voice.

#191

Last night I actually got kinda mad.

#190

It's Easter.

Just wanted to say .... Or ask...

Why do people not answer me back? Do people just think I'm so loyal that I'll be there when they eventually come? And I'm not talking about one person. I'm talking about everyone.

Have I let people know too much about how loyal and forgiving I will be towards them? Have I made a mistake in being honest?

#189

I'm trying. I'm trying to keep my belief.

It's just really really hard when I don't know what's going on.

Belief by Gavin DeGraw
I'll Be by Edwin McCain
My Immortal by Evanescence
Angry by Matchbox Twenty
Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer