2 B-long N thz WORLD: #219

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

#219

Tomorrow... I will be going to many doctor's appointments. One for a physical in the early morning, one at the orthodontist, one with my therapist, and onnee with a person to get meds to help with my picking?? I guess that's the place mom is having me go to get meds for my anxiety issues. I, personally, didn't think any anxiety that I have is THAT bad and the thought of having to take medicine for it is just making me MORE anxious than I was before!
Picking my skin is NOT JUST BECAUSE OF ANXIETY. IT IS A HABIT.

UGH.

GETTING MEDS FOR ANXIETY IS NOT GOING TO NECESSARILY KEEP ME FROM PICKING MY SKIN.

My goal was to stop picking.
My goal was not to brainwash my brain to keep myself from picking by the course of drugs.

I don't want to have to use external measures forced down my own throat to quit a habit that I could quit by myself.

I guess I just don't want to be dependent on a substance.
I really, really, really, don't want to be dependent on a substance.

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my list of HOPE

Also my message that I left for Sir Some Guy, my boyfriend up until today for the past eight months. EIGHT. MONTHS. WOW. I am so proud. I feel so blessed. That was an amazing eight months. Oh my gosh. Oh my goo. All the thanks in the world to my ex for making that such a wonderful relationship. I learned and grew so much. And now I can say that I survived even the most tragic parts as well. (11/6/12)
The song is Soldiers by Gavin DeGraw (11/6/12)
My Soldiers. A song I think will keep me going right now during this immediate (and longer-term) post-relationship time for me... My Soldiers, which equals all of my friends, and my God, my faith. Special shout out to Chappers, Lexbri, and Sherlock. (11/6/12. 11:39 pm)
AudLange. ^_^. Yay. And she likes my poems. Yay. ^_^. (5/15/12)
Summer (3/28/12). The idea of it...just gives me hope. And mostly the part of being home and not the part of swim...
It's okay to be depressed. (from #157) (3/6/12)
That someone will read #162. Someone who has been on here before, be it a person in my direct life or someone I have only met on here. I'm even considering sharing it to people outside my blog. I wonder if they'd know it was me speaking? (3/5/12)
And that he was so calm and serious, but still smiling and seemingly enjoying himself when we spoke. (2/26/12)
That Holmes would be a friend and sit next to me in English just because I only wanted him to read my paragraph about Dermatillomania. Not that he's never a friend otherwise, it was just nice to seem him completely calm and serious. (2/17/12)
Bisael and her drawing. And our conversation last night. Oh my goo. With leafcloud and supercrazygamegeek. That was awesome. We should have another talk like that. I love you all. <3 (2/17/12)
The grin that I half almost saw on your (Chappers?) face. Hardly gives a hope. But still gives a little. (2/6/12)
My boyfriend. :DDDD (2/5/12>>since yesterday or the day before I guess...though ^_^)
When i make a masterpiece. .... .... wow.... (1/26/12)
Breathe In, Breathe Out by Mat Kearney (1/26/12) and that I'm content and that you are strong and that you will be okay. I know you will there is a light in your eyes. Don't Forget.
That my first hope of 2012 is who it is. That's awesome. (1/15/12)
He's...he's...he's like a lifeline. (1/15/12)
Ojála (29-11-11)
Because you say, "I care." I have hope. 11/1/11. 7:27 pm
that my past-world-self is still obvious in my world, , , , TODAY and still TODAY AS YOU READ THIS TODAY. 10/29/11
Nangeese (sorry, it's my obligation to give everyone a nickname on here. ^_^) and her sister...Judes. 10/26/11
That A Town would actually pull over getting off the interstate to take me to XC practice so I wouldn't be late. And that it wasn't awkward. 10/26/11
OMGOO! I KNOW someone who used to attend TAABC school! Seriously? Seriously! That totally makes me happy. I totally wanted to meet a guy from there.
The All-American Boy Choir. Gosh, they just fascinate me.
Joe (as in Coach) went with the Lord to Heaven on Easter Sunday. Even though I never knew him, that's still a kind of a sort of a sad hope. 4/24/11
seeing how far I've come since I started this blog. 3/11/11 (started it on 3/8/10) Please, just go look at the beginning, and you will see how far I have come. Let's see how far we've come. Let's see how far we've come.
Bob Perks and his little pieces of wisdom that he sends out 3 times a week to those who ask for it
And realizing the thing below. That's THE best feeling. Or one of them anyway. 11/9/10
wow. being able to love the person who gouged your heart out the year before. to be able to love that person as a person like you did before everything happened...wow. 11/9/10
ahhhh. rain.
Coach Joe's daughter, Claire, and her becoming homecoming queen! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
COACH JOE!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3
taking your white spartan cap last night and putting it on my head (9/25/10) and the fact that you let me wear it if only for a minute
MY EVERYTHINGS!!
my BFFF ... isn't that what you said last night?? (9/25/10)
Mr. Cake...oh wait,..I said that already
singing people...even when they're annoying to everyone else
THE GIVER!! (book & person)
Gabe in the Giver
the feeling of hope
Elphaba's sister
TOTO!!
Elphaba
pretty little movies like THE WIZARD OF OZ
people who stay happy even when they know their life is going to change drastically, especially when they don't want it to, and ESPECIALLY when they are VERY EXTREMELY loved
EemeewiiTH (?)/MLee (11/9/10)/Uhuh (11/9/10)
birdsong in the spring
sighs
clean rap
tears
comas themselves for they are a second chance at life
the "We Are The World" music video where you can see how far we've come from all sorts of discrimination and how we ARE the world and there's nothing better than seeing those Haiti kids dancing and sitting and singing and leaping and running and playing and smiling and laughing and healing and growing and you just KNOW that Haitians must be the strongest people on the face of the Earth
TRC
people who come out of comas
The Hill (not the TV show) (a person--a friend--not a great one but still, a friend)
Mozart's Sonatas
the whole shebang of "If I Stay"
Jonas in The Giver
new born babies
Mr. Cake
when, like, six 6th graders pull you into a giant hug as you're going into lunch and Bisael has to come back looking for you (4/13/10)
the whole "Crazy H" thing @ track (4/14/10)
That Holmes would be a friend and sit next to me in English just because I only wanted him to read my paragraph about Dermatillomania. Not that he's never a friend otherwise, it was just nice to seem him completely calm and serious. (2/17/12)
Bisael and her drawing. And our conversation last night. Oh my goo. With leafcloud and supercrazygamegeek. That was awesome. We should have another talk like that. I love you all. <3 (2/17/12)