#85

Yeah. This is it.
October 24, 2011
Trenz Pruca
4321 First Street
Anytown, State ZIP

Dears,
Yeah. When you ask me how I feel, no, I don't really feel that good. I feel really bad. I feel really bad about myself. I put myself down a lot. You don't see it at school because ...well I don't know why... But it comes out at home, away from friends. I take it out on my mom, I take it out on my brother, I especially take it out on myself. And then I take it out on dad when he's around. I guess one of my problems is that I imagine and kind of role play what my friends would say to me if they caught me crying...or really sad...or putting myself down. But, see, they never do, and that makes me even worse. It makes me feel worse. It makes me feel worse. I feel awful about myself. I'm angry at myself, and then I forget to do stuff like homework. And then I'm even more angry at myself, and then I take it out on myself more. And I'm so angry at myself. I've always said that I have great self-esteem, but I really don't think I do all the time anymore. I feel like I can't do anything right, or say anything right ...the talking especially with my mom recently. I've always had a great relationship with my mom, but I really don't anymore. I'm really scared of myself. Have you ever had a nightmare that makes you scared of yourself? Well, I've only had this one twice, but it follows me even when I wake up. Because it's right there in my head, it sticks with me until I can find something else to think about. Do you know how hard it is to not focus on something....to concentrate on a bad dream you just had? Or if you just did something wrong too....
And then I get to school and nobody--none of my friends--notices that I feel bad. And that makes me feel like nobody cares. Like none of my friends care. It makes me question...and has made me question for a while....whether my friends are really worth it. Whether my friends really care about me that much. Of course, everyone can't watch out for me all the time, not even my mom can. But I wish someone would. And not be so wrapped up in their own lives. So it makes me question my friends. Whether or not I can really trust people. There's only one friend I've never doubted that I've had (with me at school) for longer than just this year. Well, actually, I've doubted all of you. And theres no use in telling me not to.. It's already too late. But I guess there's hope for the rest of you, although, this isn't exactly about you. It's about me.
I just wish you would see.
I just wish you COULD see without me having to tell you.
And tell me.
I wish you would see. I wish you would tell me.
WHY WON'T YOU??!!
...
Love,
Kitty, Ana, Kelsey, or whatever else I answer to.

But.... WHY WON'T YOU??!!??!!
WHY DON'T YOU?????

Guess I'm just stupid. Guess my head doesn't work right. Looks like I'm book smart...for the most part...but the rest is all just empty. CopiedImage.png